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This is not a story about teachers who are sex offenders, or selling drugs or hitting children. This is a story about teachers who walk a complicated line. They may speak to their students in a harsh tone, or read grades aloud to shame the underachievers, or play favorites in a way that’s difficult to pin down. They are not breaking the law or even school rules, but they are making your child miserable.

Most teachers are good people. They are hardworking, compassionate men and women who care deeply about learning and about the children they teach. But there are a few bad apples, and most parents will have to deal with a problematic teacher during their child’s school career. When your kid lands in the classroom of a bad teacher, how should you handle it?

What should a parent do if her child comes home complaining that a teacher doesn’t like him, or if she suddenly stops wanting to attend school? How can you unravel whether it’s the teacher, your kid or something else that’s the problem? And what should you do about the situation?

Stay calm and investigate

“Collect information,” advised Karyn Rashoff, a counselor at El Toro High School in Lake Forest for more than 20 years and now an author. Most teachers have websites. Read them to learn classroom expectations and whether your child has missed any assignments.

Speak with your child about his or her concerns and try to get specific details.

If you’re worried that a teacher used degrading or inappropriate language, “Get the quote,” said Rashoff. “Ask, ‘Exactly, what did he say?’”

Keep questions somewhat casual, so your child doesn’t exaggerate or clam up. A kindergartner might say a teacher is “mean” because she makes him stay in his seat or do his work, so it might simply be a case of explaining to your child the normal expectations at school.

If you do start to hear things that concern you, try to keep your emotions in check as you decide what to do next. That’s not always easy for parents.

If you do think there is a problem, let your child know that you want to work with the teacher to make sure school is a positive experience.

“If the parent is not happy with what he or she perceives is going on with the school, I would always encourage parents to say something,” said Leslie Coghlan, director of pupil services for the Anaheim City School District.

Yesenia Navarro is curriculum specialist for parent involvement for the Anaheim City School District. “We know that children who are happy to be going to school have higher success rates,” she said.

Go to the teacher

“One thing you never want to do is blindside a teacher,” said Maureen Christensen, president of the Fourth District Parent Teacher Association, which represents all the PTA councils in Orange County.

Until you talk with the teacher, you do not have the full picture of what is happening in the classroom, just your child’s perception of it. So don’t request a meeting with the school principal or school board without talking to the teacher first.

If you feel an issue needs to be raised, make an appointment with the teacher. Try to be diplomatic, and use non-blaming language. Say something like, “I’m wondering if you could help me understand what’s going on with Steve,” rather than “Steve said you are mean.”

Go into the meeting assuming the best of the teacher and your child, but be prepared to hear your child may have done something to annoy the teacher. Contrary to many parents’ assumptions, our little angels aren’t always perfect.

“Maybe it’s a case where your child hasn’t turned in four assignments. If you don’t do your work, you’re not going to be as respected as a kid who does his or her work,” Rashoff said.

Ideally, the teacher will shed light on the situation and become your ally to make sure your child is in the best learning environment. If that’s not the case – or if the teacher becomes defensive – try to keep your calm and reiterate that you are just trying to learn as much as you can about the situation.

One practical tip from school experts: To schedule a meeting with a teacher, email is better than the phone, and it is reasonable to expect an answer within about 24 hours.

One more reminder: It is best to establish connections with your children’s teachers before any problems arise, said Marisol Cordova, a community liaison at Edison Elementary in Anaheim, who works daily as a link between parents and school officials.

Many schools – especially those with large populations of English-language learners – have community liaisons like Cordova, and they can be a valuable ally in helping parents advocate for their children in the best way.

“Make yourself present,” Cordova said. “Even if you work, email the teacher at the beginning of the year to introduce yourself and offer support. Stop by back-to-school night so they know who you are.”

Added Christensen: “If you are in constant communication, then there shouldn’t be any surprises.”

Now reassess

Maybe your meeting with the teacher cleared up a little misunderstanding. Maybe you learned that your child’s teacher is a little grumpy or serious, which means you can help your child understand that just because someone doesn’t smile all the time, it doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t like him. “It’s important for kids to learn how to deal with different personality types because they have to deal with them in the real world,” said Rashoff.

But if you have raised concerns with the teacher on more than one occasion, and don’t feel you have gotten a good resolution, it’s time for a decision. Do you help your child make the best of the current situation – or go over the teacher’s head to complain to the principal?

Christensen said her son had a dour kindergarten teacher he didn’t really like. She dealt with the problem by volunteering to help more in the classroom and reinforcing in her son that he was still learning in school even though his teacher didn’t seem like the warmest person.

“Later, I learned she was going through a divorce at that time,” Christensen recalled. “It was not the best year. We want everything to be so easy for our kids, but sometimes they’re fine.”

For Amy Park, mother of a then-second-grade boy at Foothill Ranch, the problem was a teacher who didn’t control her classroom. “I volunteered in there in the morning. It would take 30 minutes for the kids to get seated, and they just walked in and out of the class at will. No homework came home. A physical fight broke out in the classroom,” Park recalled. “What finally did it for me was that we never got any grades. She promised us grades right before Thanksgiving, and they never came.”

Park spoke with the teacher on several occasions, but her questions weren’t answered to her satisfaction. That’s when she decided to take the next step.

Go to the principal

Park scheduled a meeting with the school’s principal, who she said initially backed the teacher and urged her not to listen to “mom gossip.”

Park said she was able to cite evidence of specific things that concerned her, such as the lack of grades and the fight, that finally led to the principal arranging a meeting between Park, the teacher and the principal.

“You always have to be that strong advocate for your child. I had to write two emails and make two phone calls because they tried to brush me off,” said Park.

Finally, a meeting took place. “The teacher yelled in the conference. She lost her temper, and the principal felt it wasn’t a safe environment for my son anymore,” Park said. Her son was moved to a new classroom, and he finished the school year without any issues.

“I think these types of teachers are few and far between. These are just extreme cases,” Park said. “It’s sad, because I feel like they stack their classes with kids who are not going to complain. She’s still teaching, but at a different school now, where parents aren’t going to complain.”

While principals want students to be in an environment where they can succeed, there is no “constitutional right” to have the teacher you choose, Rashoff said. In middle and high schools in particular, sometimes a particular teacher is the only one who teaches a certain subject, so students have to adjust to different teaching styles.

In that case, it is important to work with your teenager to make sure he doesn’t sabotage himself. Rashoff recalled that her son didn’t like his AP European history teacher, so he stopped doing the work and his grade suffered for it.

“He was really punishing himself,” Rashoff said.

In the rare cases when a principal cannot resolve the issue, only then should parents consider contacting the district office to complain.

The takeaway for parents is that they should really consider themselves a partner with their child’s teacher. That’s all the more true now that the new Local Control Funding Formula for schools specifically names parental involvement as one of eight priorities for districts, said Coghlan, of the Anaheim City School District.

“Parents’ input is always valued and appreciated, and teachers want to know when they feel their child is being challenged too much or not enough,” said Coghlan. “They know their child best.”