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Thank you? What has happened to our manners?

Raise polite children in an age of rudeness.

By Lynn ArmitagePublished: May, 2004

Excuse me, but what has happened to our manners?

You know, the polite courtesies civilized people used to extend to one another? The “please,” the “thank you,”
the “no, you first?” When was the last time you held a door open for a stranger or allowed another driver to merge in front of you?

Last week, I was leaving the drugstore when a woman barged into the store, knocking me sideways, without the slightest apology. Even more appalling, her 3 children trailed behind, following mother duck’s socially disgraceful moves.

Parents, we best mind our manners. Our kids are watching and learning. And it appears they’ve learned to be increasingly ill-mannered and disrespectful. The National Association of Elementary School Principals reports that the lack of good manners is a growing problem in classrooms and on playgrounds. For some, it is defined as bullying. For others, it is a sign of family-taught ill will.

Rudeness is the new dialect among children. “Dissing” people is hip and trendy. The popular phrase “talk to the hand” (the speaker haughtily holds up one hand like a stop sign) elicits giggles from my 10-year-old. Adolescents greet each other with the “B-word” in school hallways.

It’s easy to point fingers at TV, peer groups, Hollywood and Madison Avenue. My own children idolize Bratz dolls and adore insolent Angelica from “Rugrats.” Naomi Torre Poulson, founder and director of The Etiquette School in Dana Point, attributes rude behavior in children to the weakening of cultural and moral values. “The silent majority has stood by and allowed the vocal minority to vulgarize what we see and hear on television, the cinema and in music.”

Some child behavior experts blame high-sugar diets, environmental toxins, allergies and psychiatric disorders. Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin, president and CEO of Parents Anonymous, Inc. in Claremont, claims, “Children exhibit rude behavior as a consequence of difficult home situations, including domestic violence, homelessness, and/or child abuse and neglect.”

So, who or what is to blame? According to Public Agenda, a nonprofit public interest group, 81% of teachers fault parents for not urging kids to behave in class. But maybe it’s time to stop pointing fingers and start taking charge in our own homes, our children’s primary classrooms. While we don’t have much control over the rudeness our kids learn on the playground of life, parents can run interference by teaching good manners and respect for other people, then modeling those polite behaviors themselves.

Start at home
Parents are teachers. We teach our children left from right, right from wrong, please and thank you…and how to cut off other drivers and curse when the same inconsiderate maneuver has us slamming on the brakes.

Even from the back seat, your children are watching and learning. They’re human sponges. They absorb everything we do and say, good or bad. Dr. Pion-Berlin, a renowned expert in the prevention of child abuse and neglect, says, “More than any other influence, parents have the greatest power to impact their children.”

Shaping the life and value system of another human being is not something to take lightly. Problem is, some parents don’t know how to teach good manners because they weren’t taught these social graces themselves. Their own parents grew up in the 1960s, a time of social anarchy and rebellion against core values, including etiquette and respect for other people. Doing what’s right became so wrong. Politeness was not always a torch passed on to our generation.

Corinne Gregory is a child behavior expert and founder of PoliteChild, a program offered in a growing number of public and private schools that teaches children and teens good behavior and proper conduct (see related story). Gregory says, “We can’t fault someone for not knowing what to teach if they themselves weren’t taught either.”

Thirty-year-old Georgie Schwarz of Santa Ana didn’t grow up in a polite household. But she’s determined to teach good manners to her own children, 6-year-old C.J. and 3-year-old Blake. “My focus is not only for them to respect their parents, but other people out there.” Recalling her own rigid childhood, she adds, “I want to teach them with love so they realize that having respect for other people is a good thing, not something they’re forced to do.”

This manners-mom also understands her pivotal role in raising boys. “I want them to treat women with respect, so chivalry is important to me.” Schwarz has taught her sons a courtesy we don’t see often enough. “C.J.’s brother will fight with him to open up the door for me. It’s so cute. I love it.”

Gregory says consistency is the key. She suggests a good starting point for teaching children good manners is to hammer home The Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

“Nearly every basic rule of conduct listening to others when they speak; respecting people, animals and property; being honest and owning up to mistakes; greeting someone when they come into a room can be traced back to The Golden Rule.”

A rude awakening
It’s a no-brainer to make the connection that ill-mannered children grow up to be rude adults. But Dr. Pion-Berlin takes it one step further: “Without building solid foundations for learning and using appropriate behavior, rude children will confront larger obstacles to success as a productive member of society.”

A recent study by the Carnegie Mellon Foundation, the Stanford Research Institute and Harvard University reports that as much as 85% of our future success depends not on the schools we attended or the people we know, but on social skills.

At the very least, rude adults may also miss out on dating opportunities. Alane Anderson of Huntington Beach says, “My son, who’s a pre-med student at UCSB, decided not to continue dating a girl because of her bad manners.”

At The Etiquette School, Poulson teaches business protocol and conducts etiquette seminars all over corporate America. Over time, she has witnessed the increasing importance of good manners in the business world. “Given a choice between 2 equally talented individuals, corporations will choose the candidate with the greater interpersonal skills.”

According to Poulson, adult life will be difficult for ill-mannered children, who won’t develop the necessary confidence to become leaders. “Not knowing how to behave sets up a cycle of rejection, leading to a lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy, leading to more rejection and more bad behavior.”

A polite suggestion
Six times a year, Kendall Bowen, a fourth-grader at St. Paul’s Lutheran School in Orange, puts on white gloves and a fancy dress that “sometimes itches me” and goes dancing with boys. She’s a member of cotillion, an organization in which good manners and social etiquette are taught to young boys and girls in a dance-party setting.

“I thought it would be a fun way to reinforce everything we already teach at home,” says her mother, 35-year-old Loree Bowen, a client service manager for a public relations firm. “Not only do they reinforce ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and respect for adults, but they do it in a setting with peers so they’re also learning socialization.”

Kendall says she was a little nervous at first, dancing with boys, but it’s fun. “I like the games.” And she likes swing dancing the best. As for manners, Kendall has learned to “sit back in the chair, cross your legs and fold your hands politely on your lap.”

Through cotillion, learning manners isn’t a chore, says Loree, who strongly believes that some children’s lack of respect for adults is downright rude. “If you start them young, then it’s a habit by the time they’re older and don’t want to listen to you.”

But getting into cotillion isn’t easy. “You have to know somebody and be invited in,” says Loree. It’s ironic that a society founded on politeness and graciousness toward others would appear so snobby. But Loree claims getting an invitation isn’t difficult. “You just have to ask around.”

More, please!
Besides cotillions, where else can parents go to reinforce polite behavior in children? Try tae kwon do. Loree says she’s seen a huge change in her 5-year-old son, Chase. “He’ll go up to older kids after class and say, ‘Good job, sir.’”

The philosophy of tae kwon do is to build a more peaceful world by developing the positive aspects of an individual’s personality, such as respect, courtesy, trustworthiness, courage and integrity through physical, mental and spiritual training.

“Martial arts, in general, emphasize respect for others,” explains Phyllis Mestanas, program director for Stephen Amsler’s Martial Arts Center in Fountain Valley. “There’s a lot of etiquette involved, lots of hand-shaking, certain protocol when someone is a higher belt rank than you.”

But in the end, the solution to more polite children might be as close as the dinner table. Christine McClung, author of “Epic Heroes Dinner Talk With Champions,” says by simply eating dinner together, parents can “teach proper table manners, cultivate refinement in conversation, develop consideration of others and build good character.”

Now there’s something to chew on. Quietly, with your mouth closed, of course.

Lynn Armitage is a senior writer for Churm Publishing, Inc. and writes the Single Parenthood column for this magazine.

What is cotillion, anyway?

Children dressed in white gloves and bow ties acting like well-behaved adults. Gena Martine Santoni, whose family runs the Martine Cotillion in Anaheim, explains the improbable concept:

What is cotillion?
Gena: Cotillion is a lively French folk or square dance from the 18th century, so named because as a lady danced the figures, she’d raise her skirts and expose her petticoat or “cotte.”

How long have they been around?
Gena: Cotillions evolved from a specific dance in the 1700s, to a party at which cotillions and quadrilles were danced, to its modern meaning: a place where a couple directs children in practicing manners and social etiquette, using ballroom dances, in a party atmosphere. Our cotillions have been run by our family since 1857, before the Civil War.

What is the format?
Gena: Many are run more like dancing schools than manners classes. There’s a series of 5 to 8 meetings where children learn and practice different dances, play games and snack. They learn to introduce themselves and others, ask a young lady (or gentleman) to dance, look people in the eye, shake hands and thank their hosts. Some cotillions also offer dining etiquette.

Why are cotillions important?
Gena: Children don’t have many opportunities to practice good manners. At cotillion, children learn that manners are expected not only by parents, but by the rest of the world, too. They practice with peers, and learn to treat adults and each other with respect.

Are they outdated?
Gena: Women’s liberation has done wonders for women’s rights, but has injured the social graces that make life more pleasant, and give us meaningful guidelines through which to judge behavior. “I can open the door myself” is a nasty way to respond to a thoughtful gesture. We need to put these niceties back in our lives. Children need a place to practice good manners together. Cotillion is among the only places remaining where that goal can be achieved.

How do you enroll?
Gena: Most cotillions are formed by invitation committees to keep a balance in the numbers of boys and girls. To find a local cotillion, ask around at school.

How much does it cost?
Gena: Usually $200 to $300 for the entire series, the higher price if dinners are included.