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You look in the mirror and you see your own father. You look in your son's or daughter's face and see yourself. You consider the mythic object lessons of famous father-child relationship stories: Abraham and Isaac, Daedelus and Icarus, Homer and Bart. The message? "Don't let this happen to you, fella." It's hard to reconcile the often tragic, confused or goofy dad with the ideal male parent. Perhaps harder to find is a real dad who "matters" in the best ways, at least based on what social scientists, psychologists, boot camp operators (they're out there) and real-life terrific parents agree. Confession time: I'd like my kid to see me as Atticus Finch in that heroic film moment of "To Kill a Mockingbird." When Gregory Peck takes off his eyeglasses, aims and shoots the rabid dog, he impresses, protects and nurtures all at once. And yes, as the psychologists remind us, he "exemplifies competence" for Scout and Jem and the neighbor boy, who lives across the street because he has been abandoned by his own father. Spend time with Irvine dad Angelo Vassos and you'll see, transformed in front of you, a retired high school teacher, father of two grown daughters into a Finch-esque hero. Likewise, there are other local OC dads I talked to - of small children, college kids or grown-ups - who matter, and big time. There's the divorced airline mechanic and avocado rancher, the surfing Ph.D. father of four, the history teacher/social justice advocate and the MBA founder of the workshop network called, yes, Boot Camp for New Dads. These men quietly accomplish what experts advise - and what our own experience confirms - is the very best kind of fathering out there. But I'm getting ahead of myself. That's typical task-oriented, can-do, active and engaged father behavior. Let's start over with some basics. Looking back A helpful "fact sheet" from Montana State University's Extension program (available online) reviews the current State of the Papa, and references two simultaneous social trends: father absence and father involvement. "The Importance of Fathers" report reminds us of the harsh toll the Industrial Revolution took on both fathers and the rural extended family, a devastating two-punch to the familial solar plexus. Now, a hundred years later, the U.S. father is increasingly absent because he was either never there in the first place ("unwed mothers"), or he got divorced. Nobody's going to reunite the clan and move back to the farm any time soon. Did they ever even exist as dads? Had those sad fellows resigned from fatherhood, got lost, couldn't or wouldn't give it a go? And, to be fair, parenting is a hard row to hoe, especially in a society that asks a lot of men, but sometimes can't seem to make up its mind: rugged provider ("breadwinner") or Mr. Mom? If you lack tools, confidence or resources, or you don't read the reports (most men don't), you might wonder what "importance" even means. MSU's report reminds us that dad is his infant child's "most significant other." And that "it is through the father that the baby first learns about comings and goings, transitions, separations and non-mother nurturing." Besides meeting all these criteria for dads, exemplary fathers buck another negative trend identified by MSU. The average U.S. father spends only about one-third the time with his kids as his co-parent. Our model OC dads make a point of making time. As one said to me, in typical can-do dad fashion, fathering is his "real job." Balancing act Now that we've done some homework, let's weigh in with a parenting professional. This one echoes and elaborates on the Montana study with a review of the psychology of dadhood. Michael Webb, a Newport Beach-based marriage and family counselor, stresses the need for balancing the doing with the affirming. Webb says dad comes up in most conversations with clients. Fathering, he says, informs our lives, for good and bad: "Everyone has two basic needs in life - love, or a sense of belonging, and power, or competency." Inevitably, says Webb, in most relationships mothers provide love and fathers provide competence. Of course, the best parents provide both in broad strokes. Webb argues, since dad is indeed baby's first view of the other - or perhaps less scarily, the world - his judgments and example matter. He's often the first person his kid sees after mom. Think of him as a kind of usher into the big world; through papa that baby orients him or herself on how to be in it. And since everybody, Webb reminds us, "wants to be seen as a competent, powerful, effective person, kids succeed when a father not only models efficiency and competence, but praises and acknowledges his child's efforts." That's hard for men, the affirmation part. Fathers famously need to "do," to act - perhaps more than moms, who are content to "be" with their children. Fathers want to go fishing. Build stuff. Play. Teach skill sets like changing the oil and cleaning the rain gutters. The good ones will want to not only model this terrific competence, but also affirm the child's own efforts to learn it. Without criticizing, yelling or showing disappointment when, sometimes, a kid can't get it right. Indeed, successful, happy, confident adults often credit their affirming parent. "He believed in me," they remind us. Fathers matter, yes, but praise from fathers also matters. If dad has made a point of seeing us, affirming us, Webb says, we are more likely to see and value ourselves. Fathering 101 But how? Watching the DVD "To Kill a Mockingbird" over and over probably isn't going to pay off in improved fathering skills. Despite Webb's advice, most dads won't know what to anticipate on the ground. Here, Boot Camp for New Dads founder Greg Bishop has it right: "You can't know what you don't know." Don't be frightened by the paramilitary-sounding name. This battalion of experienced volunteer fathers mentoring newbies is more like a well-armed militia of empathetic coaches, buddies and comrades-with babes-in arms. Rather than building confidence climbing over walls or crawling through mud, this experientially-based learning program, now adopted by hundreds of hospitals nationally, is all about hands-on fathering. Bishop, father of four, concedes that most guys aren't going to read Dr. Brazelton or "What To Expect When You're Expecting." So, in 1981, this editor of a guy-friendly how-to for dads, "Hit the Ground Crawling" and a magazine, "Dads Adventure," developed a workshop program using real live babies and a "veteran" father who shows new ones the ropes or, more accurately, the wipes, the Velcro, emergency procedures, how to hold and love and nurture a baby. No, not like a he-man, but in a strong, confident and informed way. Locally, Boot Camp is offered at Irvine Regional Hospital, Mission Hospital and Saddleback Memorial Medical Center, with regularly scheduled workshops at St. Joseph this spring. "You can't describe or anticipate what will happen, no matter how hard you try," says Bishop. "One critical thing is to teach dads how important they are, and often they don't know that either." Boot Camp emphasizes awareness and empowerment. "Most men are caught up in being assistant moms, and often don't appreciate that they have a larger role, a whole set of characteristics and strengths, like teaching the child to roughhouse and play," says Bishop. "We tell guys they have no idea how important they are to their children, so just trust us: It will happen. And they need to take on faith that they will be." Modern dads Bishop says fatherhood for the new guys is different than it was for their fathers, with more opportunities to be part of their children's lives. "We should feel fortunate," he says. "It's a great time to be a father." Local dads I spoke to were everything Dr. Webb, Greg Bishop and Montana State say a father should be: play partner, modeler of thinking, problem-solver and competent, bringer home of the bacon, all while consciously affirming. Nobody said it was easy, though they all, to a man-dad, seem to be enjoying it. There's Robert "Bob" Lee, divorced, age 56, of Silverado, a part-time corporate aircraft mechanic and "small-time" avocado grower. He teaches aircraft maintenance at Orange Coast College. Indeed, his "real job," he says, is, "nurturing the souls and bodies" of his two young children. He calls himself a late father, an "antique dad who credits his maturity with some real competence at fatherhood. It doesn't matter what gender you are," he insists. "Either you can do childcare or you can't - and I can, so I do." This doesn't surprise him. "After all," says Lee, "I've been taking care of pilots for 27 years." Lee is ever-present at his children's childcare center, the reliable guy who paints, fixes, hauls and provides. It occurs to Steve Felder that when his youngest reaches legal adulthood, he and his wife of 16 years, Barbara, will have been parenting for 32 years. "Talk about commitment!" he says. The Irvine Valley College teacher, who recently bought a home in Oceanside, is father to four, has a master's in divinity and a Ph.D. in English, surfs and recalls that "first big moment" of sobering existential awareness: He couldn't believe they "just let us walk out of the hospital with our boy. We didn't have to get a license, pass a test, or anything. And I remember sitting in our living room looking at his little squirming body and thinking, wow, this little guy is going to need me, in one way or another, for the rest of my life." Now, with a 3-, 5-, 11- and 14-year-old, he considers the challenges, wondering if he gives in to the pressures of constant activity. "It's like you're not a good parent if your kids aren't in soccer, ballet, art class, computer class, scouts and church." He and his wife struggle with guidance, rules, discipline, "whatever you want to call it." He's against spanking, but serious about rules. "I've told my kids our family is not a democracy, but ruled by philosopher-kings. When we say, 'Don't run into the street,' it's for safety. But I've also told them that they should always feel free to question the rationale for our rules. They've managed to convince me that my rationale was not good and get me to change policies." Felder thinks that's a good habit for them. Child's best teacher Francisco Marmolejo of Laguna Beach is a board member of the OC Human Relations Council, recipient of Irvine Valley College's Teacher of the Year in 1995 and 2002 and of the James Hines Memorial Award as OC Community College Teacher of the Year. He's also the divorced father of a son who graduated from Stanford Law, and is married to a woman who has, in his words "loved my son from the start." He wanted to keep his boy safe and healthy. "But," he says, "by the time he was in school, my protective urge was as much for his social health." Marmolejo recalls wanting to be around all the time, yet wanting his son to develop his own social group. His sense of fatherhood was only heightened after his divorce. "I came to realize that 'father' was now a significant part of my identity" and - I love this! - "a large part of what made my life right and happy." "I not only had to teach my son to be a good young man, but I had to help him be so in this community, this country, this world. Much of my identity as a father is not only about what I want him to be in America, but also about what I want America to be for him. It sounds like altruism, but it is true." Marmolejo credits helping his son cultivate a sense of social responsibility to helping him maintain his own commitment to issues of equality and social justice. He apologizes for observations he thinks are particularly obvious, but of course all of these exemplary dads turn out to be pretty darn thoughtful guys. My friend, Angelo Vassos of Irvine, taught chemistry and physics at Costa Mesa High School and then Corona del Mar High for nearly 30 years. An Air Force vet, he credits military service with his interest in science, where he became an electrical specialist on a B-36, and then went to school on the GI Bill. Married for 48 years, Angelo credits his wife Marilyn for sharing, teaching and guiding him in the parenting their two grown daughters, one a teacher, the other an artist. And, indeed, things have changed for fathers over the years. Vassos' pay was docked for missing class when his first child was born: an "unauthorized" absence. He and his wife tried reading parenting books but, as Angelo points out, the children hadn't read the books so they didn't follow the script. "Sure, having your own parents as role models is a big help," he says, "but we expected our children to also serve as good role models." Hanging out His kids like him and their mother. They enjoy each other's company. Vassos is a modest fellow, but there's obvious pride and pleasure in his observation that his grown-up "girls" let him "hang out" with them. Vassos doesn't usually give advice, but since I solicited it, he did. "There are times I want to ask a parent if they're clueless," he says. "One night some children were running around in a Chinese restaurant while having mock sword fights with chop sticks. Another time a father was trying to control his unruly young son who was shouting and throwing his toys in a café by warning him that 'Santa is watching.' It was late October." Funny, especially since Santa doesn't even have kids, does he? Maybe St. Nick should leave a copy of Dr. Ken Canfield's "Seven Secrets for Effective Fathers: Becoming the Father Your Children Need" for the confused dad in that restaurant. Canfield is another resource for considering the how and the why of what matters. He founded the National Center for Fathering, which surveyed a whole lot more effective fathers than I did - 4,000 - and discovered the seven characteristics they share. So, here they are, in a kind of handy checklist: • commitment • knowing their child • consistency • protecting and providing • loving their child's mother • active listening • spiritual equipping Seven secrets? Yup, dads like to quantify. But if you had one who mattered, it's likely you'll recognize his fathering on this short, helpful inventory. And if you are a dad, you might see yourself - on a good day - on there, too. Because, yes, you matter. Andrew Tonkovich is an Orange County-based writer and adjunct professor at UC Irvine. RESOURCES • Montana State University Extension Services, "The Importance of Fathers," by Stephen F. Duncan, Ph.D. "Factsheet" montana.edu/wwwpb/pubs/mt2000-08.html • National Center for Fathering Conducts research and offers practical resources. fathers.com • The National Fatherhood Initiative Offers online educational and outreach. fatherhood.org • Boot Camp for New Dads National network of new dad workshops on parenting. bcnd.org • Families and Work Institute Nonprofit research organization that addresses the changing nature of work and family life. familiesandwork.org |
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