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Rachel is a sweet and caring 9-year-old. Her mother describes her as a real people pleaser, the most nurturing of her three children, showing sincere concern for the feelings and needs of others. She's a busy girl too, her afternoons filled with piano lessons, cheerleading and scouting activities. Her older sister is in GATE, a program for bright students, but Rachel seems to struggle with schoolwork. Even though she has the aptitude, her mother is concerned that she doesn't apply herself the way her older sister does. At one time the petite, brown-eyed beauty was the smallest in her preschool class, getting lots of hugs and special attention from teachers, but it's not like that in elementary school. Besides, her little brother became the "baby" when he was born six years ago - and now she enjoys being a little bigger anyway so she can boss him around when the mood hits her. Speaking of moods, when Rachel gets in a bad one - look out! If you're the parent of three or more children, perhaps you have a Rachel in your family. If you haven't guessed already, she's the middle child in a family of three, and some would say she's a perfect candidate for Middle Child Syndrome. "I hate to say it because I'm still searching for a good definition, and Middle Child Syndrome sounds like such a negative thing," says her mother, Shari Emas of Alta Loma. "But she's the kid who's stuck in the middle and can't find her spot." According to experts, this definition is not far off. Middle Child Syndrome occurs when these children feel left out because parents are forced to provide all the daily care a baby might need, such as feeding, diapering, and dressing while simultaneously providing constant support to the oldest child who is attempting so many things for the first time, such as sports. In a worst-case scenario, the middle child feels squeezed out and unattended to, and can even become angry and start acting out, says Meri Wallace, author of "Birth Order Blues." Wallace and a handful of others have done extensive study on birth order and the effects it can have on growing children. Alfred Adler is credited with being the first to bring birth order studies to light in the early 1900s. However, recently there has been a wave of books published on the subject dealing with everything from parenting according to birth order to finding a mate or career best suited for your birth order. Understanding birth order is important in parenting, says Wallace, because each child holds a unique position in the family that has both positives and negatives. If you know what the negatives might be, then you're better equipped to help your child overcome the difficulties involved - especially with the middle child. Kevin Leman, author of "The New Birth Order Book," describes birth order as one important piece of the puzzle that comprises our personalities. "I don't think there's any doubt that genetics have some limits," he says. "When you've got three or four kids coming out of the same den, you can see how different each of them is. The middle child is usually hammered between the crown prince and baby snookie who gets away with murder." What makes a middle child A middle child is not limited to the one spot exactly between all other children in a family. Middle children are simply those born in between the first and last, who by the luck of the draw are precluded from enjoying all the glory heaped on the oldest, or the privileges bequeathed to the baby. (You know how it is, by the time the third baby comes around you hardly bat an eye when he starts eating sand, and when he's a teenager you probably won't be as strict as you were with his older siblings.) As a result of their position in the family, having to live up to the achievements of an older sibling and being dethroned by the baby, middle children tend to develop some specific character traits. But, in fact, many of them can be quite positive. For example, middle children tend to be social butterflies, developing strong relationships outside the family in order to seek a position among friends that they can't find at home. "That's my daughter Kellie," says Lauri Bessent of Corona. "On a daily basis she asks, 'Who can I call? Who can come over?' or 'Who can I play with?'" Of course Kellie, the middle of three girls, also was the one who looked at her parents when they brought home a new baby and asked, "Mommy, when is she leaving?" Sandy Fisk of Mission Viejo was the middle of three children growing up and she remembers being the same way. In fact, she still is. "I could go to a party not knowing anybody and by the time I left I'd know everybody. My brother and sister would just skip the party." Middle children are particularly well-known for developing loyalty to relationships, as well. However, an overzealous effort to fit in among "friends" is something parents of teens should be especially aware of, says Wallace. "They can fall in with the wrong crowd because they're trying to find a unique identity or a way to stand out." Another common middle-child trait that Kellie and Sandy reflect are negotiating skills. According to her mom, Kellie often is working out disagreements over Barbie dolls between her two sisters, and she's usually the one to "give in" just to keep the peace. "I tend to be the caretaker," says Fisk. "Making sure that everything stays at an even keel, and always making sure that everyone is happy, almost to a fault." These are excellent skills for any child to develop, but sometimes they may prompt a middle child to forgo her own interests or hold back from sharing opinions in order to keep the peace. In some instances, middle children can be taken advantage of because they don't want to make waves. So parents should make a special point of encouraging middle children to speak up. Independence and risk-taking are other typical middle child traits, according to Leman. "Early in life they'll follow their older brother like a god and look up to them even when the older brother pushes them down. But pretty soon they find out it's not working and they set out to find their own path in life, often in a totally different direction from the first born." Such was the situation when Rachel decided to try gymnastics like her big sister. "There was a lot of competition and it was beginning to get really tough because the older one was doing better," admits Ames. But after trying out a few different activities, Rachel finally settled on cheerleading and things couldn't be better. "She's thrilled. Now she's found her own little niche, and she can do her best and not have to compete with her sister." Fisk's second son, 8-year-old Caleb, falls into the risk-taker category. "He's much more adventurous than his older brother. He's always diving in with all fours before totally checking out the situation, and he always acts like he knows what he's doing even when he doesn't." This drive to try new and different things could make any child seem stubborn or uncooperative, so parents need to exercise a little extra patience as they help guide a middle child toward the right niche. Exceptions to the rule Birth order is not a perfect science. In fact, there are several variations. For example, a five-year gap between siblings essentially starts a new subgroup, according to Leman, and usually results in the later born exhibiting more firstborn traits than middle child traits. Also, if the oldest child is a female and the next child is a male, he may develop more firstborn qualities since he is the oldest male. In Fisk's case, her third of four children is a girl, the first girl in the family. "She tends to be another firstborn because she's the first girl. She can be very motherly, but also strong-willed and determined." Another example of an exception may occur when an oldest child is constantly criticized by parents. As a result he becomes stymied by perfectionism and withdraws, only to be surpassed by a middle child who's close in age and motivated. Perhaps one of the biggest keys to understanding birth order - especially when it comes to middle child syndrome - is recognizing that it's not a one size fits all approach. Some middle children may feel angry that they didn't get enough attention at home and act out negatively, while others may put the lessons they've learned to good use by becoming a performer, artist or maybe even president one day. "I personally don't worry about it," says Fisk. "I know as a parent that each one of my children is unique and I just have to deal with each one differently." Michele Piazzoni is a freelance writer and mother of three living in Folsom. She is a regular contributor to The Early Years and, in the Family News section, Getting Started...To reach her: mpiazzoni@hotmail.com. Famous middle children Even though firstborns may be best known for their leadership skills and high motivation (more than half of our presidents and nearly all astronauts have been firstborns), there are still a good many "middle" children we know by name. George Bush Richard Nixon Johnny Carson David Letterman Rosie O'Donnell Donald Trump Yasser Arafat Fidel Castro Napoleon Bonaparte Henry VIII Patrick Henry Louis Pasteur Charles Darwin 5 tips for parenting a middle child "Treat your children like life is going to treat them - differently," advises Kevin Leman, author of "The New Birth Order Book." You can help your middle child overcome some of the unique challenges they face by incorporating these few tips into your daily parenting style. 1. Empower them with choice: Middle children's opinions are easily overlooked. Decisions for most families often are based on the oldest child's activities. Try to avoid this by allowing your middle child to make choices that impact the whole family, and start young. A 3-year-old can make a choice about something as simple as what to eat for breakfast. 2. Encourage confidence: Take the extra time to draw out your middle child's opinions and thoughts. After all, they are the most likely to keep their feelings hidden. And when it's time for them to do a special project for school, let them reap the rewards of doing it themselves. This affirms their ability to accomplish goals. 3. Avoid comparisons: Probably one of the most difficult things for parents to do, but definitely one of the most important, is to avoid comparisons between siblings - no matter which position they hold in the birth order. Chances are your middle child already knows exactly what his older brother has done and how well he did it. Focus on the individual achievements of each child. 4. Set aside special time: Your middle child may be used to getting little less attention at home with a new baby around, or big sister's girl scout troop, so take a few minutes to go grab an ice cream cone together and talk. 5. Celebrate the "firsts:" Encourage your middle child to try something new and different from his older sibling, like taking karate lessons instead of playing soccer. And it's OK for him to do something "first" with grandma and grandpa, like go to Sea World before his siblings. |
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