EVERYTHING
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A mere 4 years ago, when my twins were around 2 and up and running, I took enough time off during weekdays to take them to the park several times. When toddlers get mobile, there is much to explore. However, the visits were nearly always uncomfortable a dad, me, in a sea of moms. “Why aren’t you working?” was the typical look. My presence rarely led to conversations, or even polite chitchat. I sat while they talked and all the children played. I’ll have to try playing hooky again with my 6-year-olds and see if the climate has changed. The numbers certainly have. As Hogan Hilling, one of the region’s best-known, stay-at-home dads, points out in the following report, the anomaly has become a trend. A growing number of dads have taken the plunge and now are the primary caregivers for 2 million preschool children. According to the U.S. Census, some 105,000 Americans are full-time stay-at-home dads. And they are doing so by borrowing a chapter from mom’s playbook: the other spouse holds the full-time job; the corporate corner office is now an at-home niche; and, custody is within the single dad’s reach. Dad is today a bigger presence at playgrounds, even if the conversations have yet to be more comfortably formed. By Craig Reem Head of the Class Staying at home since 1990 By Hogan Hilling In 1990, when my wife, Tina, and I bucked tradition and made a conscious decision to become a stay-at-home-dad family, we were considered an anomaly. While it was a logical choice for our family, our relatives, friends, neighbors and strangers had a difficult time accepting and understanding it. Nevertheless, we never wavered from our commitment to this alternative lifestyle because we didn’t buy into the following notions: • That a man’s place is behind a desk or workbench wearing a Home Depot tool belt, not a kitchen island or Hoover vacuum cleaner adorning a Martha Stewart apron. • That a man doesn’t have any natural instincts or skills to nurture and care for a child, or manage a household. • That a family cannot survive on one income, especially with mom being the primary breadwinner. • That families who live this alternative lifestyle do so by default. None of these notions could be further from the truth. Stay-at-home dads don’t suddenly lose their masculinity. I still enjoy participating in guy stuff. I hunt, fish, eat steak, drink beer, watch football games, play poker, smoke cigars. All of our children are still breathing, healthy and thriving. Our oldest, Grant, is a 16-year-old licensed driver and student-athlete at Northwood High School playing for the junior varsity volleyball team. Wesley, who was born with a rare genetic disorder called Angelman Syndrome, is 14 and enjoying his last year of middle school at Rancho San Joaquin. Matthew, 10, attends El Camino Real Elementary School, and continues to entertain us with his artistic talents and witty humor. Our family survives on Tina’s schoolteacher’s salary. For us, the quality of our life as a family is more important than the quality of our family's lifestyle. Most of the stay-at-home-dad families I know made a conscious choice to live this alternative lifestyle. And “Rebel Dad” (www.rebeldad.com) Brian Reid notes, “Those dads who initially left the workforce by default found being a stay-at-home dad rewarding enough not to go back to work.” While this lifestyle is not for every family, it has gained national popularity. According to Census data, dads are now the primary caregivers for 2 million American preschoolers, a number that has jumped 70 percent since I took the plunge in 1990. But numbers can be misleading. This figure is probably much higher because many dads still have a difficult time admitting they are the primary caregiver for fear of having their masculinity questioned. And the latest Census ignores dads who work part time, in an era when record numbers of workers are doing so out of their home. Is the stigma slowly lifting? Does a trend mean acceptance? Several socioeconomic factors come into play, as does technology and a prevailing attitude that has embraced the stay-at-home-dad lifestyle. A dad, Matt Cohen, points out that “some portion of it is the economic downturn. Fathers who had jobs were laid off. With the wife still working, many families took the opportunity to re-evaluate costs of daycare vs. dad starting over at a lower wage.” The wage-earning power of women in today’s workforce has also been a boost. Author Libby Gills writes about these and other issues in her book “Stay-At-Home Dads: The Essential Guide to Creating the New Family” (Penguin, $14). Many at-home dads say they first met on an Internet site, which has now become the lifeline of the stay-at-home-dad community. Log onto slowlane.com, the online resource for at-home dads, and you will find links to Dad-To-Dad playgroups across the country, as well as online chat lists around the world including Canada, England, Australia and Japan. The Dad-To-Dad playgroups meet once a week at park playgrounds and on occasions arrange zoo outings, mall excursions and Dad’s Night Out events. During a 3-year period, one Dad-To-Dad playgroup grew from 12 to more than 100 dads. The Orange County Dad-To-Dad Playgroup led by Cohen meets once a week at a park in Tustin; it has 70 members. Lately, there have been discussions about organizing other Dad-To-Dad playgroups in South and North Orange County, and the Inland Empire. The most significant reason, however, for the increased popularity is that more people, including the dads, embrace and view this life as a viable option. “Long gone are the days of women primed from birth to make babies and hold bake sales,” notes a dad, J. D. Buckwell. “Attitudes are changing,” says another dad, Jeremey Golden, “none more powerful than our attitude about it.” Today most at-home dads no longer stroll the streets with an inferiority complex, but rather, with a swagger of pride and self-assurance that has helped turn the focus of attention from questioning to embracing. In so doing, this positive vibe has given everyone a chance to recognize the benefits of having dad as the primary caregiver. The benefits of having any type of father, wage-earning or at-home dad or a combination of the two, enriches children’s lives. And one way moms benefit is that it provides them with an opportunity to pursue their careers without the guilt of having someone outside the family care for their children. Neighborhoods benefit because stay-at-home dads serve as another playmate for the children on the block to play with and a safeguard against criminal activity. Schools benefit because as the pool of stay-at-home dads increases, so does the number of dads available to volunteer in the classrooms and PTA functions. At our elementary school, the influx of at-home dads has also inspired wage-earning dads to follow suit. At-home dads have also benefited. For Jeffrey Lee Steinberg, his whole life perspective has changed. “Being a dad is no longer all sports and camping trips.” Jason Kauflin, said that it has enhanced his relationship with his wife, Cindy. “Almost entirely gone are the days of snide, little remarks to my wife…With the patience I have been taught from being an at-home dad, I am able to express myself more calmly and concisely.” These sentiments have been expressed by almost every stay-at-home dad I’ve met. And while our children may not love us more, they love us in a fuller sense. Hogan Hilling is an Orange County resident. Life Today Rediscovering the treasure of fatherhood By Jim Larkins A few years ago, I lost the job I had held for nearly a decade. Suddenly, I was an unprepared, unemployed, single father of 3. At first I wondered how I would provide for my family. However, I realized later that the day my career ended marked the beginning of better times for all of us. Up until then, the long hours and little challenge of my position had me returning home at the end of each workday, a little more burned out and a little closer to becoming a stranger in my own home. But with my termination came the opportunity to become reacquainted with my children. After interviewing for jobs during the morning hours, I spent the rest of the day with them. It was then that I discovered my true calling: a short-order cook, psychologist, paramedic, and a coach for a variety of sports (when I wasn’t wearing a catcher’s mitt, I was wearing an oven mitt). I had become a father again, and although the position came with a variety of responsibilities, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I found I had a renewed sense of purpose and a new identity in my children’s eyes, and I didn’t want that to end. So instead of taking another job that would allow only enough time to catch passing glimpses of them, I decided to work only part time and begin fulfilling a long-held dream of returning to school. The effort required discipline and sacrifice for all of us. Financially, we had to cut corners in order to make ends meet. I supplemented my part-time income with government grants and small scholarships. I also had to carefully plan my own schedule around that of my children’s. I signed up for education classes whenever possible. The struggle to balance the itinerary of my children’s homework and sports interests with that of my coursework was often more physically taxing than my classwork. I viewed many nocturnal Internet lectures while they enjoyed the one luxury I had sacrificed the most a good night’s sleep. In the mornings, with the help of caffeine and skills I picked up in my mother’s kitchen, I was able to have breakfast prepared before anyone else was up. My cooking was criticized more than once. I was sometimes accused of serving entrees such as powdered eggs. On those occasions, I would laugh and remind my hungry brood that powdered eggs can’t be served sunnyside up, only scrambled into a gritty pile. Besides, they only learned of such foods by listening to me reflect on my own childhood, when we dined on commodities provided by government grants, such as processed cheese, canned meat product of unknown origins, and, oh yes, powdered eggs. My children didn’t qualify for such culinary benefits, so when money was scarce I had to be creative. When we dined out, I used levity to keep up morale, sometimes delivering meals to their table made up of selections from the 99-cent menu, and an announcement that had become somewhat predictable: “They were all out of Happy Meals so I got these unhappy meals,” I would say to 3 sets of rolling eyes. At times I drifted in to pick up a paycheck with my car’s fuel light blinking, munching on a leftover peanut butter and jelly sandwich, flattened from its journey to and from school in someone’s backpack. Still, by taking a few consumer shortcuts we were able to enjoy most family activities. For example, we go to the movies with our own candy and soda stuffed in large-pocketed cargo pants. We settled for snapshots in lieu of expensive souvenirs so we could visit amusement parks without going into debt. I sometimes think about these sacrifices and wonder if going from full-time to part-time work was the right decision. However, as I stand soothing my sand-scorched feet in a pool of ocean water, watching 3 very special people for whom I have once again become an active father, I know the answer is a resounding “yes.” I wonder how many fathers remain trapped in a factory, cubicle maze, or motionless freeway commute, while their children take turns pretending to be daddy in games that mimic the family life they wish they had? I can now say that nothing compares to the satisfaction of coming home and filling that role in person. Jim Larkins of Mission Viejo is father to 2 sons, 13 and 11, and a daughter, 12. Designated Parent A Corona dad becomes the primary caregiver Work used to keep Reg Cawley Jr. from his family for most of the day. That changed, though, when the roles reversed for him and his wife Deborah. Today, his days are scheduled around the couple’s 2 children. “We just decided it would be better if one of the parents was at home for them,” he says. “We’re just trying to make ends meet the best we can in whichever direction we have to go to do it.” True to their commitment, Reg became the primary caregiver about a year ago when Deborah went to work full time at a firm near the family’s home in Corona. Being the boss of his own company Reg started R.E. Cawley’s Certified Mobile Welding in 1999 allowed for such flexibility. Now if Moriah, 12, or Matthew, 10, get sick, their dad is the designated parent who stays home. The 49-year-old also gets the kids off to school and to after-school activities. Moriah, for example, recently participated in a drama program through the city and Matthew plays Little League. The former Orange County resident also recently went on a field trip with his son’s class to Discovery Science Center in Santa Ana. Then, there’s the typical daily routines he oversees, such as ensuring the kids get their homework done while also tending to his business. His jobs, which he limits and stretches over a longer period, are scheduled during the times that the kids are in school. Both children are in year-round school, which eliminates issues surrounding a long, summer break. The cycle of his workflow also works in his favor. Business, for example, tends to be slower during the end of fall through the early part of spring. “There are a lot of things to do. We just juggle things around,” he says. “It’s worked out real well for us.” By Sandy Bennett 5 styles The Father Figure, Defined There is a difference between BEING a father and actively, consciously, deliberately FATHERING. According to author Stephan B. Poulter, most men put more thought into how they pursue their careers than into how they influence their sons. “It’s not that men who are less-than-ideal fathers don’t love their sons,” explains Poulter, author of the new book “Father Your Son: How to Become the Father You’ve Always Wanted to Be” (McGraw-Hill, 2004, $14.95). “They DO love them desperately. But fathering is a learned skill, and there’s much more to it than paying the bills and playing an occasional game of catch in the back yard. Fathering your son means connecting with him on a deep, emotional level. The problem is that if your father didn’t connect with you in this way, you’re operating under a handicap. Whether you unconsciously repeat it or deliberately reject it, your father’s parenting style does affect yours.” Poulter says there are 5 fundamental fathering styles, and while you may employ elements of all 5, one of them will predominate: Super achiever: The super-achiever father is a man who never received nurturing from his father. In order to compensate for this loss of emotional support, he develops a competitive nature that is always looking for perfection in work, relationships or anything else that will cover up the loss of a relationship with his father. Part and parcel of this competitiveness is a hypercritical nature. Time bomb: This style of fathering is based solely on the fear factor. Authority in this house is maintained by sheer volume of emotional expression. The use of threatening language, anger, yelling, and promises of physical violence are the status quo. The norm is the unpredictability of this father’s response to anything and everything. Passive father: Mainstream culture refers to this father as the “1950s, Ozzie Nelson, Leave It to Beaver, Father Knows Best” type. He is stable, consistent, hard-working, calm and reserved. He would never contemplate or engage in any type of self-destructive behavior toward his son, family or self. What is missing is a strong emotional connection between father and son. While they don’t fight or have any animosity between them, they also lack energy, understanding and willingness to display love toward and support for one another. Absent father: The “absent” style of fathering can be literal (a deadbeat dad who abandons his son) or figurative (emotionally or intellectually absent). All types of absent fathering lead to the son’s profound sadness and anger. The natural, psychological response to a loss is fear, pain, and then anger to cover up the wound. Compassionate/mentor: As the name implies, this style combines emotional intelligence with a wise teacher approach. Sons feel that their dads are making them their No. 1 priority, and fathers are willing to do whatever it takes to raise their sons properly. This style of fathering involves providing an emotional safe harbor in which the toddler, pre-teen and young man feels he can take chances, fail and still be surrounded by his father’s love. “Fathering is a ‘calling’ and not a part-time job or something that can be approached casually and effortlessly,” Poulter, a clinical psychologist practicing in West Los Angeles, writes in his introduction to “Father Your Son.” “Fathering requires everything a man can give to his son.” |
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