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What parents should know: ‘ No’ is the new no-no Throughout your child’s life, you will receive a barrage of requests from “Can I have a cookie?” to “Can I have a car?” You will likely hear yourself saying “no” more than you ever imagined while you strive to keep your toddler safe, your teen accountable and your children on track to grow into healthy, responsible, self-sufficient adults. How can you protect and provide for your child, set boundaries and instill discipline while not becoming a no-spewing nag? Say yes! With a little savvy and creativity, parents can help curb negative impulses by providing a positive spin. Nip the ‘no’ habit According to Dr. William Sears, nationally renowned pediatrician and father of eight, at Askdrsears.com, “’No’ is a power-packed word, quick on the lips, easy to say. Your child will hear this word often and you will hear it from your child as well. It’s necessary for a parent to say ‘no’ so the child can later say ‘no’ to himself.” There are, however, creative ways to do so. Dr. Sears offers several alternatives for side-stepping an emphatic “no” for very young children, with a focus on nurturing behaviors. Here are a few options: The look: Children begin to read our facial expressions and our body language from the first few months. They know when you are delighted, angry or distressed. Tilting your head, eyeing them sternly and setting your jaw conveys volumes. If they stop the behavior, smile broadly and nod. Teach stop signals and signs: Children understand more than we realize. It is their inability to communicate verbally that causes frustration and tantrums. According to signbaby.com, many modern parents are teaching their babies sign language from as early as 6 months, resulting in greater communication and harmony for the whole family. Remove temptation from their environment: This is always easier said than done. The most diligent parent is still going to have close calls, but conveying why they shouldn’t touch something softens the scold. Say, “That’s dirty – it can make you sick, Christopher,” if your child goes for the litter box (then remove it from his reach). Make “yes” a two-way street: Explain you don’t like to hear “no” anymore than they do. “When I ask you to pick up your toys and you say, ‘Yes, Mommy,’ I will do my best to say ‘yes’ to your next request.” Make a game of this, marking down the yeses. When you both say ‘yes’ more than ‘no’ do something special together. Offer alternatives: If your child wants a snack before mealtime, give options. Diana Christiansen, healthcare consultant and mother of two, implemented this system: “My sons have always been allowed to help themselves to fruit or vegetables. Anything else, they have to ask. If they’re truly hungry, they’ll have some strawberries or an apple.” This way, they have some control of their decisions. In a book entitled “From Difficult to Delightful in 30 Days,” child psychologist Jacob Azerrad, recommends using a four-step Nurture Response as an alternative to negative reinforcement. When your child positively corrects his behavior, Azerrad advises parents to celebrate this by: • Vividly recreating the earlier positive behavior – tell him what he did RIGHT • Give the child 100% praise • Immediately follow the praise by labeling the behavior • Give your child 5 to 15 minutes of special time According to an article “Dealing with Power Struggles” at positiveparenting.com, “It is human nature to want some feeling of power; it is part of growth and progression. From the age of 2, and at differing intervals in the developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and the world around them…Parents who can shift to seeing their child’s struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and valuable.” Every “no” is an invitation to a power struggle. Refusing to engage diffuses the conflict and creates an environment of compromise. As children grow, the yes/no issues often shift from behavioral to material. However, the dilemma of setting boundaries, instilling values and keeping them safe, remains the same. For teens it might be pricey name brands – Coach, Prada, Fendi, Jimmy Choo, Sean Jean, Mercedes, BMW. Advertising, music, TV, celebrity tracking and video product placement conspire to make teens acutely aware of elite products. Many are under intense peer pressure to have the “right” clothes, cars, electronics and accessories now more than ever before. The ‘yes’ vs. the ‘no’ Today’s parents face a compelling conflict. Children do feel strongly about their wants. How can a parent provide some luxuries without creating a merchandise monger or ravaging the family budget? By using some practical strategies, you can create a positive growth environment and still say “yes” more than “no.” “Child-rearing is an artful balance of freedom and control,” said Yvette Chavez, a marriage and family therapist at Pathways Counseling in Riverside. “Parents often feel guilty when they can’t provide all a child’s wants, but what they actually teach is a sense of entitlement when they continually indulge them.” One compromise is the use of contracts. “I advocate contracts for adolescents and preteens,” said Chavez. “It’s an extremely effective method for teaching children the value of working for what they want. They are engaged in the decision-making process and learn to differentiate between impulse and genuine wants.” Chris Mundale, a child and family therapist based in Irvine, agrees: “I’ve had tremendous success with contracts for children as young as 4 or 5. They really get it and it creates a tremendous sense of accomplishment. It also bonds the family as they work toward a common goal.” Consistency is the strongest foundation you can provide for disciplining your children and it is requisite for a successful contract. The primary complaint parents have when trying to say “no” to their children and stick with it is a child’s determination to wear them down. The pretty, pretty please syndrome Children know unrelenting persistence will eventually win out – at least part of the time. Mundale likens this method to playing a slot machine. “When you play a slot machine, you know it’s only going to hit one time in 50 or even 100, but you keep trying. Kids know the whining and haranguing isn’t going to always work, but every once in awhile it does – they’re willing to take that chance.” “There are certain rules for entering into a contract with a child of any age. First and foremost, be aware of their manipulative tactics and be consistent,” says Chavez. “If you’ve let them slide with a commitment before, they’re hoping you’ll do so again – don’t!” When writing a contract, agree on specific goals and the ultimate reward. Incorporate in any issues your child might be having from schoolwork to getting along with siblings. It may contain such requirements as: • Do chores for X number of weeks • Maintain school work • Be respectful of family members • No whining, nagging or complaining • Show care for current belongings/valuables • Extra credit for additional chores or exceptional behavior After working for something for a length of time, the child will have a greater appreciation for the object in addition to the sense of accomplishment. Or, because the contract provides a “cooling-off period,” they may decide they want something else instead. Hard-earned money is usually spent more wisely. The guilt factor (get over it) Dual-income families or parents with demanding, high-powered positions may find they alleviate guilt over lost family time with monetary or material trade-offs. Those who can afford luxury items face unique challenges when teaching their children the difference between possessions and genuine substance. Oftentimes, the wealthier parent needs to be more vigilant when cultivating a responsible approach to finances. Families-First.org published an article entitled, “Raising Children in Affluent Families.” In it they state, “It is important for parents to take the time and separate their needs for approval and children’s needs for clear and consistent limits.” “Talking with children about money and family finances can be awkward for parents…However, it is often wise to be honest about some of the worries and dilemmas you are experiencing on their behalf and involve them in the discussion.” For instance, “Yes, we can afford to buy a TV for your room, that’s not the issue here. We are not happy with the idea of you watching television by yourself in your room. Let’s talk about why...” Here are some guidelines for developing boundaries and values when a lack of money is not the prevalent issue in the house: • Convey your values about wealth and money • Foster responsibility; make the connection between work and rewards • Assess your own focus on material possessions • Spend unstructured time together – just hang out • Listen to your child and acknowledge their feelings • Praise children for individual accomplishments (be specific) • Help develop coping skills (continued indulgence only sets children up for failure) • Resist over scheduling All children need boundaries; it makes them feel secure. In the same vein, it is a part of the growth process to repeatedly test those boundaries. What parents don’t provide, society eventually will. When a child is fixated on an item, use the opportunity to positively examine the want instead of giving them a flat denial. Sit down to discuss why they want the item. Try to get them to open up and share the pressures they may be facing. Empathize. Susan Marx, senior training specialist with Families First, said, “Never feel you have to respond immediately to a difficult request your child might have. Let them know you need some time and then really think about it.” “Whether your response is a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, make sure there are reasons behind your decision. Conveying your thought process will foster mutual respect,” says Mundale. “‘No, because I said so’ may end the discussion, but it is not a satisfactory answer. They will continue to fixate on the item.” The tech world Continuous proliferation of technology places an added burden on modern parents. You may have soul-searched, researched and agonized over a major high-tech purchase just to have a better model come out five minutes later. “When we were kids, you bought a TV and that would be it for 10 years,” says Mundale. “Now our big-ticket items are outdated before they’re out of the box. I just bought a widescreen TV last year – now I’m already looking at the newer models. It never ends.” Try to see things through their eyes. We know how seductive sleek, shiny, brightly colored, hi-tech, high fashion merchandise can be. It’s difficult to ignore even when you’re a grown-up with (hopefully) well-developed impulse control. Imagine how dazzling it is for your children. Negotiating allows you to turn negatives into positives. Remember, you side-step a power struggle every time you offer options. If you don’t want to be the bad guy and deny, deny, deny – try using a creative, proactive approach to turn each experience around to teach valuable lessons about money, goal-setting and discerning genuine wants. Your children (and your budget) will be the better for it. Susan Belknapp of Riverside is a contributor to OC Family Magazine. For Letters: ocfamily.com and click on Feedback. |
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