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How to avoid becoming a "helicopter" parent Like many well-meaning parents, Laurie Wright never missed an opportunity to stay one step ahead of her children. If they were assigned to a difficult teacher, she’d storm into the principal’s office to request a change. If they struggled with an involved homework assignment, she was by their side typing the report or adding her two cents on how to make it stronger. If they forgot their lunch at home, she’d drive it over to the school. In years past, she would have been called an overinvolved parent; today she’s better known as a helicopter parent – a mom or dad who hovers closely over their children’s heads, whether the kids need them or not. Our children are the most coddled, overprotected, and watched-over segment of society. From the time many of today’s teenagers were brought home from the hospital buckled tight into their mini-vans displaying “Baby on Board” signs, their parents did everything possible to protect them from harm. As they grew older, their parents fretted over all aspects of their lives: finding the perfect play group, choosing a suitable preschool, hiring the best tutor and batting coach and making sure everything was done to get them into the “right” college. Is it any surprise that child psychologists are now seeing a wide range of symptoms in patients whose parents have practiced helicopter parenting? Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based family therapist and parenting author, admits that she sees the effects of helicopter parenting in many of her young patients. “I’m seeing a lot of young teenagers who are devastatingly crushed by the smallest things,” she says. “I’m seeing high school seniors who are seriously contemplating harming themselves if they don’t get into their first college choice but are accepted by their second through 10th choices.” DISAPPOINTMENT IS OK The crux of the problem for many of these children is that they have poor coping skills because their parents have made life so easy for them, sheltering them from hardship and disappointment. Helicopter parents will swoop in at a moment’s notice to eliminate any adversity in their child’s life. “When we were growing up, our parents let us fail and be disappointed, but today if a kid is unhappy for 10 seconds, we think that’s a bad thing,” says Murray. “The important thing to remember, though, is that disappointment is essential for emotional growth, particularly for strong self-esteem and self-confidence.” According to Murray, most helicopter parents have it backwards. They don’t want their kids to fail at anything, because they wrongly believe that eliminating failure results in positive self-esteem. “For this reason, they want them to be the star in T-ball and get straight As, so their budding self-esteem won’t be harmed,” she says. “But in reality, they will achieve greater self-confidence if they confront a challenge, either succeed or fail, but remain intact afterwards.” Through hard work and perseverance, children develop life skills, such as self-reliance, sharing and conflict resolution, that are necessary for becoming independent young adults. As Murray stresses, “A parent’s primary job is to teach our children how to leave us.” And yet, this is contradictory to the way helicopter parents are choosing to parent. In fact, is it any wonder why the movie, “Failure to Launch,” starring Matthew McConaughy as a young adult who still lives with his parents, struck a chord with so many viewers? The fact of the matter is that increasing numbers of young adults have returned to the nest, seeking direction and comfort they cannot seem to find on their own. Colleges have even complained about increasing numbers of parents becoming overly involved in their children’s lives. In the past, parents would drop their children off at college and let them adjust on their own to their new lives. Today many parents think it’s appropriate to call and question a professor about a particular grade or contact the housing office to complain about a roommate. To make matters worse, some helicopter parents keep hovering even beyond college by calling recruiters about job openings and landlords about rental agreements. INSTANT COMMUNICATION Much of this trend can also be blamed on the cell phone, which keeps parents and their kids connected 24/7. Murray recalls one mother of a patient who complained that her 6-year-old son kept losing his cell phone. “I had to ask the mother why she thought a 6-year-old needs a cell phone, and she said he should have one in case an emergency arises and needs to reach her,” she says. Murray responded by asking the mother what type of emergency would arise where a 6-year-old would be totally alone to deal with it on his own since he typically would be either at school or a friend’s house where a parent is present. “It’s not like he’d be out gallivanting around or taking joy rides,” says Murray. Sadly, news of terrorist attacks, school shootings and abductions make some parents cling even tighter to their children. It’s a natural response to want to protect our kids from the “big, bad world,” but Murray stresses that in most cases, we have an overexaggerated fear for our children’s safety. “Most of us are fortunate to live in safe neighborhoods with very little crime, and yet many people here worry about things that will never happen,” she says. LOVING VS. HOVERING Experts stress that it’s never too late to stop hovering over your children and instead allow them to feel some occasional bumps and frustrations. Obviously it’s best if you start letting go gradually and recognize that as children get older, they’re more capable of doing things on their own. “Expecting a baby to dress himself is unrealistic but expecting a 3-year-old is not,” says Jeremy Schneider, a New York City-based therapist and lecturer specializing in parenting and relationships. “Dressing a 7-year-old teaches them they can’t do things on their own and gives them a sense of entitlement that will make life more difficult.” Schneider suggests that parents ask themselves if their actions are helping or actually preventing their children from learning to do things on their own. For example, if a middle schooler or high schooler has a problem with a grade, working with him to talk to the teacher to make a case for why he should have received a better grade is more empowering and more valuable than doing it for the child. If the child handles this situation on his own, he then recognizes that in the future he has the ability to solve problems for himself. “In essence, the helicopter parent risks their child’s future for a better present while a (reasonably) involved parent invests in their child’s present for a better future,” says Schneider. Murray stresses that when it comes to school projects, parents can be supportive without being overly involved. If a research paper is due in two weeks, it’s OK to tell your child that you’ll take her to the library as well as help her organize her thoughts and time management. “But you certainly can’t do the writing or typing for them and most importantly, do not drive to the school and turn it in for them if they forgot it at home,” she says. Teachers advise parents to practice the following steps in order to avoid helicopter parenting: • Encourage your children to maintain positive communication with their teachers. If a concern arises, let your child initiate a conversation with the teacher before you get involved. • Do not get overly worked up about grades. A few Bs on the report card does not mean that a child has failed. • In talking with the teacher, do not be confrontational. Don’t assume the problem rests with the teacher. • Volunteer in low-key ways. Don’t be a permanent fixture in the classroom. • Do not feel ashamed when your child fails. Instead, help your child learn from his mistakes. He will become stronger and more independent in doing so. LIVING THROUGH YOUR CHILD Another area in which helicopter parents become too involved is their children’s sports. The motivation behind this could be that the parents are living vicariously through their child’s accomplishments or are obsessed with their performance because they think their child’s performance could mean a potential spot on the high school varsity team or an athletic scholarship in college (the latter is highly unlikely, statistically). To avoid being a helicopter parent in these situations, Stacy DeBroff, parent expert and author of “Sign Me Up!: The Parents’ Complete Guide to Sports, Activities, Music Classes, Dance Lessons and Extracurriculars” (Free Press, Simon & Schuster, 2003), offers these tips: • Cheer and call out encouragement instead of direction. • Root for all the kids on the team, not just yours. • Let the coach be the only one giving instructions to the team or individual players. • Put away your video camera during important games, since it places undo pressure on your child. Although helicopter parenting may be one extreme, it’s important to note that parents still need to be involved in their child’s life and be conscious of specific problems, such as associating with dangerous friends or getting involved with alcohol and drugs. It’s important to know where your kids are, but it’s not necessary to check in with them every 30 minutes. Ironically, most of the worries that drive the behavior of helicopter parents are over-inflated. If you give them a chance to grow, most kids will do fine in school, find an extracurricular activity they enjoy, and even associate with friends who will have positive influences on them. The vast majority will graduate from high school and get accepted into decent colleges. “Parents need to calm down and stop worrying,” says Murray. “Your kids are much better off than you think.”m Carol Daus is a longtime contributor to OC Family Magazine. 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