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The visions we embrace before parenthood focus on tenderness and serenity. Cradling a content baby in our arms. Tucking a child into bed after a nighttime story. Shared moments of laughter and conversation around the dinner table. We look forward to asking the developing child, "And what was the highlight of your day?" Sure, we've witnessed outbreaks by children - other people's kids - at restaurants and stores. But these moments don't necessarily arouse concern. That won't be my child. No way. Never. Such perceptions quickly fade to black once baby arrives, complete with his or her own agenda. "I thought it was going to be very clean, pretty and neat. And I would be looking wonderful after the baby was born. My daughter and I would dress alike and we'd have this wonderful relationship all throughout her life," says Ana Maria Bustillo, mother of 11-year-old triplets and a 15-year-old daughter. "The reality is so different. It's ups and downs," says the Seal Beach resident. "One day, my 15-year-old daughter loves me and the next day she hates me. Then she loves me, then she hates me." Add in the enormity of the task, and it's easy to see why parents sometimes feel overwhelmed. "Parenting is like no other job that exists. You're the architect of a human being's life. It's such an enormous responsibility," says Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel, a Newport Beach mother of two grown children and author of "Recipes from Parenting" and "Project Self-Esteem." With no set-in-stone instruction manual to guide us, most of us create the family's framework by adopting a distinct parenting style. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, experts have identified three primary categories. Authoritarian: Parents tend to hover too much over their children, instituting a set of absolute rules and standards. They also tend to assert their power by restricting privileges and even withdrawing love or approval. In the now-defunct Offspring magazine, Benjamin Cheever in 2000 wrote about his father, the writer John Cheever: "Men of his generation had to show their offspring that authority was cruel, arbitrary and unthinking." Two generations removed hasn't softened the parenting of some. Permissive: Parents at the other end of the spectrum. They demonstrate considerable warmth and affection, are generally very accepting, exercise a low level of control over their children and make few demands upon them. The "perfect" child often fits here, as does the "blind" parent. Authoritative: Parents fall between these two extremes. While exercising considerable control, they also exhibit warmth and affection and seem to have appropriate expectations for their children. As their youngsters move through the middle years of childhood, the parents use reason and negotiation in resolving differences. Research shows that leaning too far to the left or right may bring negative results. Being too authoritative, for example, may cause the child to feel rejected or isolated. Additionally, he or she may develop only adequate social skills and may remain dependent long after the chick should have left the roost. Children reared using a permissive approach, on the other hand, sometimes lack needed boundaries. The parent hasn't said no when no was the way. These kids tend to become moderately independent and achieve modest degrees of social success. In real life, they don't get their way, and that's confusing. An authoritative style tends to bring the best results. Children raised with this approach are usually independent and socially successful. This type of parenting is seen in the Bustillo household. "I try to run a very tight ship here," says Bustillo. "There are certain things I don't give in to, like homework is done immediately after school. We don't have Nintendo or any of those fancy things just because I'd rather spend time playing board games with them. I only allow 30-45 minutes of TV after school and only if there's a really good Laker or baseball game on." While rules and routine are clearly established, an air of flexibility and fun also fill the home. This is particularly true when it comes to time with friends. At least two to three usually visit after school. And her children, more often than not, get a "yes" when they ask if someone can spend the night on the weekend. In addition to the three main parenting styles, a number of parents today rely on an array of alternative approaches. One of most prevalent ones is attachment parenting. Some of the characteristics of this approach, which has sprung up in response to increased awareness of the importance of the psychological period during the early years, include child-led weaning of breastfeeding, responding promptly to babies' cries, and an openness to sleeping arrangements. Proponents say this parenting style enhances trust and makes children feel more secure. Other examples of non-mainstream parenting approaches include non-coercive parenting, raising vegetarian children and practicing obscure religions. Whichever style you select, each should be accompanied with love, warmth, support and discipline. Trusting your own instinct, says McDaniel, helps to weed through the options. "Check your gut," she says. "If it doesn't make sense to you, if it doesn't line up inside of you and if it doesn't fit your relationship with your child, then don't do it." Parents typically come to a particular parenting method in one of two ways. One, they model the style used by their own parents. This often holds true even for those who were unhappy with their upbringing. Or, they swing to the opposite side of the pendulum. The latter holds true for Bustillo, whose parents moved to the states from Cuba. She and her three sisters grew up in New York. "They were very absent parents," she says. "They just worked really, really hard and they weren't around to do the average things. Growing up in New York City in an apartment with four girls, it was lonely. It was really lonely. "I went to the opposite extreme where I'm really involved in my kids' life so much so that now with my 15-year-old who's going through a normal stage of needing to be independent, it's really hard for me to let her go." Besides finding the right balance, parents must also contend with temperaments. Tactics that work beautifully with one child sometimes bring little or no results with a sibling. Parenting was a breeze for my sister and her husband, for instance, until their second daughter arrived. With their first-born, now herself a mother, a simple "no" brought change and often a flood of tears. Such tactics had no effect on their second-born who was strong-willed from birth. Rather, as early as age 2, she would place her hand on her hip, cock her head to the side and curl her upper lip in preparation for a lengthy standoff. Intermixed with the daily challenges that come with parenting are those moments we all used to dream about. And in our hearts we know that if given the chance to turn back the clock, we'd do it all over again. "I thank God every night for having the family that I have today," says Bustillo. "I would have never dreamed in my wildest dreams that I would enjoy and have so much fun with my husband and all my children. "I don't even think we realize how fortunate we are when we have kids. To be able to make a change in the world and the future. It's such a tremendous responsibility, but it's an incredible blessing." The Stages of Life Here's a breakdown of different stages children go through and suggestions on how to address them. 6-18 months Babies babble, scream, hit, cry, and bite to communicate their needs. They touch and explore to learn about their bodies and the environment, not to hurt or willfully disobey. We need to limit behavior which is dangerous or hurts others, but not in a way which frightens or harms the baby. Our goal is to help our babies show their feelings without hurting themselves or others. BEST PREVENTION 1. Watch for signals and learn to tell when your baby is overexcited or upset. 2. Show babies how to express their needs in different ways, such as clapping or laughing. 3. Be consistent in your responses. 2-3 years old During the "terrible twos" stage, children need to discover their own strengths, to separate themselves from their parents, and to learn self-control. We can teach our children to behave properly by rewarding good behavior, ignoring provocative behavior, and preventing them from injuring themselves or others. BEST PREVENTION 1. Describe the behavior you expect and the consequences of misbehavior. 2. Feel secure in your overall strategy, so that you don't feel the urge to negotiate or give in. 3-4 years old Children at this age are beginning to learn the rules and limits, but they make mistakes. They need reminders and immediate consequences that respect their growing self-esteem and help them learn without embarrassment or an angry confrontation with their parent. BEST PREVENTION 1. Compliment good behavior. For example: "I really liked how you asked for your turn on the swing." 2. Be sure you and other adults in your child's life are good role models in expressing feelings. 5-7 years old At this age, children are aware of the rules of good behavior, but they still have trouble consistently following through with their responsibilities. They're concerned with "fairness" and they'll let you know when they think the rules of games, chores, or rewards and punishments aren't fair. It's important that you give kids this age lots of praise, while still being firm with your expectations. BEST PREVENTION 1. Divide chores fairly among family members, according to their ages. 2. Be clear about what the task is and what the consequences are. 3. Praise and reward the child for doing his or her chores. For example: "Because you've done such a good job clearing the table, we'll have time for a special story or game together!" 8-10 years old Children in this age group face increasing pressures to perform at school and in front of their peers. They can be very concerned with how they appear to others. At the same time, they need to take increasing responsibility for their behavior, while parents continue to provide guidance and limits. BEST PREVENTION 1. Find out from the teacher how much time should be spent on homework each night. 2. Help your child to set up an appropriate area for homework, without excessive directions. 3. Provide assistance with organizing the work. 11-13 years old Preteens stretch the limits of acceptable behavior and typically act as if peers, not parents, should determine what is appropriate in such areas as bedtime, allowance, and clothing. Parents are often seen as an irritation, but they are expected to provide transportation and supply needs on demand. BEST PREVENTION 1. Develop a supportive network of other parents, so that you can maintain a sense of balance and share ideas and frustrations with peers. 2. Realize that your child still needs your guidance and wants your approval, so don't be shaken by the assertion that peers are more important and you are only an impediment to happiness. Source: Family Education.com PARENTING DO'S AND DON'TS Establishing a style that works best with your family is one aspect of parenting. Sandy Spurgeon McDaniel, who has 40 years experience in child development, offers some additional do's and don'ts. DON'T take your love away as a way of motivating, getting even or punishing a child. DO teach most by what you model. You can talk forever but if your don't model it, the child won't pick it up. DON'T: Probably one of the biggest mistakes parents make is trying to be friends with their kids. DON'T blackmail children to get them to do something. DO be consistent, because if you're not, it just falls apart. Say what you mean. Mean what you say and follow through. DON'T: In place of yelling, spanking and threatening, try the minute drill, which puts the child in charge of the moment in terms of how they respond. Let your child know he or she has one minute (to get out of bed, stop whining for a snack, etc.). Then, tell them that for every minute after one minute they continue, they lose 15 minutes off computer time, playtime, etc. DO: For more serious offensives, consider the Penalty Box technique. First, let them know why they are there by saying, for example, "It is not acceptable to hit." Tell them they must sit quietly and can't leave, talk or yell for a certain time period (number of minutes should coincide with the child's age.) If they do any of those things then their time starts over. Be sure to point out that they are there for a short time unless they choose to stay longer. For additional information, visit Daniel's website at www.sandymcdaniel.com and click on the Parenting SOS icon. |
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