EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
First Years
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Throughout my pregnancy, friends, family and even complete strangers saw my bulging belly as an invitation to offer words of wisdom on motherhood. In the beginning, I welcomed their well-meaning advice with the focused attention of a star pupil in search of answers to life’s greatest mystery. By week 20, I could barely feign politeness when accosted by the baby set know-it-alls. I was particularly annoyed by those who insisted life would never be the same after the birth of my first child. It was the truth, but I couldn’t handle the truth. You see, I was going to be a mommy nonconformist, rising above the level of sleep-deprived mediocrity to maintain my sanity, my relationships, and my relative good looks in the face of drool and 3 a.m. feedings. It would be a struggle, to be sure, but I had the stuff to overcome. Nine months of pregnancy later, my righteous indignation had mellowed to a blissful acceptance of what I came to know was inevitable. It occurred to me that along with all of the discomforts and inconveniences required to bring a child into this world, there were huge rewards I wouldn’t fully appreciate until I met my newborn son for the first time. I would soon be surrendering my ego, my schedule, and my best-laid plans to a short, bald male who wets his pants. My husband and I, and to a lesser degree our two cats, have come to terms with the fact that we are about to introduce an unknown quantity into our household. The cats plan to hide under the covers for the first three months, but since we’re the ones responsible for bringing the new guy on board, my husband and I have no choice but to wake up and smell the baby poop. Experts say couples go through a period of adjustment as they morph from a pair to a trio. The first six weeks postpartum are the most challenging for many reasons, not least of which is the reality that both husband and wife are treading uncharted waters. Moms feel battered and bruised both physically and emotionally from the experience of childbirth. Their natural instincts to care and comfort their children kick in, but so do mixed feelings about what being a mom entails. Baby blues can escalate to postpartum depression, a serious medical condition that may jeopardize the health of both mom and baby. Dads have it easy with respect to the pain of childbirth and the ensuing hormone warfare, but that’s not to say they don’t struggle with their own feelings about fatherhood. Some feel isolated from the process of parenting as they witness the bonding that occurs between mother and child. Other men secretly long for the days when they were the sole object of their wife’s affection. When dishes, dirty laundry and diapers are multiplying, it’s only natural that tempers flare between even the most devoted mates. As sleep deprivation robs you of your sense of humor, the quirky characteristics that once drew you to your spouse trigger petty debates, then emotionally-charged feuds. And the act of lovemaking that once solidified the bond between husband and wife can be the last thing on a postpartum couple’s mind. Don’t expect your spouse to be a superhero. Remember, he is your friend, not your adversary, in the war against SIDS and sleepless nights. It will be four to six weeks or more before you’re in the mood (or the physical condition) for love, so keep the romance alive by showing your tenderness in other ways. I’m not one to accept help even when I’m desperately in need, but if pregnancy has taught me anything, it is humility. “Is there anything I can do?” need not be a rhetorical question, especially during the first few weeks after baby comes home from the hospital. Swallow your pride and a bite of your best friend’s baked ziti if she offers it. Take a bath while your mother-in-law baby sits, and don’t feel like a failure when your sister has to fold clothes in order to make room to sit on the couch. There’s no quick fix to the problems that plague partners when a newborn arrives on the scene, but coping with the chaos is easier when you accept your limitations, practice patience, welcome the help of loved ones, and take heart in the very real possibility that your relationship will not only recover, it will thrive - baby and all. S. Danyelle Knight of Lakewood is a regular contributor. |
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