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Early Years
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I remember when that cute little baby of yours would willingly snuggle into just about anyone's arms? You could drop him off with Grandma and run an errand, or even leave him at day care without an outpouring of tears. Now you can't pass him off to anybody - even those he knows well - and he won't let you out of his sight. Don't worry, he' not going to spend the rest of his life attached to your side. He's simply entering a normal stage of cognitive development commonly referred to as "stranger anxiety." "Every child goes through a phase of stranger wariness beginning at around 7 months of age," says Allison Clarke-Stewart, professor of psychology and social behavior at UC Irvine. "The baby is simply registering, 'I'm not sure what will happen.' It's not an all-out fear." Normal signs of stranger anxiety in infants include frowning, looking away, burrowing into Mommy's shoulder and even crying. Simply put, your baby is discovering that people are all different. He may suddenly be fearful not only of people he doesn't recognize, but those who have characteristics uncommon to his primary caregiver - a beard, glasses or long hair for example. As your baby struggles with this newfound sense of unfamiliarity, he may not only act fretful around new faces, but those he knows well, too. Even Daddy. Look on the bright side - stranger anxiety is an undeniable indicator that your baby has developed a strong attachment to you, and even though it can be difficult at times, this phase usually only lasts until about 1 year of age. So what can you do to help your child get through this stage? "Make sure your baby has frequent interactions with grandparents, neighbors and other adults in varied settings," suggests Clarke-Stewart. It won't hurt to remind these adults that talking in calm voices, not rushing to pick up baby, and waiting for baby to accept them also will help make these "interactions" more successful. Spending more time with baby as you drop him off with a caregiver, rather than leaving abruptly will help alleviate his stranger anxiety. "Interact with both the baby and the 'stranger,' gradually letting baby go it alone with the new person," says Clarke-Stewart. "It takes time for a baby to get to know someone, just as it does for adults." The next stage: separation anxiety Of course, stranger anxiety is only the first developmental stage your baby will pass through on his way to becoming an independent person. The next stage is commonly referred to as separation anxiety and usually occurs around 1 year of age. With separation anxiety, the child is not necessarily wary of strangers, just the realization that you're leaving. As when dealing with stranger anxiety, take the time to prepare your toddler for new experiences by talking about them ahead of time. And when the babysitter shows up, have a book or a game at hand that she can use to engage their attention while you quickly say goodbye and leave. Don't prolong your exit, recommends an American Academy of Pediatrics' public service message about children's fears. Also, give the babysitter instructions out of earshot of your child. Most children overcome separation anxiety by 18 months. Real-life stranger danger Some children always remain cautious and close to their parents in preschool, kindergarten and beyond, while others seem to outgrow stranger and separation anxieties without a look back. Unfortunately, strangers represent a real danger to young children today. But when is the right age to talk to them about stranger danger without deflating their confidence and instilling fear? "Parents need to talk openly to their kids about strangers," says Sgt. Roger Neumeister of the Orange County Sheriffs Juvenile Bureau. "I wouldn't say there's a lower limit when it comes to age, but around 4 to 5 is a good time to start bringing it up - when they go to kindergarten or even preschool. Just make sure that what you say is age-appropriate and maturity-appropriate." Neumeister recommends using concise language to explain strangers to your youngster. Something as simple as "a stranger is anyone you don't know" should be clear enough. Follow up with simple "rules" such as the same ones you heard from your parents: Don't go anywhere with someone you don't know, don't get in anyone's car, etc... "And most importantly," says Neumeister, "assure your child that it's OK to run away from someone they don't know or feel uncomfortable around. It's better to be safe than sorry." In his book, "Protecting the Gift," violent behavior expert Gavin de Becker offers a few other tips for parents of small children. Rather than teaching your child not to talk to strangers, he recommends teaching your child how to select and approach a stranger who may be able to help them in a time of need. For example, the next time you're at the park, you could ask your child to approach another nearby mother (while you're watching) and ask her the time. Afterward, discuss why they chose that specific person and if they felt comfortable asking them a question. Of course, not all 5-year-olds may be ready for this exercise, but de Becker advises that children who know how to approach a stranger for help are less likely to become a victim than those who wait for someone to help them. By teaching your child to look for a woman, rather than someone in a uniform, (policemen are easily confused with other uniformed personnel), store manager (hard to determine for a 5-year-old) or someone else in authority, children are more likely to find someone quickly who will commit to helping them, writes de Becker. The best scenario for avoiding stranger danger is keeping your eyes on your child at all times, says Neumeister. If you do get separated and can't find him, begin the search immediately. Michele Piazzoni is a freelance writer and mother of three living in Folsom. She is a regular contributor to The Early Years and, in the Family News section, Getting Started...To reach her: mpiazzoni@hotmail.com. |
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