While watching The Academy Awards on Sunday, my husband and I got into an argument about a movie, which neither of us have even seen. I won’t get into the details, but suffice it to say I was pretty mad and in disagreement with his opinions. He probably saw it as more of a discussion, which is often how he views what I consider fights. We didn’t resolve the argument, or even agree to disagree. We just went to bed, irritated, then woke up and moved on with the day in a pleasant and loving manner. I even made him eggs and coffee and kissed him goodbye.
This sounds like a recipe for marital disaster, doesn’t it? We didn’t work through our disagreement. We went to bed slightly angry and didn’t really discuss the issue further when we got up. I doubt if we’ll hash it out tonight either.
You see, I’ve discovered that the longer I’m married – 18 years as of last October – I just don’t feel like talking everything through to its nicely resolved conclusion. And I think my husband is in silent agreement on this point. I say silent because we’ve never discussed it, but sometimes we fight and don’t resolve the issue, and I’ve found that it doesn’t matter.
I suppose this theory only works for inconsequential fights like the one we had last night. If it were a fight about a larger issue such as loyalty, fidelity or kindness, we would need to see the argument through to its bitter end. I couldn’t stay with someone who I didn’t ultimately respect, and anything that chips into that respect needs to be gone over and resolved.
But I find there are many fights that flare up then dwindle and do not need to rekindled. If our basic love and respect for each other remains intact, then I can move forward.
Psychologists say the way a couple fights can determine their longevity. In fact, John Gottman, a Seattle-based researcher who has been studying marriage for over 30 years, says he can predict with 90 percent accuracy whether or not a couple will go on to divorce. How does he divine this information? By watching them fight.
According to Gottman, there are three different relational styles when it comes to fighting: conflict avoidant, volatile, and validating. You can be a mix of two or three, but the key to a healthy relationship, Gottman says, is having the same style as your partner.
Couples in conflict-avoidant marriages rarely discuss their problems. Rather, they both are fine with pushing their conflicts under the rug and pretending they don’t exist. They display little passion, but also have very few arguments. They tend to be more autonomous as individuals and often lead pleasant and calm lives.
Volatile couples have much more passion, but also more conflict. Gottman concluded that although these couples express more anger, they laugh together more often and are more affectionate than the average couple. The people in these couples often value individuality and respect each other’s personal space. These marriages can be exciting, but far from calm.
Validating couples discuss their problems in a relaxed and logical manner until they reach a mutual agreement. They care less about personal space and more about being a unit. They display affection for each other and share many interests and most of their free time.
Do any of these styles sound like your own marriage? There is a quiz you can take to determine your style on psychologytoday.com. I took the quiz and found my style was a mix of volatile and validation, and I’m guessing that is my husband’s style too, though he veers more toward the volatile.
And that makes sense to me. I’ve always thought that the way we fight helps us rather than hurts us. We sometimes argue fiercely, but make up and forgive quickly, or, as was the case of last night, just forget about it and move forward. That’s another key aspect to success. The ability to let go of grudges, to not dwell on arguments, can really help a marriage thrive.
A friend who got married recently asked me the secret to my marriage’s longevity and happiness, and I had trouble coming up with a good answer. We just really love each other, I told her, and my husband makes me laugh a lot.
But I see now that our fighting style is also important, and I’ll have that answer at the ready if anyone ever asks me for marital advice again.
