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Early Years (2-6)
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 What can a parent do to prevent this unexpected storm of distress? Usually tantrums happen due to a child not getting what he or she wants. The result is the child becoming overwhelmed with emotions that follow the unsatisfactory behavior. If only there was a magic word to automatically calm a child down. And candy may be a quick fix, but it can create a tornado of hyperactivity (not to mention rewarding negative behavior – a serious infraction). As a parent, you want to put your foot down and be a consistent disciplinarian, but at times it may feel impossible to handle these exhausting, embarrassing episodes. Every parent endures this maelstrom; so don’t let it get you down. Instead, use the opportunity to learn, teach and reiterate. Karen Child Ogden (yes, her middle name is “child,” so perhaps her destiny was preordained) is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Costa Mesa and a contributor to the book series “Temptation of a Generation.” She has acquired first-hand experience as the mother of two boys, 2 and 4, and a baby on the way. “The terrible twos can extend to the third and fourth year of life when kids are testing their limits and boundaries,” says Ogden. “There is a lesson for both parents and children in tantrums. ... Children are learning their boundaries, and parents are forced to create and enforce them.” When parents ask, “How is my child, once so quiet and courteous, now such a menace?” They need to understand that their child is going through a phase. In order to surpass it, parents must build a strong foundation from which children can imitate.  Survival tipsHere’s the scenario: Little Amy doesn’t want to eat her peas while the family is eating dinner out, and if she doesn’t eat them, she won’t get dessert. She attempts to win her parents over with her puppy dog eyes and pouting lip. It doesn’t work. She gets upset and starts to flail her arms, then dashes to the floor and rolls around screaming a deadly “no” that bounces off the walls of the restaurant. What is a parent to do? We’ve seen the cool parents who ignore the child and think she’ll give up. And we’ve seen the upset parents who have a fit of their own. As Ogden states, there are peaceful ways of dealing with these types of situations. “Be considerate of the diners around you and calmly remove the child from the table and dining area,” Ogden says. “Explain to the child that if he screams during dinner, it upsets people around them, and, most importantly, he doesn’t get to be with his family or friends. Give up on the peas (we’ve got to pick our battles, and a restaurant isn’t the place to battle) and offer him another healthy choice.” Even though parents are sometimes urged to ignore their child in these types of situations, if it is affecting innocent bystanders, you have to make a move – and fast. Ogden recommends therapist John Gottman’s books and videos, titled “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.” “Teaching social skills will not only improve their manners, it will prepare them for healthy adult relationships,” she says. Teach etiquette We all know the common phrase, “leading by example.” Proper etiquette needs to be practiced and emphasized by parents, and observed by children. It may be a huge role to undertake, yet it’s really the only way to educate your child on manners. “Remember that children are born with no knowledge of what is expected of them,” Ogden says. “They will most likely absorb what you are trying to teach them through positive reinforcement.” Reward children for good behavior. Over time, they should become well behaved if they are acknowledged for it and given kind words. Dr. Michelle Matusoff, a Newport Beach-based clinical psychologist specializing in psychological and psycho-educational testing for children, also shares personal experience with the terrible twos, as the mother of a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. “You are shaping your child’s future behavior,” Matusoff says. “Research has shown that giving in to them just once can undo weeks of good training.” Also, don’t forget that you and a million other parents are also experiencing the same phase your child is going through. You may think that crowd of people drawn into your screaming child’s fit are shaking their heads in disgust, but they’re really shaking their heads and thinking, “I’m with you.” “If you’re in public, remember that anyone around who is a parent has been there,” Matusoff says. “And, chances are you will never see them again. Your child, on the other hand, will be there throughout many more excursions!” Always remember that your children watch your every move and idolize you. Everything you do, they want to do. Everything you say, they will say. To make your child a leader, you must lead them first. And just like the saying “treat people as you would like to be treated,” act as you want your child to act. It will take time. It will take patience. But, in the end, those terrible twos can become the “terrific threes.” Ashley Eliot is an editorial assistant for OC Family magazine. •> Hang in there, Mom Tame that tantrum Here are a few suggestions to deal with an out-of-control child: > Learn to react calmly and rationally, without losing control of your emotions. > Be consistent with your responses. Your child will more readily accept your words if they’re repeated. > Set clear limits. For example, take away his toys if he throws them, or carry him across the street if he refuses to hold your hand while crossing. > Have a handy response prepared in the event of a tantrum: “You can cross the street on your own, or you can be carried.” > Allow some measure of independence to reinforce good behavior. For example, let him hold his spoon when eating or hold the garden hose to water the lawn. > If you’re single, consider joining a support group. > You’ve earned a break. On weekends and evenings, take a bubble bath, journal in your diary, call a trusted friend – anything to ease the stress of dealing with your little angel. Source: iVillage |
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