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During last July’s 5.8 earthquake, 3-year-old Bronwyn told her 1-year-old sister, “We’re going for a wiggle.” READ MORE
Early Years (2-6)
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When gender roles come rumbling into play Sometimes parenting feels like a kind of test – not pass/fail, not multiple choice, not short essay – but the kind that grows along with your child. Alifelong exam. You, the test-taker, often don’t even know when you’re being tested until that moment when you realize that you’ve passed a portion. Hurrah! The little one has demonstrated competency in sophisticated sharing and patience on the playground. Your parenting achievement is duly noted. “A” or “satisfactory.” Or, regrettably, you fail and yes, you will have to repeat that section of Parenting 101. I felt that way when, during a heated bout of pirate play, my son announced that the only play roles mommies or little girls could accomplish on the high seas – there in our back yard – were those of wenches. These are females largely good for adjusting pirate eye patches and keeping the scallywags well fed with pretzels and juice boxes, but unlikely to hoist the Jolly Roger, join in the swordplay or snarl “Aargh, matey.” I disagreed, asserting that girls could indeed plunder and pillage. But my son, Captain Louis Two Eyes, insisted. Rebellious feminist wench that I am, I narrowly escaped walking the plank that afternoon. I remained below deck, trying to figure out how a son of mine could embrace such a stereotype. Of course, there’s a big difference between play preferences and a larger, more influential understanding of the world and its possibilities for grown girls and adult boys – but yet I see that these attitudes permeate. How, indeed, do our children learn gender roles? What roles do we ourselves play in perpetuating or perhaps consciously challenging those attitudes that may limit or, better, expand our children’s horizons? Most studies acknowledge that our society, which struggles still with problematic stereotypes and prejudice aplenty, teaches children to adopt what are often fairly unimaginative gender roles. Those roles are reinforced by peers and popular culture, grandparents, strangers and school pals. However, the strongest influence remains parents who pass on, consciously and unconsciously, their own attitudes about gender. So what, if anything, had I done to perpetuate the women-as-wenches worldview? What had I done to challenge it? And while it finally may notmatter as it concerns pirates, buccaneers, and the play literature of a 4-year-old, would it make a difference later, when my grown-up pirate might underestimate some perfectly wonderful girl or young woman? There’s our make-believe world. And there’s reality: Our local volunteer firehouse includes strong women. I am chairwoman of my academic department at school. My son’s father more than shares childcare and cooking, does most of the cleaning, and stays home with our boy more than do I. Our friend’s 8-year-old daughter has recently qualified for the Junior Olympics in Taekwondo. Not to mention the history of women pirates, including Anne Bonney, who co-captained a ship, and Mary Read, who served with her. Of course, employment discrimination against women as pirates was not an isolated instance. Dinner table conversation recently included an assessment of royalty, with my kid opining positively about kings, queens and princes but scornful of princesses “because they are just dressed-up girls.” His mother is generally scornful of princesses for reasons of democracy and monarchal privilege, but she shuddered at the girlie stereotype. After all, wasn’t there a boy at his school who dresses up as a princess, and another who routinely arrives sporting twinkling jewels and his sister’s spangly sandals? My short review of local firefighters, college professors, real-life lady pirates, stay-at-home dads, fierce girls with black belts and boys in gowns all seemed to help, but it still felt to me like that joke about who you’re going to believe, dominant cultural values or your own eyes? It made me want to holler “aargh,” which I did, thank you, but also to begin preparing for the next, ongoing, parenting test. Gender roles create some kind of weird pressure. Boys and girls who fail to live up to expectations can suffer emotional and even physical abuse from peers as well as adults. We remember this as former boys and girls, wincing still perhaps at the pain we caused or received. Still, the world has changed since my childhood. Thank you Title IX. Thank you first ladies: first firefighters, first police officers, first doctors, first astronauts, first ladies in traditional male occupations everywhere. You know who you are and were. And thanks to those fellas who went where only women had been before: those traditional nurturing professions, and showed that men could care too. Our world is better for both.m Lisa Alvarez is a regular contributor. For Letters: ocfamily.com and click on Feedback. |
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