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Early Years (2-6)

Saying goodbye How to talk to your toddler about death By Michelle SlieffPublished: July, 2009

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Grieving alone is never easy, and children should never have to deal with the feelings on their own. Talking to your toddler about death can help you both understand the emotions that come with such a tragedy.     How the subject is broached with a child should be based on the individual and not his age. All children are different and should be treated that way, according to Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute and co-author of “The Grief Recovery Handbook” and “When Children Grieve.”      “The uniqueness of each child determines the method for communication,” explains Friedman. “A 2-year-old will respond differently than a 5-year-old, and not all 5-year-olds respond the same.”     The biggest issue in talking about death is that children don’t understand the concept of permanence.     “For example, you can tell your child that you’ve lost someone and that they are dead and never coming back, but when you drive home from the funeral and that person’s car is still in the driveway, the child assumes that they are back,” says Friedman.     Situations like this can be difficult, but be sure to tell them the truth without scaring them. And avoid euphemisms, since children take things literally.     “If you tell a child that Grandma died because she was sick, they then think if they get sick they will die. Or if you tell them that Grandpa died in his sleep, the child will then most likely equate sleep with death and have trouble sleeping at night,” says Friedman. “Problems like that can last for months or years.”     Don’t be afraid of the “D-word” when speaking to your children about your faith in relation to death.     “If you say that Daddy is in a better place, that he went to heaven, then your kids may want to go there,” says Friedman. “In some extreme cases, it’s been known that children will commit suicide to get to that ‘better place.’”     According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 1.5 million children are living in single-family households because of the death of one parent. So be gentle and recognize what would work best for your child’s individual needs. Demonstrate your emotions of grief, and let him know its okay to cry and express himself. It’s normal to feel sad and upset, and the best thing you can do for you and your child is to be able to express that.     Take your children on walks, and use nature and life to better explain what death is.     “If you see a dead bird, use that as an opportunity to let them connect with the idea that it can no longer breathe or talk or eat,” says Friedman.     Look at the bird and say that this is what death looks like, and talk about your feelings and how it would feel if that were Grandma or Daddy. Don’t modify your words, and be patient. Recognize that they won’t understand right away, and that they tend to parrot words. It can appear as if they get it, but often they are mimicking the parent’s reactions.     Dr. Robert Puff, a child psychologist located in Newport Beach, says to avoid lying to your kids, and share your beliefs with them to help get them through the grieving process.     “Let the kids talk, and let them share how they feel. Kids will tell you a lot if you just listen,” says Puff. “Encourage conversation by asking them questions about their feelings. Try not to direct the conversation, and let them feel comfortable with talking about their feelings.     “Talk about all the memories you have of that person, and show them gifts that have been given from them,” says Puff. “Don’t bury them in the grave; let them live on.”     Puff believes in after-death communication and suggests being open to listening to your children talk about this.     “One out of four people get a ‘visit,’” he says. “Be open to your child coming up to you and telling you they just saw Grandma or Daddy in a dream. Don’t discount that.”     When dealing with the loss of a parent as a child, trauma can occur with regression in conjunction with guilt.     “Children are very egocentric,” Puff says. “When bad things occur, they automatically assume it’s their fault. Explain to them it’s not true. Be sure not to plant the seed, though. Only discuss this if they mention it.”     Most often when death occurs in a family, children are detached from the situation. Sometimes therapy can help them express themselves and work through these times.     Julio Merlan, a licensed clinical social worker located in Yucca Valley, has helped children get through the grieving process.     “Usually we have play therapy, where I get dolls out that represent their family figures and ask them to go through the scenario,” says Merlan. “I ask them questions like: ‘How do you feel?’ And together we process their emotions.”     Each child is different, so cater to your child’s specific needs and figure out a method suited best to process the information. Answer questions honestly, and admit when you may not have the answer.     “Be honest and be sure to let them know how you’re feeling and that it’s okay,” says Merlan. “Know their limits.”     Adapting to loss and working through grief is important for children. Therefore, it is important for parents to recognize these needs and help provide access to any resources beneficial during these times. Michelle Slieff is an intern for OC Family magazine. 'What's Heaven?' When journalist Maria Shriver had to deal with the death of her famous grandmother, Rose Kennedy, so did Shriver’s children.     Through this, Shriver wrote a children’s book, “What’s Heaven?” (St. Martin’s Press, 1999), to help children cope with death and understand the concepts of spirit and heaven.     Shriver was raised as a Catholic, and through this she delivers a traditional, easy-to-understand definition of heaven by responding to questions asked by a young girl named Kate who sees a change in her mother after a death in the family.     Questions like, “What’s heaven?” “Why are we going to bury Great-grandma in a box?” and “If heaven’s in the sky, then how come I can’t see it?” are addressed.     Shriver describes heaven in nondenominational terms with an emphasis on angels instead of God, and she leaves plenty of room for other ideological views, explaining that some people have different types of faith.

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very informative

Comment at 5/17/2010

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