Being a mom has been a beautiful experience, mostly, when I didn’t feel like I was headed for a padded room.
There are things, though, I wish people had warned me about. I didn’t take up motherhood until the advanced age of 46, and I never got an owners manual. So if you’re contemplating parenthood, consider this:
1. Your child will never willingly put on outerwear of any kind, not a coat or hat, or use an umbrella before age 35, at least not in Southern California. Just take a deep cleansing breath and let it go. And, yes, they will wear flip-flops in the rain. When my teens complain about being cold, I just look at them and say, “I have no pity for self-inflicted wounds.”
2. Kids will not voluntarily starve to death. I knew a mom who fretted herself into a frenzy because her finicky son was going to camp, and she was sure he would pass out from malnourishment. Well, guess what? He ate heartily until he came home, then he turned on the finicky act again. My kids turned up their noses at Thai food until we went to Thailand and there was nothing else to eat. Guess what? They discovered they loved it.
3. They need to participate in sports. If your precious ones don’t like team sports, get them into tennis or running or swimming. Don’t make it optional. Their bodies need exercise. I tried to convince my daughters’ best friends to join her basketball, soccer and softball teams, and their moms would always say, “Oh, she doesn’t like that.” Really? She never tried it. Just don’t encourage horseback riding unless you’re Bill Gates. My friend’s daughter rides English, and it’s bankrupting her.
4. You will never again own white furniture. I walked past a lovely white couch in the window of a furniture store in Laguna Beach the other day and pondered the mystery of who would buy it. People who have houses so big they can ban kids and dogs from entering certain rooms (entirely possible in Laguna Beach) or people who don’t have either. But, then, I spilled red wine on the only white couch I ever owned 10 minutes after we took the plastic off, so I guess some of us are at fault, too.
5. Your kids don’t have to like you. If they don’t hate your guts occasionally, you’re not doing it right. Yeah, yeah, you need to be sensitive to their tender little feelings and all that, but sometimes they just need to suck it up, and you need to make them. I’m always amazed when I hear parents say, “Well, Junior doesn’t want to do that.” Who the bleep cares what 5-year-old Junior wants? Get in the car, kid. You’re going. And if I find out you’re one of those parents who lets kids have parties with liquor, I will personally come over and kick your pants off. What are you teaching them? To break the law?
7. You are not a bad parent. Any of your kids locked in the closet right now? Any of them have rickets? Do you beat them with a strap? Do you berate them and call them names? Are you drunk when they come home? Do you leave them with the nanny and stay out until 10 p.m.? If not, then you’re probably not a bad parent. Failing to make your child’s preschool graduation does not make you a bad parent. But failing to make their high school graduation does.
8. They grow up ridiculously fast. It’s all over in the blink of an eye, my friends. Don’t think you’ll spend time with your kid later, because there isn’t any later. There is only now. Someday, when you’re on your deathbed, you won’t regret the times you missed work, but you will regret the times you didn’t spend with your children. Even if it means sitting through the longest, most boring Little League game of all time. In Simi Valley. When it’s 111 degrees. And the coach is yelling at you because you keep running out and putting cold towels on your son’s neck. Oh, sorry. Sudden flashback.
9. Ignore the peanut gallery. People who don’t have kids always seem to know the best ways to raise children, and they’re happy to share that with you, any time of day or night. Ditto with old folks who’ve forgotten what their own kids were like. Don’t be embarrassed. When your baby cries on the plane, just remind yourself of the 1,112 times you had to sit and listen to other people’s crying babies. Now it’s your turn. I remember being in a restaurant in Yucca Valley when my kids were little, blissfully happy that, for once, they were sitting nicely in their chairs and weren’t running around creating havoc, and I saw some crabby older woman glaring at them like they’d killed her dog. I looked over at my son, and he was very quietly shredding napkins into a neat little pile. I was just happy my kid had a new hobby.
10. They need to do chores. Yes, I know it’s easier to do the housework yourself than to make them do it. But, unless they have a trust fund, your children will actually need to know how to clean things. When we went to Costa Rica, my kids were the only ones who could cook. How are these young adults going to survive, my friends, if they don’t know how to do common household tasks?
And, remember this: Never let them see you sweat. Yes, it’s scary. But you can do it, my friends. You can do it.
Contact the writer: mfisher@scng.com or 714-796-7994