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Early Years (2-6)

Are you a helicopter parent? Quit hovering and come in for a landing By LISA ALVAREZPublished: January, 2008

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My friend looks at her teenaged son and confides that she and her husband made some mistakes. I see an accomplished, young man who’s already won recognition for his musical ability. But I am, of course, not his parent, who must ensure that he accomplishes more than weekly piano lessons and the composition of string quartets. Mercifully, I’m not the parent who must also oversee the mundane: biology homework, and the timely completion of an analysis of “Pride and Prejudice.” My friend also has a younger boy, a bit older than my own 5-year-old and, she declares, they won’t be making the same mistakes with him.   I listen, mildy horrified, because I want to learn. My veteran parent-pal invokes an unfamiliar term – “helicopter parents” – to describe herself, her husband. Helicoptering, she explains, is especially common among parents of firstborns, especially those firstborns who remain only children. She shoots me a knowing look. Does she see me with a helmet, blades chopping above? Allow me to explain   As defined in Wikipedia...“A helicopter parent is a person who pays extremely close attention to his or her child or children, particularly at educational institutions. They rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children’s wishes. They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not.”   And their fiercer counterparts are the so-called “Black Hawk” parents. A term that has been coined for “those who cross the line from a mere excess of zeal to unethical behavior, such as writing their kid’s college-admission essays.”   This rescue behavior is a natural parental reaction, but chopper parents take it to extremes. Their kids often lack necessary independence to negotiate the world and thrive without mom and dad. Because helicopter parents have intervened in small and big ways – on the playground, in  the classroom, on the playing field – their growing/grown children often lack the skills to defend and advocate on their own.   Technological advances have only increased the ability of emotional whirlybird parents to monitor and intervene on behalf of their offspring, to show up while their kid is flailing and drop a nifty rope ladder just in time. The tools to enable such everyday dependency: cell phones and email, and variations of both.   Of course, we’re not talking actual life-and- death rescue here. Do jump into the surf and administer CPR – but think twice before wading into conflicts between teacher and student, coach and athlete, child and child. Encourage, instead, independent negotiation.   “Watch this,” says my friend, motioning to our 2 young sons playing together. It’s the Middle Ages, knights and horses, maidens with pointy fairytale hats. The 2 boys are constructing a pre-fab castle with towers, turrets and a drawbridge. It’s obvious as the walls go up that there’s not enough room on the floor for the castle.   My impulse is to rearrange the furniture, but my wise friend restrains me. Later, when conflict arises, the maternal mediator in me wants to intervene. Again, I am restrained.   “Let them figure it out,” she says. “We don’t have to do everything for them. We don’t have to solve everything for them. When we do, they lose – and so do we.” Lisa Alvarez is a regular contributor.

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