My friend, who recently turned 30, has a kind husband, a good job and is a loving parent to two huge, sweet dogs. She lives in a cute little historic bungalow and has a full life with fun, loyal friends and interesting vacations. She’s started thinking about having a (human) baby – because that’s what you do next, right? Right??? – but she’s been having doubts because the new parents she knows are always complaining about how hard it is.
And yeah, although parenthood can be super fun and rewarding, it is hard. Parents in the United States are actually less happy than couples without kids, according to a report by researchers at Baylor University, the University of Texas and Wake Forest University. The report didn’t indicate whether parents’ unhappiness was due to their offsprings’ tendency to scream “EWW!” whenever accidentally seeing the parent partially naked, but I suspect this might have been a factor.
So is it really worth it? Are kids the Great Life Experience or sometimes just kind of a drag – or both? (Answer: yes!) How do you figure out how, when – or if –to take the leap?
The truth is this: There is no answer. Sorry. But here are some things to consider (and since you don’t have kids, you’ll have the time to do it).
Ask yourself some pointed questions. “Deciding when to start a family is very important. You may want to consider the following,” suggests Dr. Lindsay Deibler, a clinical psychologist in Old Towne Orange and mother of three. “Are you emotionally stable? Do you and your partner have a good and healthy relationship and have enough space for added stress? Are you financially stable? Do you have enough money to support a healthy lifestyle for you and your child? Are you a part of a community? Do you have a group of people outside of your partner to help when needed?”
Don’t wait for the ideal moment. “There is never a perfect time to have a baby. There will always be more things you can accomplish, more money you can save (or debts you can pay off), etc.,” says Dr. Kristen White, who grew up in Irvine and now has a private practice in Chino, teaches at California Baptist University and hosts “The Mom Degree” (youtube.com/user/drkristenmwhite).
Trust your instincts. “A lot of the decision comes down to knowing in your gut it’s the ‘right’ time for you, which means that you are ready to take the risks of opening your heart and life, making the sacrifices needed to raise a child and hopefully enjoying them enough that it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice – most days, at least!” White says.
Talk to your partner. You were probably going to mention the whole baby-having thing to him or her anyway, but you’ve got to go deep here.
“Communicate with your partner and make sure you are on the same page. These conversations might include a lot of underlying pieces about what it means to you to have a child (or not), what your fears are, etc.,” White says. “In other words, babies should be as much about your heart as logistics.”
If you’re thinking it over, you’re already on the right track. “Ultimately, if you are asking yourself if you are ready to be a parent, my guess would be that you most likely already ARE but feel scared you might mess up,” Deibler says.
“In that case, remember that none of us are the perfect parent and can never be. The important thing is to be a ‘good-enough’ parent.
“Some ways to be a ‘good-enough’ parent are: asking for help when it is needed, apologizing when you mess up, and most of all giving yourself enough flexibility that it is OK to not always be perfect.”
And don’t worry; if you do go for it, you’ll be fine – except when your kid cruelly tells you you’re not “on fleek” or whatever.
“Babies are awesome and people rarely regret the decision in the long run – even if it’s hard along the way!” White says.
