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Early Years (2-6)
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 As difficult as it may be to watch your child’s eyes well up with tears every time you try to leave, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, this type of behavior is actually an important developmental milestone. In fact, for most children these reactions begin at around 8 months of age and can extend anywhere from 18 to 24 months. Child psychologist and Chapman University assistant professor of psychology Dr. David Pincus says, “It is completely normal for 1- and 2-year-olds to react every time their parents leave. You actually may have more of a problem if you don’t see a reaction.” With this in mind, however, how as a parent should you handle the situation, and when is it time to seek professional help? First and foremost, it is important to remember that every child is unique and forced to cope with an array of emotions depending on his or her situation. “Some people in general are just more reactive emotionally and slower to warm to new situations,” Pincus says. “Approximately one in 100 kids need to be formally treated for separation anxiety disorder.” For some kids, however, formal treatment is encouraged due to a severe or stressful event in their life. For example, the loss of a parent, a serious accident, relationship difficulties between parents or a big move may all contribute to a child’s difficulty with separating from a primary caretaker. On the other hand, some children may be in need of a formal diagnosis if their fears lead them to manifest physical symptoms.  “The physical manifestations of separation anxiety disorder are most often expressed as stomachaches,” says Dr. Thomas Mohr, pediatrician and president of the Temecula-based clinic Pediatric Partners. “A provider needs to be careful, though, because this is the most common complaint in childhood. Stomachaches in relation to school avoidance (in older children) and emotional response to separation help establish the diagnosis.”Pincus explains that regardless of whether the symptoms are physical or emotional, if parents are at all concerned it is important to get an assessment by a professional. “If the problem is caught and treated early, the less likely it is to follow them into adulthood and morph into problems like adult panic disorder,” says Pincus. “We are wired to have strong anxiety responses, and for those with adult panic disorder this means coping with panic attacks.” Katherine Knight, local parent coach and founder of the Strong Families coaching company, says, “Lots of parents struggle with a child with separation anxiety and are too ashamed to reach out for help. Sometimes in order to solve a problem in the child, they first need to solve it within themselves.” Knight recommends beginning with an open dialogue between parents and caretakers to set healthy expectations for the child. “Some parents may just have a child they aren’t comfortable with leaving until they get a few years older,” Knight says. “And if that’s the case, the parent has to be committed to staying home with him or her for a certain length of time.” Parents need to remember that if their child cries, it doesn’t make them bad parents. They have not failed their child, and constantly blaming themselves will only make matters worse. Try setting goals for yourself and your child that are both structured and reasonable. Rewarded successes, and it will help both parties understand how to better regulate their emotions. In order to combat these problems early on, Knight recommends playing peek-a-boo as a way to help the child understand that even if they can’t see mom or dad, they’re still there. Graduate from peek-a-boo, by “leaving the child alone in another room for a few minutes at a time. This simulates what occurs when you leave, but also helps reaffirm that you will eventually come back,” says Knight. Another way to prepare them is to help them learn how to self-soothe with a special stuffed animal, blanket or picture that stays with them at all times. Teach them to mimic healthy breathing patterns, and as they get older encourage journaling as a healthy way to physically and emotionally let go of their fears. Most importantly, Knight encourages parents to investigate the person and place they are trying to leave their child with. Perhaps they had a bad experience there, and that’s the reason for their sudden anxieties about letting go. “The parents who invest in the child during the first five years of their life will reap the benefits of it the rest of their lives,” Knight says. The more that childcare acts as an extension of the home, with a caretaker who is able to build a healthy bond with the child, the more likely it is he or she with successfully overcome the symptoms and stages of separation anxiety disorder. GOODBYE FOR NOW: DO'S & DONT'S Do: Make your goodbyes brief. You’ll be back before he even notices you’re gone. Don’t: Hang around to see if he stops crying. Do: Give him a special object such as a blanket or stuffed animal that will encourage him to relax. Don’t: Bribe him into behaving. Rather, address his feelings accordingly. Do: Practice techniques like peek-a-boo to reaffirm that even though your child can’t see you, you are still there. Don’t: Blame yourself if the problem doesn’t immediately go away. Like everything else, this, too, takes work. Do: Openly discuss any apprehensions with a spouse or teacher. Don’t: Be afraid to seek professional help. It’s much better to be cautious than to ignore what could become a potentially major problem. Do: Believe in your child’s ability to grow and change. Don’t: Forget that the symptoms of separation anxiety are normal and are a sign of a strong loving bond between parent and child. Source: iVillage Jena Vuylsteke is an intern for OC Family magazine. |
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