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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
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I smiled as I waved and made small talk with my neighbor directly across the street. Things were perfect, or so they seemed, as we each made several trips to our cars to load a variety of gear and our two children who are roughly the same age. My daughter had yet to turn 2 at the time and my son was only a couple months old. Despite the soaring heat and our aching backs, we never wavered from our cheery disposition. Thinking back, it was definitely a “Stepford Wives” moment – except that neither of us were quite as built or groomed as the women seen on screen. Like many women, the struggles we were experiencing – and perhaps didn’t even fully understand ourselves – went unspoken. How could we share that motherhood hadn’t provided all those joyous moments it seemed to promise? That there were times we felt alone and empty despite the intense love we felt for our children and a long-held desire to be a mom? These are questions that moms continue to both wrestle with, and often dodge, today – nearly 20 years later from those first years of my children’s lives. Unspoken melody “I don’t know if it’s taboo or what, but you don’t talk about things that make you unhappy,” says Julie Doleman, a working mom who lives in Lake Forest. “A lot of people, I think, are unhappy underneath and maybe don’t want to admit it to themselves or don’t want to admit it to others because the whole facade of perfection would be exposed.” If a recent survey is an accurate appraisal of the 82.5 million moms in the U.S., nearly half of them are unhappy. As reported last month in our Family News section, 47% surveyed in a poll by BizRate Research see themselves as the unhappiest family member. The moms we talked to about the findings weren’t surprised. Several thought the percentage would be even higher. “Moms are usually the ones combining multiple roles,” says Christyn Nelson, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach. “They are torn in a lot of different directions, from wanting to be sexy and wanting to be fun and interesting to wanting to be a great mom to the kids.” Besides often being the chauffeur, chef and the main parent responsible for all the household duties, many of them also work – 56% of those moms surveyed. And an increasing number of them are the primary income-earner of the family. Salary.com, Inc. estimates that if they were paid for their multiple duties, stay-at-home moms would earn $134,121 annually. Working moms would earn $85,876 annually for the “mom job” portion of their work, in addition to their actual “work job” salary. The figures were based on the salaries found for the job titles that best matched a mom’s definition of her work, along with the hours spent in each role. Among this year’s titles making the list were CEO, housekeeper, facilities manager and day-care center teacher. The 24/7 reality For me, the most difficult time came after my second child was born and my primary role was keeping two children under 2 content, stimulated and safe – all day, every day, from morning until night. For others, it arrives later in the journey, with each version offering a continuous flow of joyous and not so joyous moments. “I think it happens at all stages of motherhood,” says Maria Bailey, a mother of four who has met and worked with thousands of moms across the nation. “It happens for new moms because it’s such an adjustment and transition,” she says. “It happens again around seventh and eighth grade when the child needs you less and you start kind of questioning your purpose. And then, I think it happens again when you become an empty-nester.” How women respond and get through the difficult times that often go hand in hand with motherhood depends on a variety of factors. Stay-at-home mom Jennifer Laurinaitis of Irvine relies on her support system, which includes an understanding and helpful husband as well as the women in a local Moms Club. “My husband takes a huge part in raising our daughter. A lot of women don’t have that,” she says. “If I would not have had a supportive husband, I don’t think I’d be able to stay home.” Other factors, she believes that come into play include the age of the mom, the family’s finances and the opportunity to get out and interact with others. “It is definitely easier living here because there is so much opportunity to get out of the house,” says Laurinaitis who moved to Irvine from Chicago 10 months ago. “If I had to stay at home all day, that’s not a good day.” Nelson, who has worked with women one on one and in group sessions for 18 years, says she sees a big difference in the level of happiness between working moms who have a career that has some personal importance to them and satisfaction versus the moms who have to work to help pay the family’s bill. Doleman of Lake Forest, who believes that if mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy, is a perfect example. Her work in the field of online advertising and marketing brings her a sense of accomplishment, joy and fulfillment, which in turn, she says, makes her a better mom. Are you Mother Teresa? Nelson cautions that the idealized version of what it is to be a mother and a woman as a central role in the family may be unrealistic and unhealthy. “Many women, I think, their idealistic mother in their head, whether they work or they are at home, is something along the lines of Mother Teresa in terms of being completely selfless and giving and loving at all times. You’ve got to do something for yourself to replenish yourself so that you have something else to give.” Despite the BizRate Research poll, though, we’re obviously making steps in the right direction. While moms cited everyone else in their family – husbands, sons and daughters accounted for 70% of the votes in the survey – as the happiest family members, a Todaysparent.com poll shows that we are happier today than the previous generation of moms. According to those results, 65% of the respondents said they were happier all or most of the time. Nelson says other studies show that women who juggle multiple roles are, indeed, busier, but also happier. So the next time you experience a difficult mommy moment, remember you’re not alone. As Bailey notes, “The more women talk about it, the better, because it’s OK.” Sandy Bennett is managing editor of OC Family Magazine. |
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