I was shocked and dismayed last week to realize that some of you had already sent your precious darlings back to school, in the middle of a sweltering August heat wave.
Now, I can hear the sighs of relief wafting over Orange County from frazzled moms everywhere who are completely over serving Popsicles and making finger puppets, and just want to sit down uninterrupted for five seconds.
But it just seems ridiculous that kids have to sit baking like pineapple upside-down cakes in classrooms while the Orange County Fair is still going on.
I mean, it’s the fair. What if they missed the fried Oreos? Or the baby pigs?
Attention, school officials: It’s STILL SUMMER.
Some of you parents have told me that the school year was expanded so there would be a longer break at Thanksgiving. Here’s a clue: It’s cold in November.
Take a look out the window. If there were ever Official Designated Vacation weather, this would be it. We’re livin’ the dream right here in Orange County.
Perfect beach weather? Great. Let’s go sit at desks all day and conjugate verbs in Spanish. Si, claro.
The other argument I’ve been hearing is that the kids need to start earlier so they have more time to prepare for the standardized tests they’ll be taking in the spring. I can certainly understand the need to beat more knowledge into our kids’ heads because they’re so sharp and ready to learn on Aug. 15.
Why have any break at all, then? Oh, yeah. So the school board members can go on vacation.
Years ago, my friend in Atlanta told me her kids always went back to school on Aug. 15. I thought this was insane then, and I think it is now.
Why bother to even have a summer break?
Years ago, when they were little, my kids attended a year-round school.
And I liked it a lot, primarily because it meant we could take vacations in the off season, when other families weren’t out of school. You know I’m a cheapskate, so this was pure heaven.
But as they grew old enough to attend summer camps, they began missing out on a lot because they had to go back to school while the other kids were heading up to Idyllwild or Big Bear to make lanyards and sing “Kumbayah.”
Sure, babysitters can be hard to organize when kids are out on many small breaks each year, but on the other hand, kids don’t forget how to do algebra after three weeks.
Nowadays, my kids are on a traditional summers-off schedule, but retailers seem to have declared war on summer vacation.
Just like you’ve seen Christmas creep, with wreaths and holly already sneaking into store aisles, now we’re starting to see back-to-school creep.
Creep being the operative word. It’s like the big department stores wait until the day after kids are sprung from school, and then they immediately launch into their TV ads for notebooks and dry-erase markers.
Really? Really?
Believe me, despite my legendary thrift, there aren’t enough 8-cent pencils in the world to get me into your store on July 3 to buy school supplies. You could throw in the backpack for free, and I’m still not coming.
Here’s the thing, all you department store executives: I just got out of school, too. For a lovely-yet-all-too-brief interlude each year, Mommy gets a summer break from being a morning drill sergeant, barking at my small platoon to get up, get up, eat breakfast and get to school on time.
I don’t have to worry every night over whether they actually did their homework at school, as they claim – a prospect as likely as seeing the Loch Ness Monster at the U.S. Open of Surfing.
No irate phone calls arrive from the school principal telling me that my little angel blew up the boys bathroom by conducting a science experiment to see how many wet soapy paper towels he could stuff into the hand dryer before turning it on. (Hey, at least he wasn’t in the girls room.)
I can stop dreading the nightly approach of the witching hour of 8:49 p.m., which is when my children invariably announce that they have a project due the next day and they need a fresh set of indelible markers, poster board and craft paint to assemble an entire miniature California mission until 2 a.m.
During the school year, I keep the keys out and the car gassed up for speedy last-minute runs to the store before its 9 p.m. closing. It’s embarrassing to hammer on the door and beg them to reopen it.
All of that ceases during the blissful summer interlude, when my teenagers sleep late and I relax. Sometimes I don’t even set my alarm. I let the sun wake me up. It’s the poor woman’s equivalent of a trip to Bora Bora.
Now, I do remember summers when the kids were little, when I used to sign up with a whole bunch of different churches just so I could send them to vacation Bible school all summer long.
Somewhere there’s a box of Popsicle-stick people and macaroni jewelry left over from those years.
For moms in the thick of it, yes, school is a welcome relief. Only if for a few hours, between the drop-off and the pickup times, when you’re jostling for position behind the slow moms and the outlaw dads who always drop their kids off across the street, making them run across traffic.
Really, dads, what’s up with that? Does it denigrate your manhood to get in line with the other MCCVs (Maximum Child Capacity Vehicles), protecting your kids and avoiding a traffic accident? But, I digress.
As I write this, the Orange County Fair has just ended. Sad but true. You won’t be able to find any chocolate bacon-wrapped fried asparagus anywhere until next summer.
On the plus side, get out those oversized cupcake tins. Because now that school’s back in session, you’ll be able to use them again.
Contact the writer: 714-796-7994 or mfisher@ocregister.com
