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here’s plenty to dislike about hitting rough financial times, but one of the worst parts is feeling alone and ashamed. There’s a weird stigma to money troubles that makes it all even harder. So if you or someone you know is in that scary, tenuous space (and it’s increasingly likely as poverty in Orange County rises, according to the 2015 Orange County Community Indicators Report) here are some things to expect as well as some tips for dealing with your personal downturn:
There will be fights. Big ones.
Money fights will reach a new depth of heinousness, fueled by a toxic combination of chronic stress, disappointment and blame.
“My husband couldn’t talk about it, but I didn’t discover this until I stopped being angry with him and took a beat to ask myself why he wouldn’t,” says Veronica Bustamante, who has two sons and lives in Long Beach. “I realized he felt like he was failing me and the boys. When I wrapped my head around this, I was able to be kinder. Once I did, his wall started coming down.”
But you can emerge stronger: “As weird as it sounds, I have fond memories of the closeness we built through this hardship,” Bustamante says. “Nobody, except the two of us, knows what that was like. I love him more today because we slayed that dragon together.”
If you require professional assistance to reach that particular level of Zen acceptance, there are lots of options for low-cost counseling. UC Irvine, for example, lists resources on its website. And many counselors offer discounted rates — just ask.
There is a poor tax
When you can’t pay for things promptly, you will be penalized in the form of late fees and penalties. These can snowball, e.g. an unpaid DMV bill leading to penalties, which then lead to an expensive ticket for having an unregistered vehicle.
But there is help: Even within the biggest bureaucracies, there are people who can, and will, help. When we had to pay a fee to have our water turned back on after it was turned off for nonpayment, a lovely woman at the utility worked with me to reduce some of the costs. Don’t be afraid to ask for payment plans, fee reductions or whatever else may buy you some time.
Some entities already have systems to help people who are struggling.
Southern California Edison, for example, will grant you hassle-free extensions. The utility also offers low-income discounts and deals that lets you trade in old appliances for (free) new, efficient ones.
It’s humiliating
So humiliating — in ways both large and small, up to and including: seeing a neighbor just as your credit card is declined. Never offering to drive because you can’t afford the gas. Having to slink away from the cheery ringleader mom because you can’t chip in for a teacher’s gift (then later — even worse! — getting a thank you note from the teacher.)
But (some of) your friends will get it: If you can be brave and speak your truth, you’ll find that some of your friends are struggling too. These friends will be your salvation. My friends and I alert each other to good deals, pass on surplus garden produce and give each other a safe place to vent.
You can’t hide it from the kids
Between the semi-hidden parental fighting and not getting to go (again!) on the super fun school field trip, kids are going to figure it out.
“Children and teens need to know the basics of what is happening in their own family,” says Christyn Nelson Barry, a licensed family and child therapist in private practice in Newport Beach. “I recommend that the parents have a family meeting with the children to discuss it, provide basic information, and reassure the kids that you are going to get through this situation.”
And that’s OK: Learning to manage during hard times strengthens the family. “Without worrying the kids or crying in front of them, parents can be good role models for working through challenging situations as a family. We can help our children learn that loss, difficulty and challenges happen to good people, and it’s by dealing with these things openly and directly that we teach them to become resilient,” Barry says.
It might get worse than
you ever imagined
“You think it can’t get worse, but it can,” says local mother of two Sandra Gifford. Her teenage son and daughter share a room, and the family has dined on many a box of macaroni and cheese, but for her, the worst was realizing there would be no Christmas presents this year.
For Dana Ouimette, the worst was when her husband was deployed with the military and she had to stand in a food line.
But you’re scrappier than you think: For Gifford, her salvation was a “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” moment. “We could still sing and watch dorky movies and maybe bake something,” she says.
Ouimette had a similar breakthrough. “There was a time we didn’t have food but we had grapes growing in our backyard. I picked grapes and made cabbage soup out of whatever we had. It was like ‘Stone Soup,’ ” she says. “I learned I would do anything, and I could do anything.”
