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Published: November, 2009

Q&A with Dr. Kathy Nickerson, continued ...

Q: What to expect the first year?
A: Stay ahead of the curve by reading and taking parenting classes. Think about joining a support group for single parents at the local hospital, community center or church, synagogue or mosque, and plan to reach out for lots of help from people you know and trust.
   
The first three years are perhaps the most critical time for your child’s mental and emotional development. During this time, your child emotionally attaches to you, and kids who feel safe, loved and protected will attach strongly and securely.
   
We want kids to attach strongly, because this sets the basis for their emotional development and ability to have good relationships for the rest of their life. Kids who develop insecure attachments often struggle with emotional challenges.

Q: Are there any common stumbling blocks a solo parent should look out for in raising their first child?
A: It is really difficult to get three hours sleep per night and then go to work the next day and be productive. It’s very hard to have little or no time for yourself when you are raising an infant.

It is practically impossible to try to raise a child by yourself, so unless there is no other option, build a support network of people who can help. Join a group of single parents before your child is born, and listen for advice and scenarios you wouldn’t have imagined. Then think about how you could solve that problematic situation.
   
Start building a network of adults who you can reach out to when you need them. This network doesn’t have to be only family members; it can include neighbors, teachers, even colleagues. Just make sure that you thoroughly vet everyone you want to be in your child’s life, and think about how you can reciprocate when they offer to help you.

Q: What are the difficulties and stresses a solo parent faces that are more easily addressed in a two-parent family? And how do you council a solo parent to cope with these pressures?
A: The single greatest challenge for most solo parents is trying to balance work and family. As you know, O.C. is a very expensive region, so it is nearly impossible for a solo parent to work anything less than a full-time job. As such, it’s hard to get away for events at your child’s school, attend soccer practice or anything else that falls within the workday.
   
I tell parents that it is okay to not be there for everything, but that they should really make it a priority to be there when they can. For example, attending any soccer games on a Saturday is a priority.
   
Also, it’s important to include the extended family as much as possible in the child’s life; if you, as the parent, can’t be there for share-and-tell day, maybe Grandma can be. Surround your child with as many people who love her as possible, and make sure she knows that she always has some close, trusted adults to count on.

Q: How important is planning for a solo-parent family? How soon should a parent try to set up a budget? Should solo parents try to do it themselves or work with their bank or a private accountant?
A: Budgeting is always important, whether you are a solo parent, an individual or a family of 12. Most folks will need to set up a budget themselves, and this is fine, but if one does need help, there are many places that will help you do this for free – online or in person. Many community centers, community colleges and churches offer low- or no-cost financial management seminars.

Click HERE to return to First Years: Raising baby solo.

Dr. Kathy Nickerson is a marriage and family therapist based in Irvine.
drkathynickerson.com