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"With 77 percent of women with children working, they find it difficult to juggle a job, a husband and more than one child. More and more, it's a conscious choice." - Susan Newman, author of "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only" The conscious choice to create a family of three - mother, father and one child - is gaining in popularity as the ever-changing family unit continues to evolve. Large families of just a few generations ago were whittled down to nuclear families (two parents with two offspring) during the 1960s and early '70s. The trend to "downsize" even further continues as more and more couples opt for raising just one child. According to Susan Newman, author of "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only," the single-child family is the fastest-growing family unit in America today. While there were roughly 8 to 9 million "only" children in the early '70s, that number is now close to 20 million. Many factors have influenced the "only child" phenomenon. Economic concerns, led by the rising cost of a college education, have given parents pause. Baby Boomers, known for their materialism, have forced a redistribution of family income and resources, leaving less money to support a big family. With the divorce rate running at more than 50 percent, marriages are shorter in duration, resulting in less time to have multiple children. Also, women are waiting longer to marry and have children in the first place, leaving fewer childbearing years. The result is an increasing number of children being raised without siblings. "It's a trend that's been going on since the '70s," explains Newman. She theorizes that the super mom syndrome has also impacted family size. "With 77 percent of women with children working, they find it difficult to juggle a job, a husband and more than one child. More and more, it's a conscious choice." Lori Hellinger is the mother of Rachel, age 5, an only child. "I had only one because I had her later in life," the Fountain Valley mother explains. "I think, had I been younger, I would have had one more." But concerns over who would care for her child while she worked (Hellinger's extended family doesn't live nearby) prompted the decision that one was enough. She is not alone. Upon advertising her support group for parents with single children, she received more than 90 phone calls from Orange County moms who wanted to get involved. "You want your child to learn to share and have good social skills," she says. "I started reaching out to other parents and tried to find others who had just one child." Myths: lonely, spoiled, self-centered Just what is life like for a single child? Commonly referred to as "onlies," these children enjoy the benefits of undivided attention and the full resources of their parents. They must, however, also deal with the nagging stigma associated with being an only child. The stereotype of a spoiled, self-absorbed and antisocial child still exists, though with the increasing numbers of "onlies," it is slowly being dispelled. "The research has dramatically indicated that none of that is true," Newman says. "In fact, it's thought that only children have an edge academically." They have more parental time, more input, and more exposure to the world. They have a greater opportunity for more lessons, travel and tutoring - all things that stimulate a child intellectually. Hellinger believes Rachel is a bit ahead of the game developmentally. "She's possibly more mature. She spoke early; I never pushed those things, but I noticed." She admits reading often to her daughter - a benefit of working at a library - and she believes the financial advantage of having one child has allowed her to put Rachel into more activities. Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology and sociology at the University of Texas at Austin, agrees with Newman's assessment that only children are no different from those with siblings. Known for her extensive research on single children, having studied reports on the subject dating back to the 1920s, she says, "The social stereotype is that only children are lonely and maladjusted. However, the research on this suggests that only children don't live up to that stereotype. They aren't any more lonely and maladjusted than other people." She notes that "onlies" aren't any better than other people, and quickly adds, "but they aren't any worse." The socialization issue Hellinger says her daughter is extremely social. "Rachael is very outgoing and loves people and other kids. I've always taught her to reach out as well, to say, 'Hello, my name is Rachel.'" In fact, Hellinger recalls one example of her outgoing nature. "We were standing in line at Disneyland and she started introducing herself to others! They looked at us a little funny and I felt THEY didn't have social skills!" Hellinger is on the right track, according to Newman. "It's the parenting style, not the number of siblings you have that directs and influences the outcome of your child." In fact, Newman says, "You can find a selfish and spoiled child in families with three and four children." Falbo points out, "We are all social animals and we want - most of us want - to interact with age mates. So when children go to day care, to preschool, they're interacting with other kids." It's not necessary, Falbo believes, that they be siblings. Hellinger takes Rachel to the park and enrolls her in classes such as ballet at the community center. As a result, she feels Rachel is not lacking interaction. Not a selfish choice "Parents are much more savvy than they were 30 years ago," Newman says. "They make decisions based on more knowledge than in previous decades." She adds, "People are realizing that they can still be president of the PTO or coach the soccer team if you have only one child. You're not in any way imperfect or diminished." Hellinger is a perfect example. "I can give her more one-on-one attention and I can help in her classroom. If I had two or three kids, it would be a lot more difficult. I can lavish more time at bedtime, not juggling two or three kids at meal time and bath time." The increasing number of families raising just one has enabled parents to be more comfortable with their decision, even though they still face questions. Curious friends and relatives often ask when the single child is going to have a little brother or sister. "I run into that sometimes," Hellinger says, "but not as much as some parents." Newman advises parents to make a decision on family size based on their own needs. "The nagging in-laws aren't going to be up walking around with the colicky baby. It's not a selfish choice to have one." Clearly, parents are more confident in their decision, as their growing numbers indicate. Barbara Down, a demographer for the U.S. Census, confirms the reduction in the size of the American family. "Over the last 30 years, families with five or more children have decreased from 20 percent to just 4 percent. The big family is not as popular anymore." She also points to the U.S. Census 2002 Fertility of American Women report, indicating that since 1976 the number of women bearing one child has increased significantly, compared to women having three or more children, which has decreased dramatically. Raising an "only" While they are dispelling the stereotype of the single, spoiled child, it is not without effort. Creating opportunities for their "onlies" to learn to share and socialize is one thing, but how they are treated at home is just as important. Newman advises parents to "think big," suggesting that they treat their only child in the same manner they would if they had other children. "Think as if you had four children in your house. Would you pick up the dirty laundry for all four? No. Would you make four different dinners? No." She recommends, "When your child is pushing you, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I be doing this if I had a houseful of children?'" Newman also advises parents to lower their expectations for the single child. "An only child knows she is the only one bringing home a report card, the only one on the soccer team - and that's pressure in itself." Don't make your child nervous, Newman says, because your expectations are too high. Falbo adds that parents should avoid being overbearing. "I think most parents of only children are aware that overprotection or overindulgence doesn't work unless you want your life to be miserable. You have to set limits." Onlies as adults What about the long-term effects of being raised as an "only?" Newman expresses concern over the adult life of the single child who may have to care for aging parents alone. She suggests helping build a strong support system with good friends and relatives who can help. Falbo says the studies she's reviewed show that "...folks who grow up as only children turn out like everyone else. They stay married as long. They get divorced at the same rate. You can't say they are defective in terms of their skills at developing relationships." And how many children will sole children have? "I would recommend she have more than one," Hellinger says of Rachel. "But, she's going to have to make her own decision." Only Child Group information: 949.795.2943. Kimberly A. Porrazzo is a senior writer for Churm Publishing, Inc. and author of "The Nanny Kit." She lives in Lake Forest with her husband and two teenage sons. The award-winning columnist writes Mother Knows each month. She can be reached at: kimberlyporrazzo@cox.net. |
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