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Jill Hamilton. Modern Parents columnist for OC Family.

“Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce,” said comedian Louis CK, one of the great philosophers of our time.

So yes, divorce is not all bad. At least you finally, finally get to get away from that spouse who’s been plaguing you. Unless, of course you have kids, in which case, you still have to see said plaguer. All the dang time. Not only that, but you have to be civil, calm, grown-up and all sorts of things that don’t especially come naturally when you’re still reeling from one of the more bruising events you’ll face as an adult.

But you can do this. People do it all the time. And do it well. And, if your ex isn’t a complete sociopath (or even if he or she is), there are techniques to guide you that can leave everyone as unscathed as possible. Because even though this feels a whole lot like it’s about you, it’s not. It is, of course, about the kids. If you’re able to keep your children and their well-being top of mind as you navigate this new normal, it’s likely you will be led to the right decision.

I asked two O.C. experts for tips on acting like a grown-up as a post-divorce co-parent. (And, remember, even if you don’t actually feel like a grown-up, acting “as if” is almost as good.) Here is their wisdom:

Dr. Lindsay Deibler, a clinical psychologist in Orange

drlindsaydeibler.com

• Help your children feel safe. Work to allow them to process their feelings about the divorce but don’t share your feelings with them. Process your own thoughts and feelings through supportive family, friends, counseling, support groups, pastors, etc.

• Work to find common ground between you and your ex-spouse in order to avoid one parent taking on all of the responsibility. For example, one parent should not have to handle all the doctor visits, school paperwork and dentist appointments. Kids should have fun and be accountable for their responsibilities at both parents’ houses.

• If feasible, have two of everything that is important to your kids such as a special nightlight, toy or blanket so that when they visit Mom’s house they have the same stuff to feel as safe as they did at Dad’s house.

Dr. Aaron R. Montgomery, a registered psychologist at the Child Guidance Center in Santa Ana

cgcoc.org

• Don’t use your child as a messenger. This is an easy and common mistake for co-parents to make, particularly when divorced parents are not getting along with one another and are avoiding one another. It’s not your child’s responsibility to make sure that you and your co-parent are in agreement and up to date about scheduling issues, finances, weekend arrangements, etc. Instead, set up a communication system that allows both co-parents to have regular and open communication with one another via texting, email or phone. Respond to these communications as you would a business exchange. Be prompt and respectful.

• Don’t say anything negative about your co-parent in front of your child. Often emotions are high following a separation or divorce, but talking trash about your co-parent is never a good idea and only leads to confusion and stress for kids. Instead, stick to communicating facts rather than opinion. Keep statements about your co-parent brief and to the point. Focus on the present and the future rather than the past. Don’t dig up old problems. Remember, you and your co-parent are a team and need to present a unified front to your child despite whatever relationship problems have or still exist.

• Avoid sharing details about the divorce with your child.

• Avoid discussing financial issues with your child, e.g. child support, etc.

• Be mindful of the impulse to try to get your child “on your side.” This leads to loyalty issues that only create confusion, anxiety and stress for kids. Kids want to be loved and accepted by both parents. If put into a position where they are compelled to “choose” or “side” with one parent over the other, the outcome is often negative.

And above all, cut yourself some slack. Even if you follow every one of these tips, there are going to be days where you crack and say something mean, yell or end up sobbing in front of the wrong person. That’s just part of the deal. After all, this stuff isn’t easy.