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How to teach your child responsibility It is every parent’s dream to raise a responsible child, one who knows how to follow through with what’s expected of him and has the initiative to figure things out on his own just as easily. Even better, a truly responsible child isn’t motivated to do things, make decisions, or act a certain way simply because of pending rewards. Instead, the payoff is a deeper sense of pride, accomplishment, or compassion. The hope is that a child who masters responsibility will grow up to be successful in her career, the relationships she shares with others, and the overall way she contributes to the community. However, when it comes to teaching this important trait, timing plays a key role. You may be surprised to know that the best time to start is probably later than you think. This is not to suggest that you shouldn’t teach your preschooler helpful habits, but according to Robert Eyre, co-author of “Teaching Your Children Responsibility” (Fireside 1994), very young children deserve an opportunity to enjoy the fun and games of childhood, because they aren’t really capable of understanding responsibility. Instead, Eyre points to the elementary school years as the perfect window of opportunity for teaching lifelong character traits like responsibility. Today, or tomorrow “The truth is, it’s never too late,” assures Eyre. “But if you start at 7 or 8, it’s much easier. Around that age a real transformation occurs and kids become flattered by responsibility.” He suggests that parents take advantage of their child’s enthusiasm to help out by starting small. Offer an opportunity to contribute something to the household that’s in line with their abilities. For example, a comment like, “I think you’re old enough to start taking care of the entry closet,” gives a young child a manageable assignment and is flattering at the same time. As they get older, chores can progress to include things like unloading a dishwasher, doing their own laundry, or caring for a pet. Karen Canada of Rancho Santa Margarita has tried this approach with her own children, ages 7 and 9. She says she hasn’t asked them to do any “heavy-duty” chores yet, but each is required to make their beds, keep their rooms neat, and clean up after themselves at the dinner table. And of course, homework must be finished before they can play outside or participate in baseball, hockey, gymnastics and other extracurricular activities. She plans on adding a few additional chores to her daughter’s list, when she turns 10 next year. “I think learning responsibility is huge,” says Canada, who’s also an elementary school teacher. “And it’s something they need to learn at home, because if they don’t have responsibility at home it’s very difficult to teach at school.” Doreen Cuzzupoli, also of Rancho Santa Margarita, says that at first her children, 9 and 12, struggled with daily chores, especially her son Blake, the younger of the two. “My daughter would do what she was asked, but he seemed to think he had more of a choice,” she recalls. “We had to tell him that there would be consequences if he didn’t do his jobs.” When Blake lost his allowance and had to forfeit outside playtime, Cuzzupoli admits that it was sometimes hard to stick with it. “But now we see them both taking pride in the things that they do and we know it’s making a difference.” Truth and dare Consequences, natural or logical, can be an excellent tool for teaching children responsibility even beyond the realm of chores, suggests pediatric psychologist Heather Huszti, of Children’s Hospital of Orange County. For example, when you tell your child, “You can play outside but don’t leave the yard,” and then you see him heading down the block to Tommy’s, forget any thoughts of a few quiet moments and instead go get him, explain the consequences and offer him a future opportunity to make a better choice. Likewise, if he continually misplaces his goggles just before swim practice, or glasses just before school, don’t be at the ready with another pair. Let him figure out what to do on his own. “If they haven’t experienced negative consequences when they’re young, they are unprepared for them when they get older,” says Huszti. “You have to ask yourself as a parent, what am I teaching him in the long run?” In addition to teaching a child personal responsibility like managing homework and helping around the house, parents can also help kids gain a sense of responsibility toward others. By example, they can teach children early on how to have compassion for other people’s feelings, as well as how to share with those less fortunate. Never too late, rarely too young “We think 7- and 8-year-olds are the perfect age for service,” says author Eyre. “They can go to a soup kitchen, or a homeless shelter, and if they’re becoming responsible for their own money, they’re in a position to give money to the poor.” Jeannie Young, a mother of two in Temecula, says the 10 hours of community service her middle school daughter, Holly, is required to complete each semester is a great way to learn responsibility toward others while adding balance. Holly volunteers as a Sunday school helper at their church, working with preschool-aged children. “If you don’t have them do certain things as they’re growing up, it’s actually a disservice to them in the long run, because they’re less likely to become a willing contributor to society,” says Young. No matter how you decide to hone your child’s sense of responsibility, Huszti reminds parents that perhaps the most important thing to remember is to be consistent with your message. Whether it’s doing chores every day, (not just when they feel like it) or enforcing consequences when it’s most inconvenient, or encouraging compassion toward everyone, stick with your principles. As your children learn to make good decisions on the small issues they’re facing now, they’ll be better prepared to make good choices when they get older and the stakes are higher. Money as a tool Although most experts agree that money is an excellent tool for teaching children responsibility, they tend to be divided on where that money should come from. Some offer up an allowance that may or may not be linked to chores. Others believe that unearned money leads to a sense of entitlement among youngsters and irresponsibility when it comes to spending. John Eyre promotes an extensive allowance system for children ages 8-12 that offers them the opportunity to earn enough money to pay for most of their needs, and maintain a “checkbook” which even earns interest. (For more information, go to: www.valuesparenting.com) “When people first hear about it, they are concerned,” says Eyres. “But a 7- or 8-year-old can do it, and suddenly they start hanging up their shirt and taking good care of it because they perceive they own it!” His system includes ideas for how kids should earn, spend, save and give the money they received, learning along the way that it is, indeed, better to give than to receive. 6 Tips for teaching responsibility • Assign your child chores. Initially put more emphasis on how consistently they do them, rather than how well each chore is done. • Let children learn from their mistakes. If they make a bad decision, don’t take care of their things, or disregard family rules, follow through with consequences. • Give them the opportunity to manage their own money (and remember to pay their allowance on time). • Nurture compassion in your child. Help him consider how others’ feelings and actions might influence them. • Encourage your children to think of ways they can help others. • Model responsible behavior around your children. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. See her Middle Years column in Passages. |
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