EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Cover Story
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This one is different - this war unfolding in Iraq. It just feels different. Different than the Gulf War. Different than the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It reeks of things unknown, of dreaded tools of warfare that send an eerie shiver through me as I squint to imagine them. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know where to put them. This sense of apprehension about a war that some say could escalate into global conflict has had time to fester, to take root and grab hold of me as if I was its prisoner. Unlike September 11th, where I could only react, this time, with Iraq, I've had time to anticipate. To dwell. To imagine. And I'm scared. This madman, halfway around the world, is throwing my world - my safe little world right here in Orange County - into disarray. I don't want this war, but neither do I want Saddam Hussein in control of my thoughts, my fears or my future. Duct tape and plastic sheeting. Potassium Iodide. How will I gather my family if given the directive to "shelter-in-place"? And with these feelings swirling around inside me like the sandstorms in Kuwait, how can I be there for my children? How can I be strong? My son awoke from a nightmare. Still half asleep, eyes closed as if still witnessing the terror, eyebrows pressed together as if he was still living it, he described the airplane that crashed into his junior high school. "It went right into the library where my friend was." He opened his eyes, no longer dreaming, "They were terrorists, Mom." I tried to comfort him, silently cursing all the evils of the world that have the audacity to rob my son of a peaceful night's sleep, one of the few remnants of innocence our children have left. Ours is not the only house where war has pierced deeply. A friend was awakened the other night by his 9-year-old son who was having a bad dream, just hours after his father had explained the president's declaration of "48 hours" to Saddam Hussein. This 9-year-old rarely has bad dreams. This night, he did. These children should be dreaming about baseball, about bike riding and happier things. They're not. Instead, they receive instruction material on what to do in case of a terrorist attack. Some districts send terrorism and disaster preparedness information home. Other districts decline to provide any information, as if a war doesn't exist. Can you imagine what life is like for the families who are sending their loved ones to face Saddam's regime first hand or to hunt for Osama bin Laden - the families whose mothers and fathers have been deployed to another part of the world to liberate the Iraqi people or arrest terrorism? Those parents can't even be there to comfort their own children. Their spouses are left with that task. Maria Sandoval, 30, of Santa Ana, mother of four children ages 6 months to 8 years, has said goodbye to her husband Jose, 29, a reservist with the Army. A platoon sergeant, now stationed in El Paso, he was called up in February and soon will be shipping out. "I'm nervous about this," his wife says. "The weapons being used nowadays...now we have the chemical weapons to worry about. He doesn't have to be near a target to be hurt." Sandoval, a fifth-grade teacher at Washington Elementary School, says she prays for strength to be a good mother and does her best to quell her children's fears. "I told them the truth, that their dad went to defend our country so we can have a happy country." According to Newport Beach-based family therapist Michael Webb, parents like Sandoval are on the right track. "I think we need to be honest," he says, "but we also have to allow our kids to know we can handle these events as adults, and that we're going to be OK." Sandoval has to answer each of her children based upon their ages. Isaiah, 5, and 2-year-old Samuel need only know that their parents are OK. Six-month-old Natalie is blissfully unaware. Older children like Jose Jr., age 8, may have more questions. But adults also struggle for normalcy during wartime. What are the men and women already deployed feeling? Jack Hammett, 83, was in bed when he heard the Japanese flying over his house, minutes before Pearl Harbor was attacked. Today, from his home in Costa Mesa, he recalls the moment. "I got down to the harbor as the second wave hit. We lost close to 2,500 people and 18 ships were sunk. It all happened in an hour and 50 minutes." Hammett, 21 at the time, was a Navy corpsman. His job was to work triage and handle the dead. "Naturally you're scared," he says. "But you're trained to be a sailor, a soldier or a marine. You have a job to do." How are today's military people coping? "Everybody's scared," he answers. "Still, you do what you're trained to do. There comes a point when you get mad and say 'I'm going to take them out.'" Chancellor for the Catholic Church's Diocese of Orange, Shirl Giacomi, suggests parents turn over their anxieties and rely on their faith. "That's how I live my life with a lot of things. I know I'm not in control and I have to trust that our government is making the right decisions." She encourages families to pray together, adding that her own family prays each evening at dinnertime. "We're not praying for safety. We pray for peace." And when the littlest asks, "Why are we fighting? Isn't fighting wrong?" Giacomi says, "Our faith doesn't tell us we're not supposed to fight. There are times when people are oppressed or killed by other people in power...there are times when you have to intercede on behalf of people who are powerless." That's exactly what Jalal Sarraf is hoping for. The Lake Forest father has family in Iran, just across the border from Iraq. As we watched our sons play high school baseball on a perfect spring afternoon, the clock ticking on President Bush's ultimatum to Saddam, our conversation turned to the war. "This guy's a monster," Sarraf says passionately. "He's responsible for the deaths of some 2.5 million people." He turned to me, "If you were writing this story for a magazine in Iran, the magazine would be shut down and you'd be taken to court. The nicest thing they could do to you would be to put you in jail for life." We watched the rest of the game and set aside talk of war. We compared our sons' plans for college and the future. George Brown, now a trustee for the Coast Community College District, remembers vividly the day the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb. He was just 18. "I was on one of three ships heading through the Panama Canal to lead the invasion of Japan." And then an announcement came over the ship's sound system. The bomb had been dropped and the war would soon be over. "I was filled with awe and relief," he recalls. Brown acknowledges that this war is very different. "They have mustard gas, anthrax, atomic bombs...who knows." His voice drifts. "You're going to be able to talk about your war now," he says of this this pivotal period in history. There are so many reasons to go to war and just as many not to. But our children's dreams, their dreams of baseball, of college and the future...if not just peaceful sweet dreams of children...are the reason we must all be strong. n Kimberly A. Porrazzo of Lake Forest is a senior writer. Military Mom: A daughter deals with 'the unknown of war' By Sherri Gomez My daughter loads bombs on jet fighters for a living. And, as a mother whose cup runneth over with worry, this is not the vocation I would have chosen for her. In reality, she didn't choose it either - it chose her, thanks to exceptional scores on the "technical" portion of the Air Force entry exam. In September 1999, three months after graduating with honors from Ramona High School in Riverside, Rachael entered the United States Air Force. I couldn't have been more proud, or more scared. Once she left home for San Antonio, Texas to attend boot camp, we waited breathlessly for that first call, which came a long five days later. I was laughing and crying at the same time when I heard her voice. She had to speak quickly because there were 10 others lined up down the dorm hall waiting to call their families. She gave us updates on her flight, the barracks, the grueling training regimen. Before we hung up, I managed to blurt out, "Honey, how is it, really?" Without any hesitation whatsoever, she said with conviction, "It's hell here, Mom, but it's where I belong." Of all things, I could not imagine being just 18 years old and possessing the knowledge that you are where you belong. Over the course of the next 3 1/2 years, her place of belonging would be the "bomb dump" as her military career would revolve around ammunition. This mother had many sleepless nights fueled by an over-active imagination: A bomb accidentally explodes during a routine drill. An enemy infiltrates her area and surreptitiously places a load of explosives in the inventory room... As the months peeled away and Rachael was thousands of miles away at different bases serving her country, I looked to my military friends for moral support... I met Bob and Denise when Rachael was dating their only son, Bobby. Shortly after high school, Bobby joined the Navy and although he and Rachael were no longer together, she stayed close with Bob and Denise. When Rachael left for the Air Force, I would call Denise for encouragement. We would commiserate together and share our own "war stories." I recall her kindness: "The goodbyes may always be difficult, but it gets better and the 'welcome homes' are something you anticipate with joy." Since she first left for boot camp what seems eons ago, Rachael and I have talked about the chance of her going into battle, but rarely did I think it was a true possibility - until now. The soldier on the news or in war movies was always someone else's child, not mine. Now, today, as Rachael prepares to confront everyone's most horrific nightmare, that face could be my 22-year-old daughter. My friends Brenda and John have a 36-year-old son in the Air Force, waiting with his wife and two little girls for his deployment orders. "Is it any easier having a grown adult in this situation?" I asked her. "Not one bit," she replied. "I don't think it matters how old they are or how long they've been out of the house, the prospect of seeing your son or daughter face the atrocities and danger is always there." John did his best to reassure me. "I'm proud that Brian chose the Air Force and he is willing to do what is necessary to protect his country. Don't forget they are well-trained to do their jobs." Most recently, Rachael and I have spoken more heart-to-heart. One Friday night four weeks ago, she called and announced she would leave on Monday morning for an undisclosed location (those orders have subsequently changed, but it is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment waiting game). In a tear-filled voice I asked, "Honey, are you afraid? "Of course," she admitted. "What exactly, are you afraid of?" I asked. "Are you afraid of dying?" "No." "Getting hurt?" "No." "Hurting someone else?" "No." "Then, what?" "The unknown of war." And then she asked not to talk about it anymore. What more could be said? She is where she belongs. Sherri Gomez of Riverside is a regular contributor to Inland Empire Family Magazine. Looking for stress, anxiety War and threat of war, terrorism and threat of terrorism, deeply affect children. With headlines big enough for young children to grasp, and nonstop TV news, word is out. Michael Webb, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Newport Beach, offers these suggestions to parents: • Signs of stress or anxiety would include: "Restlessness, or feeling keyed up or on edge, being easily fatigued, difficulties concentrating or minds going blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance - either falling asleep or staying asleep." • How parents should react: "If they begin to see these, parents shouldn't become overly alarmed. It is stress-related to a specific stressor. We all have some of these symptoms. But it's when they continue, for a longer period of time, then you begin to be concerned." • Approach a child based on her age and maturity: "I am a believer that there are certain things that are the business of adults. So, when I think of kids who are anywhere between 5 to 10 or 11, I find that for the most part, the kids aren't all that interested in some of the events. They are curious, but are interested in their parents, their friends, their schools, but not that interested in adult-type business. As long as daddy is doing well, and mommy is doing well, and their friends like them, that's what matters to them. Inevitably, maybe a child...asks questions; if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough for an answer, but answer in an age-appropriate way...I encourage parents to dialogue with their child based on their maturity and their questions, offering them no more than they've asked." • Spend time together as a family: "I think whenever there is a tragedy or there is a major event, we take these opportunities to re-evaluate...and draw us closer." - Reported by Craig Reem American Red Cross: action steps The September 11th attacks underscore the importance of being prepared, both at home and in the community. Many people, for example, were unable to get in touch with love ones in New York. Is your family prepared for a similar act or another disaster that could occur in Orange County? The American Red Cross recommends five action steps that everyone can take to help ensure their safety in these uncertain times: Make a plan. Build a kit. Get trained. Volunteer. Give blood. An array of free material is available to help residents prepare, from tips on establishing a plan to the items to include in a disaster kit. Numerous brochures, for example, can be downloaded via www.redcross.org. You also can call the Orange County Chapter for free brochures, or attend one of its classes. A workshop, titled "Together We Prepare," for example, will be offered in April in addition to CPR and first-aid classes. Besides disaster readiness, the American Red Cross, Orange County Chapter is involved in a number of other efforts, many of which the community can take part in. Blood Drives: Blood donations continue to be an ongoing need. Several blood drives are held throughout the county each month. (Call for dates and locations.) Emergency Communication: The nonprofit agency provides emergency communication to the armed forces. If you have a birth, death or illness in the family, for instance, the Red Cross verifies the information, then forwards it to the supervisor of your family member in the military. Troop Donations: The Red Cross also is collecting "quality of life items" for the troops. Among the specified goods are chocolate bars, sunscreen, coffee, toiletry items and batteries. Those interested in putting together a box should contact the local chapter before they begin. Items as well as box sizes are very specific. In addition, all boxes must be shipped from the Red Cross office. Volunteering: For people who want to assist, consider volunteering at the Red Cross or another organization. Humanitarian Care: In all kinds of conflict situations, the agency provides humanitarian care to people living in the region who have been affected by conflict or by war. Future events will determine the type and extent of what this service will be. For more information on available classes, pre-assembled disaster kits or for free disaster preparedness information, call 714.481.5300 or log onto www.oc-redcross.org or www.redcross.org. - Compiled by Sandy Bennett Websites for families From helping children to feel more secure in times of national crisis to tips on talking to kids about terrorism and war, a number of websites offer information to assist families in this difficult time. www.drspock.com Type in "Times of Crises" to search the site. www.aacap.org After entering the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry's website, click on the "Disaster Response" icon. www.ces.purdue.edu/terrorism/ In addition to its own article, Purdue University also offers additional resources. Included are sources for military families facing deployment. www.aboutourkids.org/articles/war.html About Our Kids offers references and related books in addition to answering a number of common questions that parents have. www.familyeducation.com Click on the "Talking to Kids About War" icon. - Compiled by Sandy Bennett |
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