At one point or another, we’ve all wished there were detailed manuals for parenting. It would be wonderful to have access to some kind of encyclopedia-like series of reference books – organized, of course, in alphabetical order by topics of all levels of importance. Attachment issues. Breastfeeding. Constipation. Certainly the eighth book in the batch, H, would have a special section on how to make it through the holidays without wanting to run off to the North Pole.
Unfortunately, there is no manual. There are moments when we, as parents, know exactly what we’re doing and charge forward with all the confidence and class of June Cleaver. Then there are those moments when we know very well we are flying by the seat of our pants at an uncomfortable speed in a direction we can’t quite seem to navigate (while Siri keeps repeating, “I didn’t quite get that”).
More often than not, juggling schedules can feel much more like the latter – especially when the holidays get added to the mix.
I remember as a kid, my parents would often have to make difficult decisions trying to schedule in holiday time for both sides of the family. We’d get to one house by noon and eat fast – don’t fill up! – because we’d need to make it to dinner at another house by 6 p.m. It’s even more complicated now that we’re older and we have to factor in three generations of full-blown families and in-laws and, oh, so many kids.
When it comes to the holidays, our scheduling skills have to go into hyperdrive.
My son’s father and I have been divorced for our 7-year-old’s entire life. We have joint custody and decided from the get-go that we would figure out scheduling on our own instead of through the court. We don’t have the typical “every other weekend” arrangement. Instead, we work together to figure out how we each can spend the most time with our son and still have a minute for a little sleep.
My ex’s family is Jewish – which does help a little when it comes to holiday schedules – so they celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas and Passover instead of Easter. But on both occasions, the timing is often just on the verge of overlapping. Not to mention the nonreligious holidays – Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Halloween. New Year’s Eve tends to be a tad complicated because we each want to ring in the new year with our son, plus we also want to be with our significant others and probably not each other.
My ex-husband and I are friends. People sometimes find that hard to believe, but it’s true. We make it work. Still, even as friends, there’s only so much wiggle room when both our schedules start to fill up.
Two things help us juggle:
1. Communication. Seriously. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s so easy to get caught up in your own busy life and forget to mention the super important work-related event happening on a random Tuesday evening until it’s already 2 p.m. the day before and you realize you’re both booked. Yes, that happened. But we try to prevent it as much as possible. How, you ask?
2. Shared Google calendars. The search engine giant really should kick me a few bucks for singing its praises so often when it comes to this little tool. I have a calendar for all my appointments, to which I give my ex viewing permissions, and vice versa. We can easily see what the other has planned. Then, when I do forget to tell him about the aforementioned super important work-related event, I can go into immediate panic mode when I look at his calendar and clearly see that he already had something planned for that night.
Really though, it usually works a lot better than that. On a typical week, we pick up the phone for a scheduling chat and walk each other through the next few days of pick-ups, drop-offs and sleepovers. We alert each other about upcoming special plans. When one of us requests a little extra time for ourselves one week, we make up for it the next.
We get creative when we’re trudging through the holidays, especially when it comes to our significant others. For instance, earlier this year, I didn’t have plans with my family for Easter because everyone was out of town. My ex’s girlfriend’s family did have plans though, and I was more than happy to send my son off to a house that would have a fun egg hunt and other kids to play with rather than forcing him to stay with me just because it was “my” holiday. Similarly, I have been invited to Passover dinner every year, and I wouldn’t miss that matzo ball soup for the world. I’ll also soon be swapping gifts with the family at Hanukkah.
There’s no parenting manual for how to do any of this, but if there was, I bet it would tell us to share our precious time instead of being petty.
It would suggest we sit at the same table whenever we can.
It would provide a step-by-step guide on how to juggle.
With that manual, we’d be pros.
But we do pretty well, so I’ll settle for being expert amateurs.
