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I know what you're thinking: "A story about single parenting? Boy, this will be depressing." After all, statistics don't lie. In Orange County, roughly 15,000 marriages end in divorce every year, according to an Orange County Register report, and nearly 22% of households are run by single parents. The Census Bureau reports that single parents head one-third of all American families. But numbers don't tell the whole story. People do. And if you talk to single parents, you'll see them for who they really are: mostly dedicated and loving moms and dads, trying to create the best life possible for their children...sometimes with a dash of heroism thrown in: There's Regina, who became an instant single mother at 57 when she adopted, and thereby rescued, 11-year-old Natasha, who'd been living in the streets with her drug-addicted mother. Teresa's husband left her, at 43, with two toddlers. She eventually moved here from the East Coast to start over and allow her daughters to grow up around loving relatives. After 10 years of renting, Teresa finally bought her first home. Greg's young and seemingly healthy wife died suddenly from a heart attack while jogging, leaving him unprepared to raise three young sons on his own. But he's managing. And Deborah got pregnant accidentally by her high school sweetheart. They'd outgrown each other and decided against a loveless marriage. Instead, they raised Nolan together, amicably. He's now 18. Different scenarios, but one common denominator: They all made the courageous choice to parent, despite the challenges. That should be applauded, not condemned, as many who buy into stereotypes are quick to do. People become single parents for many reasons - some choose to, some don't. Certainly, divorce contributes heavily to the population. There's no question it wields a destructive blow. But in some instances, psychologists agree going separate ways may be the healthiest choice. "For children who are witnessing ongoing dysfunction, conflict, and/or verbal and physical abuse...(they) would be better off if parents divorced," asserts Dr. Cornelia Brentano, assistant professor in the department of psychology at Chapman University. Divorce, death, adoption, accidental pregnancy, even artificial insemination...No matter how we arrived at single parenthood, we're ever-present as one of the fastest-growing subcultures in America. According to the Census, there are 10 million single moms in this country, up four million since 1980. (About five times the number of single moms than dads are the primary custodian of children after divorce.) Reality TV? This is reality parenting. Yes, we're overworked, stressed and financially stretched. How could we not be? Parenting, done right, is at least a two-person job. But most of us are doing the best job we can, just like our married counterparts, despite additional hardships, such as legal tangles and scrambling for childcare. And for that we deserve a respectful nod - overdue recognition from a sometimes critical and judgmental society for making the right choice, the only choice, to stand up for our children and be parents. Even if it is on two feet instead of four. Not all gloom and doom For 41-year-old Deborah Townes of Tustin, the registered nurse who got pregnant but opted not to marry her baby's father, parenting was a struggle, especially during the years Deborah was earning her degree. "I can remember in college many times choosing time with my son over getting straight A's." But it was a challenge she happily embraced. "I've lost a lot of sleep. But it was all worth it. Nolan is a terrific kid, and I've so enjoyed raising him. I am sure it will always be the highlight of my life." While Townes chose a more unconventional path to single parenthood, the vast majority of this population has grown out of divorce, which creates more single parents than any other sociological event. If nearly 1.1 million marriages in this country dissolve each year, what kind of legacy are we leaving our kids? There have been innumerable studies and books written on the devastating psychological and emotional impact of divorce on children. All valid and well-founded...yet short-sighted, according to E. Mavis Heatherington, a psychology professor from the University of Virginia who pioneered one of the most comprehensive studies ever on the effects of divorce. Her surprising, albeit heartening, results have turned conventional wisdom on its head. After tracking the lives of 1,400 families and 2,500 children (who were 4 years old at the study's inception) for nearly 30 years, Heatherington has concluded that divorce is simply another transition in family life rather than a life-altering trauma. How could that be? She writes in her book, "For Better Or For Worse," that the negative effects of divorce have been exaggerated and the positive effects ignored. "The reason our current view of marital failure is so unremittingly negative is that it is based on studies that have only examined people for a year or two after divorce...not enough time to distinguish between short- and long-term effects." Heatherington argues that if parenting after a divorce is supportive and warm, but firm, children will naturally adjust. In her study, 75 percent of children from divorced families adapted reasonably well and became "competent, functioning individuals." The vast majority of adults and children studied did not suffer severe, long-lasting effects from divorce as popular myths lead us to believe. The biggest surprise is that a small percentage of young adults were actually enhanced by divorce, the psychologist reports. "Uncommonly resilient, mature, responsible and focused, these children of divorce blossomed, not despite the things that happened to them during and after divorce...but because of them." A multiethnic study concluded this year by Cornell University echoes Heatherington's findings. It reports that being a single parent doesn't negatively affect a 12- and 13-year-old's behavior or performance in school. What's important is a mother's education and skills. "The findings suggest that in the presence of favorable maternal characteristics, such as education and positive life expectations, along with social resources supportive of parenting, single parenthood in and of itself need not to be a risk factor for a child's performance in mathematics, reading or vocabulary, or for behavior problems," reports professor emeritus Henry Ricciuti, lead researcher. What does it all mean? Bottom line, single parenthood doesn't have to be a stigma any longer. We're not "out partying every night and having one-night stands, our kids in and out of therapy," as one uninformed observer commented recently. "Sometimes (married) people express pity for my situation," says nurse Townes. "I always joke back, 'No, you're the one who deserves a medal, taking care of children AND a husband!'" We needn't feel guilty anymore about not having a two-parent roof over our children's heads because they're doing just fine, thank you. And so are we. In fact, there's every reason to be optimistic and hopeful about our future. So many of our children are healthy and thriving. Our communities have pulled together and scores of resources are available to help single parents manage the daily, sometimes overwhelming, challenges of going it alone. A voice for Orange County fathers In this country, about two million single dads have primary custody of their children, according to the Census Bureau. While it's an encouraging, national trend that fathers are embracing full-time parenting, non-custodial fathers still remain frustrated and heartbroken because they don't see their children often enough. "The average divorced father in Orange County sees his children only 15-20% of the time," reports Marvin Chapman, president of United Fathers of America in Orange, a nonprofit organization that helps fathers - and some mothers - fight for custody and visitation. True, some parents make the choice not to see their children or pay child support, for that matter. And shame on them. But Chapman's clients (60% men, 30% women, 10% couple mediation) want more involvement in their children's lives and come to him out of desperation. They've been torn apart by the adversarial court system and burned by expensive lawyers. For many, like James Darin Lee of Moreno Valley, Chapman is their last hope. "My ex-wife is refusing to let me have visitation with my 10-year-old daughter. She's only letting me see her on Fridays for three hours, even though our divorce papers say I'm supposed to have her three weekends a month." Lee endured this intolerable situation for five years because he didn't have the money to hire an attorney. But for an annual fee of $500, which includes unlimited consultations, Chapman helped Lee prepare and file legal paperwork, and prepped him to represent himself in court. "If parents can clearly articulate the custody and visitation they want, and passionately discuss that in court," claims Chapman, "they can be far more effective than non-passionate attorneys doing this for a paycheck." Chapman became impassioned about parental rights through his own painful experience more than 25 years ago. "I faced the dragon of family law. I didn't have the money for an attorney, so I did it myself," says the former mediator and licensed therapist who eventually won his case. "I'm a better person because I didn't kowtow to a system designed to destroy me." He admits that fathers have an uphill battle. "The restrictions on a father are unbelievable when a child is really young." The court still favors mothers, a lingering bias from the defunct Tender Years Doctrine, which claimed young children should be with the parent who was home more. That was usually mom. Nevertheless, Chapman's clients have scored many wins in his 25 years at the helm. "My biggest fulfillment is watching clients come in, whipped by the system, their shoulders slumped, life is bottoming out...and within months, they're successful in court, their shoulders are back, their life has come together and they're men (and women) again." To contact United Fathers of America (www.unitedfathers.org) in Orange, call (714) 385-1002. The funny side up Like Townes, Julie Kidd is another unconventional single mom. She's raising three kids on her own, all from different fathers. And she laughs about it. For 13 years, this Anaheim mom has been moonlighting as a stand-up comic, and real life has provided her with some great material. "I'm a typical California mom. Blonde hair, blue eyes, three black kids." This opening line, one of the first jokes the fortysomething comic ever wrote, always gets big laughs. Matter of fact, Kidd's entire act centers on single motherhood. "I think comedy has to be who you are, it has to be real. And that's who I am." For Kidd, laughter is therapy. "Without a sense of humor, I would be a drunk person in a fetal position." Funny line, but a huge exaggeration. This driven, talented woman has single-handedly raised three equally talented children - sons Ferin, 19 and Marshéa, 15, and daughter Jasmine, 10 - working as an administrative assistant for Deloitte and teaching tap dance at night. "It's a struggle. But I budget and make the best of my situation." Her sacrifices have paid off. Kidd's oldest son is in college and Marshéa and Jasmine are following in their mother's dance steps. Jasmine is one of the country's top dancers in her age group. "We all love dance. It keeps us grounded and bonded," explains Kidd. "My son wants to choreograph and tour with major pop stars. Oh my God, he's amazing." As a gifted, biracial male dancer, Marshéa is a shoe-in for a scholarship, claims toe-tapping mom. As for comedy, Kidd has made quite a name for herself, even though "I bombed for the first five years." But it's been nothing but big laughs since. Last year, she was a finalist in California's Funniest Female Contest at Martini Blues in Huntington Beach and NBC's "Life Moments" filmed a documentary about her. Recently, she flew to New York as a semifinalist in the Hilarious Housewife Competition on "The View." And she was on "Dr. Phil" promoting her brainchild, "Tap-N- Burn," an aerobically designed tap-dance video. "I created it, choreographed it and did all the marketing." Children, work, dancing, comedy and video promotion. Plus, a book she's writing about raising biracial kids, called "A Journey Through A Single Mother's Hood." Life's a whirlwind for this high-energy mom. "I'm so busy, I don't have time to cook for my kids. Lately, when I call them to dinner, they run to the car." (www.juliekidd.com) Comfort through the church...at last Regina Sherard, the 57-year-old adoptive mother you met earlier, is a Christian. Through her local church, she has found welcome support for the challenges of raising Natasha alone. Churches weren't always so helpful. For years, they weren't sure how to handle the single parents in their congregations. It was a moral and theological dilemma. Offering support to divorced and unmarried parents seemed antithetical to basic Judeo-Christian belief in the sacred union of a man and woman. But Gary Richmond, a 60-year-old pastor at the Evangelical Free Church in Fullerton, found a way. In 1979, Richmond became the first pastor in the country to devote his entire ministry to single parents, earning him the title, "The Father of Single Parent Ministry." "A lot of churches won't admit they have a problem with divorce." Richmond knows this candid statement may ruffle a few feathers. He claims many churches are hesitant to open their arms to single parents because they fear this perceived "poor" population "will be a drain on the budget" and that their emotional needs will overwhelm church counselors. However, the real, ugly, little secret, says Richmond, who wrote "Successful Single Parenting," is the remarriage issue. "Seventy percent of single parents will remarry and (with a higher divorce rate for second marriages) pastors are afraid of putting together two divorced people who will divorce again. Then they'll feel responsible." Even so, as the single-parent population expands, many Orange County churches follow Richmond's lead. Single parent ministries are springing up all over the Southland, as some faith-based societies acknowledge and accept this burgeoning subculture. Instead of casting judgment, churches are welcoming single parents into their fold where they find instant community with other families in similar situations. A single mom gives back Julie Garvey understands the importance of community. Her family, friends and spiritual connections helped her stay the challenging course as a single parent for 20 years. Now she's giving back tenfold, overseeing the single-parents ministry at St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church in Newport Beach. Though Garvey is working on a master's degree at Fuller Seminary in cross-cultural studies, she's already graduated with honors from single parenthood. Her 22-year-old son is a first-class senior at the Coast Guard Academy in Connecticut - one of the most selective colleges in the country. Jeff was one of 265 applicants chosen out of 8,000. Garvey glows with pride. She credits her success as a single parent to the emphasis she placed on community from the start. "Many single parents live their life through their kids. That's not good for parents or kids," she says. "I pursued relationships that were homes for my heart. My son saw tons of people come through our house for dinner parties and Bible studies. Somebody was always around." Of the 4,000 members at St. Andrew's, Garvey estimates 300 are single parents. "A large percentage of people are single parents, and the evangelical churches don't know what to do with this phenomenon. If they provide a single parent ministry, are they condoning divorce?" Garvey points to the dilemma. "They don't understand single parents are like everyone else. They need community, a place to belong and a place to serve." After a while, hearts heal A child's love is like no other. Their warm hugs and sweet kisses send us to the moon. But sooner or later, single parents yearn for something more...a second chance at romantic love. "The formation of a new, intimate relationship was the most notable, positive turning point for divorced adults," observes professor Heatherington in her landmark, 30-year study. "...intimate relationships must be built and nurtured with care and sensitivity if the final destination is to be one of resiliency, enhancement and happiness." To find the ideal mate, the lid to our pot, we have to endure a painstaking sifting process called dating. Yes, it's scary to step back into the dating world. We question our judgment and fear making another costly mistake. With the divorce rate even higher for second marriages, dating phobia is well-founded. This time around, we have children to consider and babysitters to pay. It's no longer about who's right for us. This person also has to fully embrace our children. And if that person is also a parent, it adds another dynamic, and things get complicated. The good news is, single mothers "have more self-esteem and sex-esteem than single women without children," finds a recent survey of more than 30,000 women conducted by TRUEBeginnings, a new, online dating service with over 296,000 members (192,400 are single parents). Single mothers scored significantly higher than single women without children in sexual attitudes and behavior, self-confidence, emotional intelligence, communication and readiness to commit. Problem is, says Karin Bruckner, TRUEBeginnings' single-parent expert, single moms don't cash in on these positive traits. "They don't realize that through their unique life experiences, they've developed skills that are the foundation of healthy, well-balanced relationships. Instead, they subscribe to society's negative views of them...overwhelmed, harried, damaged and desperate." If you are ready to date...get out there! There's no perfect place to meet someone, but guaranteed, you won't meet anybody sitting at home. Online dating, speed dating, singles clubs, dating services, matchmaking friends, church groups and dumb luck. Take your pick. "The more you date, the more comfortable and confident you will feel." Bruckner says the biggest challenge single parents face in the dating world is a lack of confidence, since many haven't dated in awhile and some have been badly burned in the past. Then again, after all the stress in a single-parent's world, maybe your best bet in the romance department is just to relax, be yourself and enjoy everyday life with your children. As life coach Martha Beck writes in Oprah Magazine, "...the way to find love is to become so much yourself that you find others of your own kind...the population most likely to contain your heart's partner." Lynn Armitage, a single mother, is a senior writer for Churm Publishing, Inc. For Letters: ocfamily.com. Co-parent without anger OK, so your divorce or breakup was bitter and you hate your ex. But remember, you have children together, and they're watching and learning from your interactions. "Conflictual co-parenting distresses children and undermines their well-being," notes psychologist E. Mavis Heatherington. Because divorce is usually adversarial, she says, a cooperative co-parenting arrangement is often difficult to develop. Yet it's critical to a child's emotional health for parents to co-parent without hostility, regardless of the history between you. As one psychologist nails it, "When you criticize your ex in front of your children, it's like attacking their DNA." Many children take criticism personally and internalize it. They make the connection: "If you're criticizing dad, and dad's part of me, then you're criticizing me." Elizabeth Bader, founder of Positive Co-Parenting, couldn't agree more. "Conflict is the No. 1 thing that sets up children for long-term, psychological damage." Bader, a single mom herself, feels so strongly about conflict-free co-parenting that she left her job at Washington Mutual in organizational leadership to launch her unique, one-day workshops aimed at teaching divorced parents how to handle day-to-day parenting together without anger and defensiveness. "It is possible to have a good divorce. It's a choice people have to make and it's difficult," acknowledges Bader, who raises 8-year-old Nathan cooperatively with her ex-husband. "My workbook, class and coaching provide parents with tools to make those choices and raise healthy children." Bader, a certified life coach from the Hudson Institute of Santa Barbara, believes her program is more effective than court-ordered, co-parenting workshops, which she says don't create sustainable change. "Adults learn best by hearing, seeing and doing simultaneously. The cornerstone of my workshop, after we move through communication, conflict and remembering the good about the other parent, is that you actually develop a parenting plan." Through Bader's workshops, parents are reminded to take the high road. "You can hate your ex all day long - they wounded you, lied to you, betrayed you. Yes, they're gum on your shoe. But you have to raise kids together, and somehow, you must make the choice that your children's well-being comes first, and you must model the best behavior possible." To attend the next Positive Co-Parenting workshop, call 949.631.6121 or visit www.positivecoparenting.com. Dating tips for single parents • Give yourself time to heal before establishing a new relationship. • Establish routines and structures to ease children's feelings of insecurity when someone new is introduced. • Keep dating and parenting separate. • Avoid sleepovers with this person when kids are home. • Introduce this person only when there's long-term potential. • Don't have children refer to him or her as a relative. • Go slowly. The benefits of single-parent families Does living in a single-parent family really have its benefits? Stephen Atlas, author of "Single Parenting," thinks so. He outlines seven benefits in his book: 1. If there was conflict in the two-parent family, a change to single-parent living can reduce tension and hostility, and increase family solidarity as parents can better focus on children's needs and be more consistent with rule enforcement. 2. Single parents can spend more time with children since they aren't distracted with the expectations and time demands of another adult. 3. Single parents depend more heavily on the voluntary cooperation of children, creating an interdependent, working-together approach to problem-solving and daily living. 4. Single parents often need to develop new skills and acquire more education, opportunities for growth that make them stronger people. 5. Children have wider experiences because they may go between two differing spheres of influence. 6. The extended, single-parent community, such as Parents Without Partners, can provide support, and provide opportunities for personal growth and new relationships. 7. Children may feel more valued and needed as contributing members of the household, sharing the same major responsibilities as adults in two-parent households. Upcoming single-parents retreat The weekend of Nov. 12-14, hundreds of single-parent families will make the scenic drive up the San Bernardino Mountains to Forest Home (near Big Bear) for the annual Single-Parent Family Retreat, a chance to relax with your children surrounded by nature, and other moms and dads, like yourself. What's on tap? Practical seminars, such as cooking on a budget; workshops to refuel emotional and spiritual reserves; hikes and a talent show. Specifically for kids: miniature golf, sand volleyball, ping-pong, fishing, basketball, table hockey, a bookstore, crafts, a game room and a 40-foot climbing wall. Costs vary depending on lodging preference. If finances are tight, you can apply for financial aid up to 50% off the total price. For details, call Forest Home Ministries at 909.389.2300. Or visit www.foresthome.org. Helpful single-parent resources Parents Without Partners, Chapter 306: A support group for single-parent families with children under 18, featuring social and educational events: (949) 262-1583 or www.activesingleparents.org Family Strategies in Newport Beach: Positive parenting classes, workshops and private, family coaching: (949) 660-8929 or www.familystrategies.net Co-Abode: A unique "matchmaking" service that helps single mothers find other single mothers to share housing, and pool resources and finances: www.co-abode.com SingleParentTravel.net: Organizes trips for single parents and their children all over the world. Publishes a monthly newsletter offering travel tips and discounts. Best Websites: www.aboutthekids.org www.KidsnCommon.com www.makinglemonade.com www.singlemoms.org www.singleparentsnetwork.com www.singlemothers.org A modern Breakup One family's alternative to post-divorce parenthood By Jim Larkins When my marriage of 10 years ended in divorce, I knew two things for certain: I was not going to be an every-other-weekend dad and I would never keep my three children from seeing their mother. Likewise, my ex-wife didn't want to limit my time with the kids by imposing strict visitation arrangements. The solution came from the children themselves, who began asking if I could stay overnight at their mother's house a couple of nights a week. We have taken this unconventional approach to post-divorce family life for most of the five years since the breakup, and I have discovered that becoming a statistic within a statistic - divorcees who have chosen to tolerate each other in close quarters for their children's sake - requires patience, self-control and a lot of aspirin. Unfortunately, I had in my possession in the beginning, only the aspirin. The other elements are qualities for which I learn through trial and error. At times I have failed miserably, leaving the smoldering embers of heated arguments behind slammed doors. This left me wondering whether I should continue with the sleepovers. Was it selfish of me to keep exposing my children to occasional conflicts so that I could be near them more often? Our living arrangement is a work-in-progress. But I know that having access to both mom and dad without having to choose between us is something our children cherish. Having that without living in a parental war zone is what they desire. It is my goal to make this happen. Anything less defeats the purpose of the effort. So we have agreed to temporarily stall any volatile disagreements that threaten to turn into conflicts. When one of us pushes the wrong buttons on the other, we retreat to separate quarters and discuss our differences in strained whispers. This protocol for parenting is difficult, though, because I have assumed a new role in the family. As a father figure with all of the same disciplinary responsibilities as before, but living part-time as a guest in the house of my ex-wife, I am an anomaly of parenthood. The kids seem to have accepted this as long as there is no fighting between their mother and me. They have adapted out of necessity to the breakup and to the reuniting of the family under new circumstances. Side-by-side, we cook, clean, reprimand, praise and laugh at videos as though we're playing house for the kids' sake. We still share in the making of weekend breakfasts and even enjoy an occasional board game. I sometimes become so immersed in these rituals that mirror the lives we had when we were a married family, that I forget we're divorced. I am truly thankful that we are able to make this arrangement a reality. But this modern separation, with all of its perks, should not be thought of as a "way out" for those who assume their marriage cannot be saved. Ours is a situation that has grown out of necessity. Only after we exhausted all of the resources available to us, did we accept the end of our marriage. Now we wade through the same frustrations that married couples have, but the effort is compounded by the bitter flavor of divorce. I have felt the toll of my own parents' separation and have seen the effect of my own failed marriage on my children. I know I can offer this piece of wisdom to those considering divorce: While a marriage can be brought to an early end, the alienating effects of a breakup on everyone in the family can last a lifetime. Jim Larkins is a Mission Viejo-based writer. For Letters: ocfamily.com |
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