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EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the sensitivity of this report, Sara Hill is not the real name of the teen interviewed for this story. Additionally, only the first names of the young moms and children interviewed and/or pictured from Toby’s House are real. Last names have been omitted or changed. Also, be sure to see our follow-up report in the January issue, which will take an overall look at teens and sex today. Sara Hill always took her studies seriously. The AP and honor student, who skipped two grades in elementary school, graduated from high school two years earlier than her peers. Accepted to UC Riverside at age 16, she was set to attend college that fall. But a belief that she wouldn’t be among the ones to get pregnant, even though she used no protection, changed all that. And instead of deciding which classes to take, Sara was faced with decisions that would not only affect her life, but that of a baby’s as well. Deciding against abortion and adoption, she married the father of her child, a 25-year-old man she had moved in with two weeks prior to her graduation. But family life did not set well with her new husband. And when their daughter turned 4 months, he gave Sara an ultimatum: me or the baby. It was then that the ramifications of her decisions suddenly became clear. “I started to feel depressed and overwhelmed because I felt the full burden on my shoulders of having this little girl. I was in charge of everything, making sure she was OK emotionally, mentally, physically, everything. And even though I had a support system there, it just felt like it was all on me. “Everybody always hands the baby back to the mother when they start crying and I had nobody I could hand my daughter to. And that was hard because I just met this baby three or four months ago and I was just trying to figure it all out.” Despite the unknowns and in the midst of growing up themselves, many of the teens who get pregnant decide to parent their child rather than to abort or adopt. According to the Centers for Disease Control, girls ages 15 -19 gave birth to 425,493 babies in the United States in 2002. Locally, the 2003 Conditions of Children in Orange County report shows that of the total 45,491 births to residents during 2001, 7.5%, or 3,411, were to teen mothers. Surprisingly to some is the number of young moms who were on birth control prior to their pregnancy. According to Kathleen Eaton, founder and executive director of the women’s shelter Toby’s House as well as three pregnancy health centers in Orange County, 80 percent of the pregnant girls her agency works with are on some form of contraception. Reasons for the failure to protect vary, from girls being too young to understand proper use, to condoms that break during sex, to forgetting to use the safety measure during an encounter. Others like Sara who trusted her partner when he said he would pull out and felt somewhat protected since both she and her mom have endometriosis, which can make conception difficult simply didn’t believe it would happen to them. “I knew what I was doing. I was young, but I wasn’t stupid,” says Sara. “I think a lot of girls do. They just don’t think about the consequences when they should. They think about the consequences when it’s too late.” For other teens, the pregnancy proves more intentional, with girls sometimes seeing a child as a way to hang on to a boyfriend or an avenue to fill an emotional void in their life. According to Tinaz Vevaina, a licensed marriage family therapist at the Child Guidance Center in Santa Ana, many of the young moms they work with at the center have an absent father in their lives. Others come from two-parent homes where both parents are uninvolved in their child’s life and don’t provide a moral and spiritual compass. “Some haven’t had nurturing from their parents and they want someone who can love them,” says Vevaina. “They know they shouldn’t get pregnant, but they feel that, ‘Well, if I do get pregnant, at least there will be someone to love me. And this will be my own baby and my own sort of fantasy family.’” Whatever the reason, the unexpected family addition generally sends an entire household into a crisis. Unable to cope with the shattered dreams they held for their child, some parents banish their daughters from their lives. Many of these same parents, though, will come around and offer support after they have time to adjust to the shock and the emotional wounds begin to heal, says Eaton, whose agency often serves as a bridge between the girls and their parents. Society as a whole, on the other hand, isn’t always quite so forgiving, which continues to evoke a sense of secrecy among both the teenager and her parents. To the dismay of American parents, teachers and spiritual leaders, it’s popular for youth to act, behave and dress in almost any fashion. But is not OK for a young girl to be pregnant. A hidden secret Karen Fera was at work nearly 15 years ago when she received the call: Her youngest sister Jenny, who was 17 at the time, was gone. While the family knew something hadn’t been right during the weeks leading up to her leaving, for months they had no idea where she was or why she had fled. Was she suicidal? Was she taking drugs? Did she have an eating disorder? Her mother had found books on bulimia in the house. The books, though, turned out to be a calculated disguise. Several months later, Jenny returned home just as unexpectedly as when she had left with a newborn baby girl in tow. “She contacted a local church and stayed with a family who lived about two hours away,” says Fera of Dove Canyon. “They watched over her and took her to doctors’ appointments. It was a foster care-type situation.” Such secrecy, whether it’s a young girl trying to keep the pregnancy from her parents or the parents themselves seeking to avoid judgment from neighbors and friends, still exist today despite a number of ethical challenges within our society. Midriff shirts, low-cut pants, thongs and belly button rings have become common dress among a number of young girls. Sex is promoted on television, in print and in lyrics that blare from CD players. And a number of parents today promote the teaching of safe sex, rather than abstinence. Even though the acceptance bar has been dramatically raised from when today’s parents were growing up, teen pregnancy, as well as young mothers, continues to draw harsh judgments and stares. “I think a lot of it’s based around, especially in California, that they will become welfare moms,” says Eaton. “The whole stigma (that) these girls are never going to be able to lift themselves out of the poverty level and why are they having these children.” Helpful resources What has changed, though, are the resources available today to assist these young mothers as they transition from childhood to parenthood. From Toby’s House, a shelter and halfway home for young women who are often pregnant with their second child, to Mary’s Shelter that serves girls under 18, to Hannah’s House, which provides a safe haven for those who plan to put their baby up for adoption there are many. At Toby’s House, regarded for its high success rate in helping to turn around the lives of young women, the program is extensive. Those who live there are required to work and/or attend school. They also participate in a series of programs, including therapy where past hurts and destructive behaviors are addressed as well as classes on parenting, coping skills, nutrition and others. Eaton runs three shelters in Orange County. Two of the homes, which are located in Capistrano Beach and Dana Point, typically serve young women between the ages of 18 and 22 during their pregnancy and up to six months after the baby is born. After successful completion of this program or a similar one, they can move to a transitional shelter in Mission Viejo. Most of the women who live here have a toddler as well as a baby and usually stay up to a year. Classes continue, rent is higher and part of the rent they pay goes into a mandatory savings program. “They want the self-esteem to hold their heads up high and say, ‘I might have made a mistake and I’m a single mom. But you know what, I’m going to go out and take care of my children,’” says Eaton. “And what we’re doing is giving them the opportunity to be able to do that.” Kelly Taylor moved into the Capo Beach shelter in early June when she was eight months pregnant. Prior to that, she lived a short time with her dad in Las Vegas and then later with the father of her child’s parents in Barstow. When neither of the arrangements worked, she headed back to her hometown in San Clemente. Currently, she lives with five other women at Toby’s House, two of whom are expecting their second child and one mom who has triplets. Being among other young moms represents another powerful component of the program. The young women, bonded by single parenthood, share their tears and fears as well as their joys and triumphs. They divide the household chores and watch over each other’s children. Kelly, for example, has become like a second mom to 1-year-old Cara, who pretty much refuses to go to anyone else besides her mom. Kelly watches over the toddler while her mother Angela attends school at Saddleback College. Angela, in turn, watches Kelly’s 4-month-old son, Shor, while Kelly works at a nearby restaurant. “The programs have helped a lot. Especially when I was pregnant, I was very emotional,” says Kelly. “And it just really helped to talk about it and to know that I wasn’t alone, like other girls were doing it. And to know that when my baby was going to come that I would have support and help.” The ocean can be seen off the main street of the spacious home, a spot where undoubtedly many of Kelly’s high school friends spend their spare time. But unlike a lot of teen moms, Kelly doesn’t feel she’s missing out. Instead, her focus is on being a mother and taking the challenges one day and one step at a time. On the days that she works, Kelly begins by pumping fresh breast milk for her son while she’s at work. She also makes a trip home on her 30-minute break to feed him. When she’s not working, she tends to her son and oftentimes Cara as well. Each weekday evening, she participates in a one-hour program with the other moms. “I know this isn’t forever and I kind of worry about what I’m going to do after this because I don’t want to live alone,” she says. “I love having the support and other ladies. I’m thinking about talking to Angela and maybe we could get a place together.” A number of other teens, on the other hand, move back home or continue to live with their parents as they prepare to take on the responsibility. Others like Sara choose a much harder path. Rather than moving back home with her mom and step dad in Costa Mesa after she and her husband split, she rented a room at a nearby house for her and her daughter. Her mother watched the baby while she worked full time to pay the bills and build a savings account. Now 18 years old, Sara’s fierce determination to accept the consequences and responsibilities of her decisions can be seen in the progress she has made in just a year, as can the difficulty of her situation. Today, she no longer sleeps on a mattress on the floor, but in a bed. She and her 14-month-old daughter share an apartment in Riverside, rather than a room. And she drives instead of having to catch a bus with a stroller, diaper bag and child in arms. Employment and assistance programs, such as Medical and reduced utility fees, help to ease the financial burden. Even so, money is tight and there are times when she’s unable to fill her gas tank. But as with the other challenges she encounters, Sara focuses on the positives in her life rather than feelings of despair. The first thing she sees upon entering her home is a “wall of inspiration and love.” The collection of pictures of Sara, her daughter and her family remind her of values and priorities. She looks back at past accomplishments, which brings assurance that others will come in time, and holds steadfast to her belief that God will never give her more than she can bear. She also sets her sights on a single goal rather than trying to accomplish everything at once. And she relies upon the lessons she learned at Girls Inc. in Costa Mesa, which taught her how to be “smart, strong and bold.” “It’s difficult. It’s really, really difficult. I’ve had to grow up a lot more, but it’s helped,” she says. “Nobody’s perfect. Everybody’s going to make mistakes. It’s how you deal with your mistakes that determines who you are in life.” Though rarely reported in the media, a number of these young moms go on to live happy, successful lives despite the extreme initial disadvantages. Fera’s sister, for example, went on to school and landed a successful career. Married and the mother of a second child, her husband adopted her firstborn. In addition, more than 80% of the women who complete the programs at Toby’s House end up managing their life on their own. Most are married and hold high profile or successful positions. Still, even with the available assistance, not all teen moms weather the challenges and responsibilities that come from being thrust into both adulthood and parenthood before finishing school and reaching maturity. The enormity of what these girls face as well as the often-grim realities can be seen in a report by the Conditions of Children in Orange County. According to the report, teen mothers are less likely to get or stay married, less likely to complete high school or college, and more likely to require public assistance and live in poverty than their peers who are not mothers. “They’re in shock when they realize how much work is involved in taking care of a baby. And all the freedoms they would normally want is gone,” says Vevaina. “This is the age when most teenagers want to be free and independent. They want to socialize with their friends. And all those activities get curtailed when they have a baby. They don’t realize it initially, but when they have a baby, there are a lot of losses they go through.” (Lost friends and changed schools, for instance, completely disrupt their support system.) The report also states several negative consequences for the child as well. Children born to teen mothers, for example, are one-third more likely to be a low birthweight baby and have 50% higher infant mortality than children born to mothers over 20 years old. They also are less likely to obtain the emotional and financial resources they need to develop. And research shows that children born to single mothers are more likely to drop out of school, to give birth out of wedlock, to divorce or separate and to be dependent on welfare. The risk for child abuse and abandonment proves greater as well. Sara, though, is determined to defy such labels. “I’m not just a teenage mother. I’m not just a statistic,” she says. “I’m so much more than that. I’m a poet. I’m an author. And I’m a mother, a daughter and a sister.” In September, the young mom took another major step toward her and her daughter’s future. Through a series of scholarships the largest coming from a national essay contest she won through Girls, Inc. she began attending UC Riverside where she is majoring in molecular biology. “(My daughter) gave me a new motivation because I’m not just going back to school for myself. I’m not going to school to mess around and go to fraternity parties or any of that,” she says. “I’m actually going to school for a purpose because I want to make something of myself so that way I have something to give to my daughter. “That was my biggest regret in having a child young that I’m not able to give her everything.” Sandy Bennett is associate editor at OC Family Magazine. For Letters: ocfamily.com RESOURCES There are a number of programs in Orange County that assist pregnant teens, as well as ones aimed at preventing pregnancy. Here are eight. Safe Haven: The law allows mothers who do not want to keep their newborn to drop them off anonymously at a hospital, police or fire station without fear of prosecution. The infants must have been born within 72 hours and can be reclaimed within 14 days. Toby’s House: Offers two pregnancy shelters and a half-way home for young women who are 18 or older and often pregnant with their second child. Information: 949.364.6674. Birth Choice: A pregnancy health center, located in Irvine, Mission Viejo and Placentia, where teens and young adults can get questions answered, obtain pregnancy prevention literature and receive pregnancy and STD testing. Information: 949.364.3939. Mary’s Shelter: Serves pregnant teens 12-17 years old and offers a transitional shelter for teen moms and their children 0-2 years old. Information: 714.730.0930. Hannah’s House: Serves single, pregnant women over 18 who will be placing their child up for adoption. Information: 714.538.2185. Girls Incorporated of Orange County: Offers a series of nationally recognized, abstinence-based programs, as well as ones that address peer pressure and self-esteem. Information: 949.646.7181. The Child Guidance Center: Offers an array of outpatient mental and emotional health programs as well as parenting programs that are geared to prevent child abuse. Its newest program, Parent Child Interaction Therapy, includes weekly in-house “coaching” sessions and in-home visits by therapists. Information: 714.953.4455. The Orange County Child Abuse Prevention Center: Offers a full spectrum of services designed to meet the mental, emotional and physical needs of families, including in-home parenting education where professional social workers and volunteer parent mentors work with families in their own home. Information: 714.543.4333. Sex Talk 6 tips from parents to children Certainly one of the most emotional moments for a family is the discovery that their young daughter is pregnant, or their son is a father. Communicating clearly and with love early in life is a crucial component to raising a child. Michael Webb is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Newport Beach. Here are six answers to parental questions posed by OC Family Magazine: Q: What’s the appropriate age to discuss the effects of an unwanted pregnancy? A: You have to teach your values around sex and sexuality early on. Within that, you’re clarifying your values (such as) abstinence. You also have to talk about why, why do you have that value: religious beliefs; you can get pregnant; you can get STDs; you’re not mature enough. You are clarifying why. As well, you are adding on what are the potential consequences of superceding that value. They have to be connected and internalized, so when they are in that situation, they are not only refraining…but they are doing it based upon their values and the belief of what the consequences could be. Q: How do you raise the ethical and moral issues? A: If you want to shape anything, particularly values, you have to touch it often. You can’t just have it out there and look at it, and you can’t pound it. But touch it often, gently and with forethought. That’s what parents have to do, to shape it in a way you want it to be expressed down the road. And you have to do it early. Q: How do you best portray these consequences in a manner that your daughter will understand? A: You have to talk about a real-case scenario. Whether you see them in the paper: ‘I read about this,’ or, ‘Gosh, look at this.’ Or, ‘Did you hear about that baby they found in a trash can.’ You talk about situations, where you talk about the consequences. Q: How do you gauge when her risk factor might be getting out of hand, and how do you take steps of prevention? A: When that happens, you always approach it from a relational perspective of care and concern. The care and concern being, ‘You’re going to have some unhappy experiences; we’re afraid for you. We want the best for you.’ Q: What’s the best way to make certain the communication line is open 24/7? A: Always work toward having a safe, loving relationship, where anything can be discussed, knowing that your parents are not going to freak out, that they won’t get angry or shut down. The way a parent can do that is through initiating conversations around issues of sex and sexuality, in a relaxed and casual way, where it doesn’t feel stressed and pushed. This is a topic that (families) should be able to discuss. If the parent can talk about it and feel safe and comfortable, the child will feel the same way. Q: Does the parent make the same, strong pitch to the son as one would with the daughter? A: Definitely. The same discussions about values, questions about the consequences, ought to be discussed with the son. Talk about the differences in gender and the consequences, but talk about boundaries, personal boundaries, and about (the price of) not taking responsibility that leads to the negative consequence.m By Craig Reem |
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