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Stepping onto a new campus filled with strange faces is the stuff that fuels childhood nightmares. Internet discussion boards are littered with messages from kids searching for tips on how to fit in with their new classmates. School nurses get frequent visits from youngsters complaining of stomachaches or other vague ailments that prevent them from facing the lunchtime schoolyard. Still, thousands of students successfully settle into new schools every year. The good news for these troubled newcomers is they have allies: Parents and schools can do a lot to help make that "new kid on campus" transition smooth and even easy. "School is the main occupation for kids," says Dr. Jeffrey Derflinger, a clinical psychologist in Orange who specializes in working with children and adolescents. "It's something that takes up most of their time during their waking hours. It can be extremely stressful moving to a new school, especially in the middle of the year. It's a big wallop for them." Whether children are changing schools after a family move or entering a new school as they grow older, the pressures of change and facing the unknown are often heavy. The biggest key to their success is preparation - talking about their fears and expectations, visiting the school in advance, meeting a few classmates and their teacher or an administrator before the first day. "Any anticipation of what it's going to be like and preparation for that can turn a potentially triggering stressor into more of a blip on the screen in transition of life," says Derflinger. Many Southern California districts have launched preparation and transition programs for students matriculating up to middle and high schools. And as campus bullying has gained more attention in recent years, schools are pairing older students with newcomers to help introduce them into campus life and social circles. Having a first-day friend on campus can ease jitters and instill confidence. Check to see if your child's school offers a program that pairs them with a peer. Some of these programs are scheduled around the start of fall classes while others are open to new students year-round. Having someone to answer questions or eat lunch with on the first day makes all the difference, says Dottie Reichard, health educator and school nurse for the Corona-Norco Unified School District. Several schools there have adopted programs in which trained students are paired with newcomers to show them around and provide a friendly face. "Especially on a campus with 3,600 kids, it's like going to college the first day," she says. "Maybe you can't find your schedule or your classroom. The peer pressures are great." Regardless of the school's offerings, you also can help your child make friends before stepping foot on campus. Ask your child if she wants to join a community sports program, a local scouts troop, or a church or community group. If you're moving to a new city within driving distance, consider joining a group early so your child can start making friends before your move date. Once you arrive, host a neighborhood barbecue to get acquainted with your new neighbors and their children. Making new friends as a family can help ease the pressure on your child. "They can all go through the anxiety of meeting new people together and the parents can really be there and help foster the child's new relationships and sorting out which friends would be good to have," Derflinger says. Parents also should take the opportunity of a move or new school to share their own feelings and past experiences. However, Derflinger cautions to choose your stories carefully - sharing scary encounters can only feed your child's fears. Emphasizing long-term goals and personal interests also helps bring perspective to transitions, says Debbie Morgan, director of College Guidance Services for Capistrano Unified School District. "If you want to be a veterinarian while you're at Niguel Hills Middle School and you move to Aliso Viejo, you can still do that," she says. "Students need to find a way to actively use their education outside of classroom, to take the things they're learning and plug into organizations or clubs. So maybe when you go to a new school, you plug into areas that inspire your interest. You can still be who you are in a new setting, you just have to find ways to do that." But, let's face it, fitting into a new school doesn't always happen overnight. Derflinger suggests keeping an especially close eye on your child's behavior when he starts a new school. The symptoms to watch for are typical of a struggling child: withdrawal, not playing or socializing with other children, not making new friends, a change in academic performance (usually a decline). "These are big signs the transition isn't going well," he says. At dinnertime or when driving home from school, try to engage in a conversation about how your child's day went. Instead of asking direct questions, be open to listening without giving a lot of advice or feedback initially. If the child is still reticent, then try talking when you're engaged in an activity, such as cooking dinner or making cookies. "They're sometimes more willing to talk about things that scare them a little more when they're distracted," he says. If you have an adolescent who's trying hard to become autonomous, enlist the help of a trusted adult, such as a grandparent, favorite aunt or uncle, or family friend. Morgan, from Capistrano, adds that children should be encouraged to take advantage of the resources available to them. Parents can help, but children should also be responsible for their own transition. "When you go into a new situation there is usually - and especially in public schools - a kind of red carpet laid out for kids with all these programs and services lining this carpet," she says. "It's incumbent on them to take advantage of what's being offered. Sometimes kids have to learn to step up and take that risk on their own. There's not always going to be someone to take your hand and walk you down that carpet." To help empower children, remind them of other moments when they have succeeded. A child's previous honors or awards can play an important role during tough transitions. Morgan recommends that before children leave a school, they get a letters of recommendation from someone who knew them well. This not only reinforces their successes, but helps them develop references when they start a new school and want to get involved in clubs or special classes, such as yearbook. "Those are reminders during lonely times that we made a difference someplace to somebody," she says. "And those are going to keep coming as time moves along. It sort of gives you encouragement." Jennifer Leuer of Yorba Linda is an education reporter. To reach her: leuer.ramus@sbcglobal.net. CAMPUS TIPS Here are ways to prepare your child for a move to a new school, whether he is entering a campus with the same school district, or enrolled because of a family move: • Visit the school with your child before the first day. By the end of summer vacation, teachers and staff are often at school. Find your child's classroom, the lunch area and the nurse's office. Ask your child if there is any other location he wants to find. • Try to meet the teacher and principal during your visit. For younger children, it's also a good idea to meet a lunchtime aide or janitor who can be a comforting presence during play times. Many schools plan a back-to-school or welcome day to allow families a chance to explore their new school. • Have a barbecue or block party so your entire family can meet new friends at the same time and support each other. • Encourage your child to invite friends for sleepovers or play dates. • Find another child in the neighborhood with whom your child can walk to school or ride with on the bus. • Summertime moves are the best because they allow your child to make friends before school starts. Make an effort to reach out to neighbors, co-workers with families or students at registration day. Even before you move, you can check out community activities such as sports programs, swimming lessons and scouting. This can give your child a head start on finding peers who can be friendly faces during their first few days on campus. • Many schools now have websites with parent information and community links, which can help you find resources for your child. • Once your child starts school, encourage him to pursue his interests either with an on-campus organization, such as a church youth group or volunteer opportunity. • Share your childhood new-school memories. Explain how you eventually got over nervousness and made new friends. • Read a book together about scary new situations. • If you've moved neighborhoods, tell your child how you're feeling. Talk about how you're coping and adjusting, how you plan to make new friends and any fears that you believe they share. • Succeeding in school or sports can help boost a child's self-confidence. ® Consider hiring a tutor or sports pro to help them hone their skills. • Always lay out clothes and prepare backpacks the night before a school day to eliminate rushing. Ask your child to help prepare a lunch and select an outfit. • Allow extra time on the first day of school for you and your child to be together before they leave for school. ® Be upbeat and happy. Consider scheduling a special dinner or afternoon activity that they can look forward to. • Send your child off with a confident smile and a warm hug. Save time after school to say, "Tell me about your day." - Compiled by Jennifer Leuer |
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