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FEATURE SEPTEMBER 2006 Are you captivated by your child? Do you find yourself gazing at him in wonder, even when he sleeps? Are you smitten merely by his smile? This spellbound condition, common to parents, is attributed to bonding, the complex process by which parents develop an attachment to their children, be they natural or adopted. As parents, we are overcome by an urge to care for and nurture our children. It is entirely impossible to contrive or force the process. We cannot help it; we fall head over heels for our kids. For some it happens instantly. Parents describe seeing their child for the first time in the delivery room and experiencing love at first sight. For many, however, the affinity grows gradually with time. Studies on bonding suggest this amazing phenomenon carries significant benefits for the child. It is thought to be essential to a baby’s health and development. Scientists believe that without a parent’s affection, the baby’s growth will be stunted. Bonding appears to make babies thrive. They sleep and feed better, and become calmer. As they experience love from their parents, they also develop a sense of trust, security and self-esteem. It is not surprising, therefore, that bonding plays a significant role in the well-being of premature or adopted babies, and those with special needs. This lifelong bond transforms our existence as parents. It inspires the most creatively challenged among us to spontaneously make up songs to keep our child smiling. It infuses the mildest of us with the tooth-and-nail ferocity of a grizzly bear when it comes to protecting our young. We sacrifice our sleep, our schedule, and arguably our sanity for our kids, and amazingly we do it with a smile. The chaos aside, child-rearing brings an unspeakable sense of delight and fulfillment. As we expend ourselves on behalf of our children, bonding ensures that we not only survive but enjoy the experience as well. From the moment they are born, babies are keenly attuned to their senses and ready for bonding. They respond readily to touch, and enjoy being cuddled and caressed. Babies have a good sense of smell and early on begin to recognize their parents by scent alone. Although their vision is not clear at birth, they can usually track and see within a foot of their face. They listen closely to sounds around them, and soon recognize the voices of their parents. Bonding with your child can be fun and rewarding for fathers and mothers alike. Parents and children bond in their own unique way. Although there are no hard and fast guidelines to follow, here are nine tips for making the connection. 1 Feeding: Mothers who breastfeed often bond through this activity alone, as they and their babies learn how to read and respond to each other’s cues. Once a bottle is introduced, fathers can enjoy the experience of feeding too. 2 Skin-to-skin contact: With your baby wearing only a diaper, cradle him against your bare skin. A blanket may be helpful to keep his back warm. Your touch, warmth, scent and voice make this a great technique for bonding with and soothing newborns. 3 Bathing: Bath time can be both fun and relaxing for baby, as it incorporates warmth and touch, and your undivided attention. Bath toys often inspire countless games with each other. Drying off afterwards can be followed easily by a massage. 4 Infant massage: Gently massaging your baby is a great way to bond. Many books and video resources are available on the topic. Be sure to learn the basic steps before attempting to massage your baby. 5 Sing to your baby: Don’t be shy. Your baby won’t make scathing remarks about the quality of your voice. On the contrary, silly voices and lyrics will often earn you squeals of delight and laughter. 6 Read books together: It is never too early to start reading together. Your baby may not understand the words or even seem to realize what is going on, but it is a wonderful way to promote closeness and language development as your child sits with you and listens to your voice. Pick books with large photographs of baby faces. Infants often find looking at babies enjoyable, and may smile and coo as they see the pictures. 7 Play games: Diapering or bath time lend themselves well to games like peek-a-boo or “this little piggy.” If you’re on the floor together try letting your baby climb on you. Not only does this activity promote closeness, it also develops strength and motor skills. Mimic the sounds your baby makes and engage her in a “conversation.” Try making up games too. If something you do makes your baby laugh, try doing it repeatedly, and presto…you have a new game! 8 Eye-to-eye contact: It may seem too simple to mention, but with the degree of distractions in the home, finding time to just stop what you are doing and focus on your child is not always easy. It may require some concerted effort. Turn off the television or the computer to give him your undivided attention. Simply enjoy him for that moment. Let your eyes, face, and smile communicate your unconditional love. Considering how rapidly children grow and change, it’s a chance to notice his development, while learning more about who he is. 9 Include your child in whatever you are doing: If your baby is along with you on errands, talk to her as you would any other companion. Tell her about what you are doing and why. A front carrier or sling may allow you to carry your baby and still have use of both hands. While bathing or diapering her, tell her about the steps involved. You may feel silly doing so, but your child will enjoy your voice and the attention. You can begin connecting with your baby as early as your first introduction in the delivery room. Although newborns spend much of their first few days of life sleeping, they are typically alert for several hours after delivery. If possible take advantage of this opportunity for early bonding. Skin-to-skin contact tends to be very soothing as it incorporates touch, with your scent and voice. Fathers are encouraged to do this if a problem with the delivery prevents the mother from doing so. Don’t worry if you miss the opportunity to bond after delivery because of complications or C-section. Successful bonding can occur regardless of whether it is started early or not. There will be plenty of time for becoming acquainted later. Bonding is sometimes delayed for a variety of reasons. If the baby is taken to the intensive care unit following birth, early bonding is not possible. The same is true for an exhausting, prolonged or complicated delivery where the mother is heavily medicated or too tired to appreciate the baby immediately. The mother may have had a delivery experience vastly different from what she hoped for, and may feel very disheartened. Sometimes parents may have a certain expectation for the appearance of their child and experience disappointment after seeing the baby. Delayed bonding is not uncommon. Parents in this situation often find themselves feeling disconnected from their child. They may hesitate to mention this to others for fear of being judged or thought of as bad parents. A delay in bonding is often linked to postpartum depression. Be sure to talk to your doctor or your child’s pediatrician if you think this may be the case for you. Remember, it’s never too late to show your child your love. Even adult children appreciate knowing their parents notice and care about them. Your child will never outgrow the need for your attention. Take a moment to listen to him and enjoy him. Give him a hug and tell him “I love you”. Regardless of when it happens, bonding with your child is a pleasurable and gratifying experience. The inexplicable magic between parent and child is essential to the welfare of both, and greatly worth the investment of time and energy. The next time you find yourself entirely beguiled and charmed by your child, and on the verge of indulging her every whim, rest assured, this isn’t your fault. You’re just the happy victim of a bad case of bonding.m Dr. Richelle K. Marracino is a family practice physician at UC Riverside Campus Health Center. Information: 951.827.3031. |
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