EVERYTHING
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Ten years passed from the time Susan Clark started thinking about motherhood and the moment a baby was finally placed in her arms. Her wait didn’t include birthing classes, epidurals, and a stay in the labor and delivery suite, but rather orientations, home studies and plenty of paperwork. Her newborn daughter was delivered via the Orange County Social Services Agency, just one of the many adoption programs available to parents in Southern California. Adoption, says Clark, enabled her to realize her dream of becoming a mother. In fact, today Susan and her husband, Randy, are the proud parents of two girls, Julia, 4 1/2 and Marissa, 21 months, and the Orange County couple are completing the steps to adopt yet another child. The years of waiting, they say, were well worth it. “Having children totally enriches your life,” says Susan. “And the joy that our kids bring us is a joy we never would have discovered without them.” Even with heartwarming stories like this one, adoption is a topic that can leave hopeful parents awash with anxiety. It seems that more often we hear rumors about good situations gone bad, or see highly publicized court cases where sympathetic judges return babies to birth parents. Questions surrounding “open” adoptions, and even the simple uncertainty of how long it will take to find a child, can be enough to drench the motivations of many potential adoptive parents. Yet for those willing to endure the process the Clarks adopted their first newborn baby just six days after they were approved, but waited nearly a year for their second infant adoption remains a viable and rewarding alternative for families who are just starting out, as well as those who believe in “the more the merrier” concept. Despite what may have been the case in the past, many adoption agencies today are open to working with untraditional families, don’t charge outrageous financial sums, and provide ongoing resources and support for families long after adoptions are finalized. In fact, in an effort to increase adoptions of children from the foster care system, federal legislation in recent years has created tax breaks for adoptive families and even offered educational perks for families who adopt older children. An estimated 1 in 10 families considers adoption, yet in Orange County, only about 500 children are adopted through social services per year. If you’ve thought about adoption, but haven’t had the time to do a lot of research, here is some general information on the three most common types of adoption. (For specific contact information see our list of local resources.) Agency adoption Every adoption, no matter what kind, involves at least three common steps; a home study, consent from a birth parent or legal guardian, and a court proceeding to finalize the adoption. A big advantage of working with an agency is that it can assist you with all of these elements, and even provide many of the services themselves. Adoption agencies are either public or private, and profit or nonprofit. A reputable agency should be licensed by the state of California. Many of them have religious affiliations, but their services are available to all potential adoptive parents, no matter what religious background. Agencies help place children of all ages from newborn to young adult. Public agencies, such as a county’s Social Services Agency, facilitate the adoptions of children who have been removed from their parents’ homes due to neglect or abuse. Parents of these children are given a limited amount of time by the courts (no more than 18 months) to meet certain criteria in order to have their children returned. Once parental rights have been terminated, these children are “freed” for adoption. The Home Study qualifies a family to become a “licensed” home and enables them to have a child live with them for the required six months before an adoption can be finalized. Public agencies also facilitate adoptions for abandoned babies, such as those who have been left at area “Safe Havens.” According to L. Harris, senior social services supervisor for the Orange County Department of Social Services, right now there are more children awaiting adoption than there are potential adoptive parents, and a majority of the children available are older children. These are the hardest to place. “Parents who come to the county to adopt really have a genuine willingness to help a child in need,” says Harris. “It’s not just about having the baby of your dreams.” There are minimal costs involved in adopting through social services directly. However, some agencies working with social services may charge fees (often on a sliding scale dependent on income). Potential adoptive families do not need to have a minimum income, though enough to sustain themselves, or own a home. But they must have a bedroom for the child (two children can share a room) and they must be able to pass a background check. Single parents are also welcome to adopt. Attending an orientation is the first step in the adoption process. Once a family decides to proceed and completes an application for adoption, they are typically assigned a social worker who will help them complete a home study and “match” them with a child who fits any specific requests, such as age, gender, etc. Social services requires that parents attend a brief series of classes in order to familiarize themselves with the county court system, as well various parenting issues. Most agencies have similar training requirements. The time it takes to complete an adoption relies heavily on how quickly families can complete the paperwork and home study. Once that is done, adoptions can be finalized after the six-month live-in period. After the adoption is finalized, the county also provides a variety of ongoing support programs depending on the needs of the individual child. “We researched all the options before we decided to adopt through the county,” says Clark. “When we sat in on the orientation and saw what a great need there was for these children, we felt that we really wanted to help meet that need.” Holy Family Services, a private, nonprofit agency that operates in five Southern California counties, provides foster-adoption programs for children from social services, but their biggest program involves helping birth mothers find adoptive families for their newborns. Like the county, Holy Family takes a pro-active approach toward educating families and providing ongoing support after adoptions are finalized. Adoption fees are 11% of the applicant’s income, but top out at $20,000. The fee includes costs for the home study and a social worker who follows the family through the entire process. Parents can decide whether or not to hire an attorney, but a representative from the agency can provide assistance with paperwork and attend court proceedings. “Adoption isn’t an event, it’s a process, and that’s the way we treat it here,” says Sherie Dechter, an infant program supervisor with Holy Family Services. “Everyone has anxiety about the adoption process. We try to make it a little more parent-friendly. We help people through, we educate, and we’re there for the 50,000-mile checkup.” Although private agencies such as Holy Family typically have a network of birth mothers, waiting times for a newborn can vary since birth mothers select the adoptive parents for their baby and determine how “open” they want the adoption to be. If the plan involves future contact, Holy Family even offers a meeting place along with the supervision of a social worker, for as long as it takes. The screening and counseling process offered to birth mothers at private agencies like Holy Family is seen by many as a benefit, since it reduces the likelihood of a birth mother changing her mind. In fact, adoptions from Holy Family, are called “relinquishment“ adoptions, which means that the agency becomes the parent of the child until an adoption takes place, and a mother cannot revoke her consent. International adoption A popular option for many families seeking to adopt? Across borders. In 2003, more than 21,000 children were adopted this way, mostly throughout Asia, Eastern Europe and Central America. All international adoptions need to be conducted through an agency, and some countries require a minimum stay in-country before an adoption can be finalized. Even if this is not required, experts advise that parents make the trip to pick up their child from their home country. “It certainly makes for a deeper, broader experience to have been to the country where the child is from,” says Susan Soon-Keum Cox, vice president of policy at Holt International Children’s Services, the organization responsible for initiating the first international adoption program in the United States. Due to the processes involved in international adoptions, children usually aren’t united with birth parents until they are at least a few months old, and more often closer to one year. Medical histories of children can be sketchy, but parents are given an extensive survey to indicate which health problems, if any, they would be willing to accept. Parents are also provided with pictures and sometimes even video, to help them decide on a specific child. Kristin Fast of Laguna Beach is hoping next month to bring home a baby daughter from China. She and her husband have two sons of their own. Now it is time to infuse a bit of Chinese culture in their lifestyle. Dragon boat races and Chinese New Year celebrations have helped ready the family for the upcoming trip to China, which they plan on making together. Fast estimates that the cost of the international adoption will total slightly over $20,000, not including travel expenses. The Holt organizational fees, based on a sliding scale, typically range from $17,000 to $25,000. “The entire process has been so much easier than I expected,” admits Fast. “The most difficult part will probably be the waiting between when we see her picture and when we get our travel approval.” International adoptions are not necessarily “closed” adoptions. As in the U.S., there is a growing trend among birth mothers abroad to want to maintain contact with their children. Also, according to Brette McWhorter Sember, author of “The Complete Adoption and Fertility Legal Guide,” it is imperative to hire an attorney and re-adopt your child once you arrive in the United States, because U.S. courts are not required to recognize adoptions completed outside the country. Cox advises parents considering international adoption to thoroughly research any agency they plan to work with and ask about post-adoption services. “The commitment of an agency should not end when the child comes home,” she says. “With international adoption, there are issues about culture, race and identity that don’t emerge when you first bring a baby home.” Independent adoption When a family finds a birth mother on their own, through networking, advertising, or a facilitator, they can approach an agency to take over their case and pay the agency fees, or they can hire an adoption attorney and proceed with an independent adoption. Some parents prefer this type of adoption because they feel more in control of the situation and don’t have to follow the pragmatic approach of an agency. One of the keys is that they must trust their attorney to be fluent about legal requirements that might impact their situation for example, if the birth mother is in another state, they must hire an attorney in that state as well. Some consider independent adoptions more stressful because of the lack of support during and after the adoption process, and because they have a higher rate of failure. In the state of California, if a birth mother does not waive her right before she leaves the hospital, she has up to 30 days to revoke her consent for the adoption. Also, costs for a private adoption can be higher. According to National Adoption Information Clearinghouse figures for 2004, the average cost was $10,000 to $15,000,and sometimes as much as $40,000. A large part of the costs may be medical, living and legal expenses paid to the birth mother. Although there is no set amount approved for such expenses in California, birth parents need to keep highly detailed records so that the payments are not misconstrued as any kind of “incentive” to the birth mother. If the adoption does not proceed as planned, birth parents are not required to return any money they received. No matter what type of adoption parents opt for, patience is the key, says attorney and author Sember. “Many parents try for years to have a child and are tired of waiting, but unfortunately the adoption process can be a long one. But if you jump through the hoops and hang in there, you will get a child to adopt.” Adoptive mom Clark feels the same way. “Don’t give up,” is her advice to parents waiting for a child. “I know people who have had failed adoption plans and then given up. That’s a big mistake because then you really miss out. It’s a long hard process - but it’s worth it.” Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. For Letters: ocfamily.com 5 questions with... NAME: Kathy McCarrell POSITION: She has served as executive director of the Orange County Child Abuse Prevention Center in Santa Ana for the past 10 years. AGE: Early 40s RESIDENCE: Tustin Ranch MARTIAL STATUS: Single ADOPTION: She adopted her 6-year-old daughter, Rebecca, last year through the Orange County Department of Social Services. Q: Why did you decide to adopt? Kathy McCarrell: I was a county social worker for 10 years and placed a lot of children up for adoption when I was doing that. And I just fell in love with so many of them. There are great, great kids in the county system. And seeing them and meeting them, I was committed to doing it myself someday. Q: Did you stipulate a boy or a girl, or an age? A: When you adopt with the county, you have a right to stipulate any part of it. But the more specific you are, the longer you wait, of course. I wanted a girl. Being a single mom, I thought that would work best. And I was open to children 1-6. I didn’t really want a newborn. Q: Why did you choose to adopt locally as opposed to internationally? A: Couple of reasons. One is that I think there are such great kids in Orange County. I was personally attached to them and wanted to adopt an Orange County child. International adoption really focuses on babies and I wasn’t really interested in babies. And it’s very expensive. You’re also dealing with a whole different culture and experience. I’m familiar with what the kids in Orange County have been through versus the kids who would be in China, for instance. So my comfort level was more Orange County. Q: What has been the hardest adjustment for you and your daughter? A: On a personal level, maintaining a personal life because there is those limited hours in the day and if you work full time. Between us, our adjustment has been extremely smooth and good, but I’m not sure that’s everybody’s experience. I think maybe it’s the kids getting to the level where they trust you’re not going to leave them. My little girl had several homes and then she was told, ‘I’ll be your forever mom.’ It took her a while to let down her guard. You just have to hang with them. You just have to be there for them consistently day after day. She’s been with me a year and the adoption is final. And now she’s totally relaxed. But I could see that in her. For natural reasons, she was very scared: ‘Is this temporary?’ Or, ‘Are you really going to follow through?’ So that makes sense. You have to earn their trust. Q: A year into being a mother, what’s the outcome? A: Oh, I love it. I just love it. Everything about it has been just a joy for me. I say balancing a personal life is hard, but she’s logged 10,000 frequent-flyer miles already. She’s been to Hawaii. She’s been to the Caribbean on a cruise. And she’s been to Chicago and Texas. I just pack her up and take her with me. That’s the beauty of an older child. Resources for Orange County adoptions Orange County Department of Children and Family Services’ Adoption Program The state licensed adoption agency finds families for children who are dependents of the Orange County Juvenile Court and who cannot return to their birth parents. 800 North Eckhoff Orange, CA 92868 888.871.KIDS Olive Crest The agency is licensed to provide adoption and foster family services in five Southern California counties. 2130 E. 4th Street, Suite 200 Santa Ana, CA 92705 800.743.6783 Kinship Center The nonprofit agency offers adoption, foster and relative care services to the children and families of California. 1520 Brookhollow Drive, Suite 41 Santa Ana 92705 714.979.2365 Nightlight Christian Adoption The nonprofit adoption agency is licensed by the state of California to provide adoption services. Services include domestic, international, and embryo adoptions 801 E. Chapman Ave. Ste.106 Fullerton, CA 92831 714.278.1020 Holy Family Services A nonprofit, nondenominational adoption agency serving residents of Riverside, San Bernardino, Los Angeles, Orange and Ventura counties. The Orange County office is located in Santa Ana. 1403 South Main Street Santa Ana 92707-1790 714.835.5551 Other information : websites • www.adoptioninformation.com Check out the legal process of this wesite to get a rundown on the process from a legal perspective. (Use their glossary for any confusing jargon.) • www.childsworld.ca.gov Visit this site to find listings of licensed adoption agencies throughout the state, get answers to frequently asked questions, and view pictures of children available for adoption in California. • www.holtintl.org Home page for one of the oldest international adoption agencies in the country. • www.jcics.org Website for Joint Council on International Children’s Services. Find a list of agencies that work with specific countries as well as information on the countries themselves. • www.travelstate.gov/adopt.html Country specific information from the Department of State as well as documents that spell out specific requirements for each country. • www.hfs.org For more information about adopting through Holy Family Services in Southern California • www.ffpa.org Families for private adoption website. Check this site for general information and support. • www.courtinfo.ca.gov Do a search for “Adoption Forms” to find brief descriptions and copies of the legal forms needed to file for adoption. Also: The Complete Adoption and Fertility Legal Guide, Brette McWhorter Sember. Sourcebooks, 2004 Compiled by Sandy Bennett and Michele Piazzoni Adoption’s Silver Lining Learning life lessons together -- a father’s perspective By David Jahr David and Julie Jahr of Laguna Hills, already parents to a 7-year-old daughter, are in the final moments of adopting an elementary-age daughter. Here are five things you need to know. Prepare yourself emotionally before undertaking emotionally-charged activities. Adopting a child will tug on your heartstrings just as much as witnessing the birth of a biological child. The biggest difference, however, is the amount of time you have to prepare. We had nine months with our first daughter. We had three days with our second child. When adopting, there is no single “birth” date, so a flood of emotions can hit at different times. For example, there was the day I realized a new child was in our lives. As tears rolled down my cheeks, emotions lifted my spirits so high I think I actually soared over the traffic in my Volvo. I wanted to hand out cigars, have a party, shake everyone’s hand and then spend every minute with our new daughter and family. At the time, I didn’t focus on the subtleties of having two children, such as a sibling rivalry tantamount to World War III. All I knew was there was an enchanting little child coming to join our family; I would have two hands to clasp on the first day of school, two children to toss, laughing, into the air, and two children to cherish every day of their lives. It took me more than two years to be prepared to add another Jahr to the family. But at that moment, the risk of adoption seemed minute compared to the reward of molding and leading a life into society. In retrospect, blubbering as I drove down the 405 was a perfectly natural reaction. It was at that moment I realized I needed to give more time to the family and therefore would need to leave my present employer and partners of more than seven years. Adopting a child can be compared to standing on a busy freeway and blindly walking among the heavy traffic, ignorantly assuming no cars will hit you, and even if one does, it won’t hurt. We were totally unprepared for the blazing reaction of our 7-year-old daughter. For long years she had begged for a little sibling, someone to play with and read to, an ally at bed time; a best friend to share intimate secrets. When presented with a living, breathing child with a fully developed agenda of her own, our precious princess was shocked. The sibling she had in mind always agreed with her leadership, never wanted the bigger piece of cake, or stole any attention from her adoring parents. Every person in the (legal) process matters. Early on it was clear that we were not only taking on a new life, but every important relationship ever linked to that life. There was a well-loved foster family, banks of social workers, court-appointed advocates, attorneys, therapists, doctors and dentists. Then, of course, the existing parents and siblings of the child, grandparents and schoolmates. All probably felt that their love was stronger than that of the strangers who were folding her into their family. One certainty: You don’t adopt a child, you adopt a family tree. Flexibility and commitment are the keys to success. But, not always in that order. We learned early on that knowing the ground rules is huge. We had foolishly thought that all children of a certain age must know what behavior is acceptable and what is not. For example, running through the house naked, refusing to eat at meals, laughing when directed to clean a room are all unacceptable. Teaching these things takes time. As all the experts will tell you, boundaries are essential. Not only do they help children to understand the difference between right and wrong, their mere existence will give a child a much-needed sense of security. Saying one thing and doing another undermines the positive influence a new parent can have. But circumstances sometimes creep up and the need to be flexible arises. Commitment is important, but sometimes the ability to adjust direction, mid-stride, is critical to building the new relationship. Know when to say when, and when to say, what? Because kids can say, and do, the most profound things you would ever imagine. It’s (not) always about the money. For those considering adoption, the anticipated cost can be a major hurdle. But, and that’s a big but, when adopting kids rescued from neglect and/or abuse, many times the county or state will compensate the adopting parents with a monthly stipend until the child is 18 years old. I was anticipating a huge investment of time and money for a successful adoption and it turned out neither was required of us. There are so many children who need a safe, nurturing, stable environment. So what’s the most important thing to consider about adoption? The child’s health and welfare. Not money, toys, and other gifts. But health, and for that, there is no price. Don’t expect the child to say thank you. The life they lead prior to knowing of your existence was normal for them; the life you have carved out, full of rules and restrictions, is foreign. It will take time for them to feel comfortable in the new environment; to know the price of your love is free. A family unit is a special thing indeed. When a family comes together, united in one purpose, it is a beautiful thing to witness. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. The first few months were filled with emotional upheaval. Just when one child felt secure and at peace, the other would demand her right to our full attention. My wife and I looked at each other in terror; would we ever have a peaceful evening again? Now, six months later, we look at our family and thank God for the opportunity to build something special, for the gift of turning a Princess and a stranger into sisters. This is a success story, and everyone in the process, from social worker to grandmother, realizes what we are building and feels rewarded for being in the business in the first place. David Jahr is an Orange County-based public relations professional. |
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