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You may have realized that this whole pregnancy thing is a bit more complicated than you thought. With nausea making untimely appearances, hormone-induced acne disrupting your plans for glowing skin and bone-tired weariness preventing fit-till-the-end workouts, it can feel like pregnancy is a conspiracy against your former self. It happens. We know. And then there’s one more thing to manage: your baby shower. 

I know because I navigated these treacherous waters recently. What I naively assumed would be a warm and fuzzy affair — where difficult decisions would consist of choosing between pastel or royal blue icing on the cake (pastel, thanks) — felt more like navigating a field of land mines blindfolded: You just never know how or when you’re going to make a misstep. 

With all the rules swirling out there in the baby-sphere, it can feel like an impossible feat to start organizing your baby shower. The pastel-festooned fête you’ve long envisioned is now burdened with neverending questions about who can throw it, who’s invited and when to have it. While many of the traditional rules have been relaxed of late, a few others have popped up in their place — you know, just to keep things interesting. To make sure you aren’t unintentionally ruffling any feathers, we’ve put together our list of the most common baby shower etiquette “rules.” 

The host

It was once considered bad form to have a baby shower hosted by the mom-to-be’s mother, mother-in-law or sister to avoid any hint that the family was soliciting gifts. Preferably, a friend or more distant relative would take the party-planning lead so as to dispel the notion that one of the main reasons for the party was to help collect the absurd amount of stuff that is needed to bring a person into the world.

The reality: In the modern era, it’s not a big deal who hosts the shower. Few, if any, guests will care if it’s your sister, your mom or any other close family member who steps up to organize the big day. But no matter who ends up hosting, make sure to recognize their efforts during or after the festivities.

The date

The traditional time to hold a baby shower is in the last couple months of pregnancy. By that time, you’re noticeably pregnant so there’s no mistaking the bump for a large lunch, and you’ve determined the sex of the baby (if you so desired) so that décor and gifts can be gender-specific. But for many pregnant women, this isn’t always the best time to have the shower. 

For one, you’re probably pretty tired toward the end of your third trimester. Second, it’s possible that the baby could come early, which would postpone the shower indefinitely. At the very least, it doesn’t leave a lot of time to get things organized before baby’s arrival — and you can forget about assembling a changing table and washing, folding and organizing 16 loads of new clothes with a newborn. 

Consider holding the shower during your second trimester when pregnant women typically feel their best. Plus, it’ll leave plenty of time for organizing baby’s new items. 

The twist: To complicate matters further, some of today’s parents are waiting until after the baby is born to have a “sip and see.” Parents set aside time for family and friends to drop by their home, enjoy a few light snacks and see the new baby without the fuss of a full-blown party. The thinking is that the baby is the guest of honor, so it’s preferable to celebrate when the baby is actually here instead of in utero. This is a good option for parents who would prefer not to be the center attention. 

The registry

Try to build your registry with items of a wide range of prices so all guests have something they feel comfortable gifting. Some feel that it’s best to leave pricier items, such as the stroller and car seat, off altogether, because most guests aren’t in the market to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars for a shower gift. Another possibility is creating a second registry for family members who have offered to buy the larger must-haves. 

Stick to the list: Moms-to-be create registries for a reason: because that’s the stuff they need or want. Try to buy something within your budget from the registry. In other words, don’t go rogue and buy something you think the parents-to-be will want because it’s something you found invaluable, think is cute or is on sale. Consider asking a group of friends who were invited about chipping in together to buy a pricier gift. If there’s nothing left on the registry that fits your criteria, consider a gift card, which is always useful.

Going co-ed

Women-only baby showers have been the norm since the event’s inception around the end of World War II. Traditionally, the idea was to help ease the financial burden of having a new baby and support the mom-to-be through her pregnancy with a close community of women. That model has evolved to include lots of (sometimes questionable) games, elaborate décor and food, and, sometimes, men. 

On one hand, it seems all but obvious that men should be a part of the baby shower, being half of the equation that created the baby in the first place. On the other hand, some argue that baby showers are a special time to celebrate the woman who has endured the rigors of pregnancy, and to talk about matters in which men have little interest. The bottom line is that there’s really no right or wrong here.

The alternative: Sometimes guys either aren’t invited or don’t want to be a part of any cutesy shower games, but they don’t want to be completely marginalized either. 

In that case, there’s the option of the men-only diaper party, usually thrown by the dad’s friends and celebrated with diaper-themed gifts and beer sipped out of baby bottles, which sounds kind of fantastic. Consider offering the non-pregnant women at your party a beer baby bottle, too.

Opening gifts

For some, there’s nothing more awkward than watching a mom-to-be manufacture enthusiasm and surprise upon opening a slew of gifts she already knew she was going to receive. As much as many would like to see the gift-opening ritual banished, some consider it rude to forgo the rite altogether. Some pregnant women look forward to the unwrapping of each gift. Understandably, if you were the one who bought the adorable bassinet and coordinating sheets, you may have the urge to have your present acknowledged, but for the rest of the guests who bought the less expensive basics, it can be a little humiliating to have your name called out in the same sentence as “nipple shields,” especially when it’s preceded by one of the fancier gifts. 

And really, while one of the main purposes of the event is to “shower” the mom-to-be with useful baby items, it’s also to make her feel comfortable and pampered. If gift-opening doesn’t fit into that, then it feels cruel to force it on a pregnant woman. Most people are perfectly content with a handwritten thank-you note.

The compromise: If opting out of opening gifts isn’t an option (i.e. grandma will be terribly offended), try a non-traditional route. Consider having guests open the gifts and pass them around while one person keeps track of who bought what. That way everyone gets to see all the presents, it limits the amount of awkward time, and no one feels slighted. 

Jessica Husami is the mother of a 9-month-old boy and lives in Rossmoor.