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With the thousands and thousands of American divorces each year, about 1 million children are affected. When Kim and Sherri Fischbach divorced 11 years ago, they split everything 50-50 - including the time that each would spend with their only child. Today, their 15-year-old daughter, Allison, has two sets of just about everything. Two toothbrushes, two hair dryers, two sets of clothes, two equally messy bedrooms and two separate homes, both of which are perched upon a South Orange County hill. One is with her father in Rancho Santa Margarita. The other, with her mother, in Aliso Viejo. For many parents, as well as their children, the loss of everyday life together is indeed the most difficult aspect, and a painful reality, of divorce. "It took years to adjust to not being able to see Allison for four or five days at a time," says Kim. "I mean, to not be able to see your child, that's tough." Thousands and thousands of other families meet the same fate each year. According to Divorce Magazine's website (www.divorcemag.com), which draws from several sources such as the U.S. Census Bureau, National Center for Health Statistic, and Americans for Divorce Reform, 50 percent of first marriages and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. These partings involve 1 million children each year. Like Allison, a growing number of these youths are spending more and more time with each parent, rather than the traditional every-other-weekend scenario. The split living arrangement affords more "real time" with each parent, an important developmental component often missing in sole custody arrangements. According to 1997 statistics from the Children's Rights Council of Maryland, shared parenting accounted for more than 20 percent of post-divorce living arrangements for U.S. children. Almost unheard of in 1970, it has become the predominant form of child custody in some states, accounting for nearly half of the child custody awards. Joint custody, commonly referred to as shared custody, addresses both physical and legal aspects. The legal component, which is the most prevalent of the two, involves shared decisions about a child's welfare, including education, health care and religious upbringing. Joint physical custody, which comes in an array of forms, refers to the child's living arrangement. Children, for example, may spend summer and school vacations with their father and the school year with their mother. This proves a popular option when parents do not live in close proximity. Others capture more time together through designated weekday evenings visits. Or, the children may switch homes every other - or every few - days. The latter has been a way of life for Allison since she was 4 years old. She spends Mondays and Tuesdays with her mom and Wednesdays and Thursdays with her dad, alternating weekends between each. She attends school near her mom's house at Aliso Niguel High School. "I feel like both are home," she says. "And I get two of everything." Growing popularity The trend is fueled by a number of factors. At the top of the list is the increased number of two-income households. "There are more women working full time and the fathers are increasingly getting involved in parenting," says Michael Webb, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Newport Beach. "I see that there's an increase in the number of fathers who really want at least half of the time with their child because they have played such a role in their life within the marriage in terms of child care. They want to continue to have that level of involvement." Other factors include a growing body of research that shows the crucial role fathers play in a child's development as well as less noble ones often entangled with bitterness. Shared custody, for instance, is sometimes sought after - as well as fought for - as a way to punish an ex-spouse. It's also seen by some as an avenue to increase or decrease child support payments. These misguided intentions, where greed, anger and control issues take precedence over the well-being of the child, along with continuous battles between ex-spouses, are what bring long-term damage to children of divorce. While research shows that children are adversely affected by most any divorce, the real trauma, says Webb, comes from the emotional discord between the parents. Isolina Ricci sums it up nicely in her book, "Mom's House, Dad's House:" "When children are free to love both their parents without conflict of loyalty, to have access to them both without fear of losing either, they can get on with the totally absorbing business of growing up, on schedule." The decision process But does splitting their time between two homes serve as the answer? According to an article published by the American Psychological Association in the March 2002 issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, children in joint custody arrangements had less behavioral and emotional problems, had higher self-esteem, better family relationships and school performance than children in sole custody arrangements. The research, based on an analysis by psychologist Robert Bauserman of 33 studies between 1982 and 1999, compared child adjustment in joint physical or joint legal custody with sole-custody settings and intact families. The study, however, also concluded that the amount of time spent with each parent was more influential in the outcome than the child's living situation. "Both parents play critical roles in the development of their child," says Webb. "So you really want to, as best you can, make sure that the child has as much opportunity as possible to spend time with each parent." Similar results were found in a study on the impact of divorce on children by Judith Wallerstein, author of "Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce." The research found that children who were allowed continuous access to both parents appeared less likely to suffer from feelings of loss and rejection. Arguments against shared custody arrangements, on the other hand, include inconsistent child-rearing, a lack of being settled in any one place, loss of predictability and stability, and children unprepared for the responsibility and increased opportunity while caught in the middle of feuding parents. The benefits of shared custody quickly diminish if there is significant conflict between parents. In these instances, children do not fare any better in shared parenting than they do in sole custody. In addition to the research, a number of other factors need to be taken into account when determining if such an arrangement works best for a child. Besides the obvious of making sure each environment is free of abuse and neglect, additional considerations include the needs of a special child as well as the proximity of both parents. The distance between the two households, for example, should allow for the child to attend one school and afford them the ability to maintain friendships. This wasn't the case some two decades ago in a story that made national news: A 5-year-old Southern California boy was shuttled between a parent's home in the Bay Area and another's in Ventura County. He flew one way or the other each week. Parents also need to consider who was the primary caregiver during the marriage, says Webb, as well as the age of the child. "I think of 0-3, 0-4 as being very foundational years in the neurological development of a child," he says. "(During this period, children need) to have the continuity in the caregiving. And optimally speaking that involves one parent being there on a more consistent basis. In those types of arrangements, a more traditional, every-other-weekend custody situation is maybe more indicative than to have a split 50 percent with each person. "After age 3 or age 4, then I think that it is very viable that the child have increasing amounts of time with the other parent." Webb encourages couples with children who want to end their marriage to put together a co-parenting agreement. Topics, such as schooling, issues of discipline as well as how not to speak negatively about the other parent are among the areas to address. "It's more of an intentional, pro-active way of handling some of this so that they're not handling in the midst of the upset, the overwhelm and when there's a lot of emotions flying," he says. "The child inevitably gets pulled into that. Kim and Sherri are among the seemingly few who were able to put their differences aside and work out such a plan on their own. Others seek assistance through mediation and family therapy. Families First's co-parenting workshops serve as another option. The Irvine-base organization offers a 12-hour program designed for parents who share parenting responsibility but don't live together. Other ex-couples opt to rehash and battle their differences through repeated court appearances. "The bottom line was we were both more interested in Allison's well-being and we didn't want her to be influenced by anything we argued or fought about," say Kim. "And besides, there wasn't anything to fight about. We split it all 50-50." Sandy Bennett is Churm Publishing, Inc.'s associate editor. A Couples Deal How the Fischbachs make it all work Though Kim and Sherri Fischbach's new lives were filled with much uncertainty when they divorced 11 years ago, one thing remained in balance. Neither of them wanted to be an every-other-weekend parent to their daughter. "That was always our plan from the very start," says Sherri. "We both loved her and wanted to see her. There was really no other option." Today, the South County residents are not only the epitome of a shared custody arrangement at its best, they also serve as prime examples of what it takes to make the situation work. At the top of the list is providing a secure environment, which also stands as one of the strongest arguments against the split living arrangement. Their schedule is both predicable and stable but offers flexibility when circumstances beckon. Up until three years ago, for example, daughter Allison, now 15, spent seven days at a time with each parent. Prior to their present arrangement, they worked out a 60/40 split for several months while Kim went back to school to get his MBA. And now they keep a watchful eye on Allison's changing needs now that she is a teen. Consistency also is evident in parenting, particularly in the area of granted privileges and consequences. Curfews, for instance, are very similar as are expectations in areas such as school. Kim and Sherri also agreed early on that Allison wouldn't be allowed to go to one parent's home more than the other's simply because she was angry at one of them; and that any discipline action sticks, even if it's time to switch homes. The ex-spouses also have avoided the much cited loophole of living out of a suitcase. Only teen must-haves, such as makeup and CDs, go back and forth from each home, and sometimes a can't-do-without outfit. "It's important for parents to try to replicate in each home pretty much the same items," says Michael Webb, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Newport Beach. "This way it's more of a car ride than it is starting to pack up as they get ready to go to their next home." Communication is key as well to a successful outcome, not only initially but on an ongoing basis. The ex-spouses frequently talk and update one another on what's happening, especially if an issue arises, says Sherri. A number of challenges emerged when Kim remarried eight years ago. For Allison, the remarriage proved more difficult than the new living arrangement that came with her parent's divorce. While there were indeed initial struggles going from one family to two separate ones, the transition came natural for the three. The reason for the ex-spouses' success? "We forgave each other and we got over the grieving early on," says Kim. "And we picked up and moved on with our lives and didn't hold on to any bitterness, resentment or anger. "It wouldn't have been healthy for Allison." - By Sandy Bennett Resources Here are a sample of divorce-related and co-parenting resources. Professional Services: Ex-couples oftentimes seek outside services of a mediator or therapist to help reduce conflict and build a co-parenting plan. Get a referral or check the yellow pages. Also see OC Family's Advertisers' Resource guide and Marketplace section. Workshops: Families First in Irvine offers co-parenting programs on an ongoing basis. The workshop currently is presented on four consecutive Thursday evenings at Children's Hospital in Orange. New groups start every five weeks; and in January, the program also will be offered at additional locations. Information: 949.387.0103. Divorce Recovery workshops also may prove helpful. Two well-regarded ones are presented regularly at Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove (714.971.4000) and St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church in Newport Beach (949.631.2880). Media: A wealth of information can be found on the Internet. Use the keywords "shared custody" and/or "co-parenting" to scan through sites that may be of interest to you. BOOKS: Two popular books to consider include Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child" by Isolina Ricci and "The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart" by Constance Ahrons. - Compiled by Sandy Bennett |
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