One cannot be happy while one’s mother-in-law is still alive,” Roman poet Juvenal wrote in the late first or early second century in what was probably the first in-law joke.
It may not be hilarious (nor were the approximately 87 billion similar jokes in the ensuing centuries) but it points to a universal experience that’s, alas, still true today: In-laws can be a pain in the butt. And when in-laws become grandparents-in-law, the merely annoying can become truly heinous.
We polled people in order to find some very common in-law problems, then asked O.C. experts to help solve them. Here is their advice for handling some of the most vexing in-law problems. (Questioners are anonymous so they don’t get into even more trouble with their in-laws.)
In-laws who are estranged
Q. How much do I tell my kids about my mother-in-law’s craziness? Do I just keep saying, ‘Nana and I are estranged and don’t get along,’ but give no details?
A. I don’t think it’s 100 percent healthy to write a person off,” said Robert Puff, a clinical psychologist in Newport Beach and host of the Happiness Podcast (HappinessPodcast.org). He added kindly that “crazy” is “kind of a layperson’s term.”
However, if the parents are quite sure about staying estranged, Puff offered, “Say, ‘Grandma has made very bad choices and we don’t feel it’s healthy for us to be around her.’ Keep it somewhat nebulous until they get older. For an older child, say, ‘Grandma struggles with addiction, and drugs make people make really bad choices.’ I’d also tell them there’s a genetic predisposition toward those addictions so the whole family has to be careful.
In-laws who drop in unexpectedly
Q. We live in the same town as my in-laws and they’re always dropping by unannounced. When I tell them I would appreciate a phone call first, they brush it off. My husband is annoyed by this too.
A. They might hear more clearly if your husband tells them because he knows the ‘family language,’ said Kelly Karjoo, a clinical psychologist in Laguna Hills. “However, if he has already tried this, you have every right to have the conversation with them. First, say a positive comment like, ‘We love having you living so close and having you in our lives.’ Then you can drop in the more serious information, ‘However, it is difficult for our family when you stop by without calling first because we have our own schedule that’s important to keep for your grandchild’s health and happiness. We know you want what is best for him/her too.’ End with another positive statement, ‘But we love that you love us all so much and we look forward to your visits.’
After this conversation, any time they come over unannounced, have your husband kindly remind them, ‘Please call before you come over’ – the same comment each time, like a broken record.
In-laws who are critical of your parenting
Q. My father-in-law once told me to stop coddling my son by reading to him before bed, asking, ‘Isn’t he a bit old for that?’ My son was 10 at the time, and the criticism seemed ridiculous to me but I couldn’t think how to respond.
A. Karjoo says it’s common for in-laws to want to provide input and offers this suggestion for handling these types of comments: “Try not to take it personally. It’s not necessarily a personal attack on your parenting abilities, but more about their anxiety about not having any real control over those little ones they love so much. The following suggestions may help the situation, but likely nothing is going to get a grandparent to completely stop putting in their two cents.
First, thank them for caring so much about their grandchildren and explain to them that as grandparents they get the luxury of not having to worry about every little thing. This is your job. Their job is to just enjoy their grandchildren. Then, remind them that there have been a lot of changes to recommended parenting techniques and you are following what experts have learned as the best way to raise a healthy, happy child. If the comments continue, the best way to handle them each time is to take a deep breath before responding, and just say ‘Don’t worry about it; they are fine.’ Hopefully, they will eventually give up trying to interject if they realize you are not going to allow them to interfere with how you have decided to parent their grandchildren.
In-laws with extreme (to you) political or religious views
Q. I love my in-laws but they have very different political ideas, and it can be very tough to be around them. I don’t want them talking about their viewpoints to the kids.
A. Have a conversation and say, ‘I understand that this is how you feel, but I really need you to watch the comments around the children,’ suggested Jennifer DeFeo, a clinical psychologist in Irvine. “You say to the child, ‘Grandpa Joe doesn’t like (whatever ethnic/religious/political group) and will make comments. We’ve tried to talk to him about how it’s discriminating against people, however, that’s the way that he was raised. But the way you’re being raised is that all people are equal and we don’t talk like that.’
In-laws who favor a grandchild
Q. How do you deal with in-laws who favor one of your children over the other? It’s to the obnoxious and hurtful level where they say in front of everyone, including the kids, that one of their grandchildren is more special than his siblings.
A. Sometimes grandparents don’t even realize they’re doing it,” DeFeo said. Say, ‘You bought Jack an Xbox. You bought Jill jacks. Tell me a little bit about what you were thinking because there’s an inequity here.’ Bring it to their awareness and see what happens. Maybe they’ll say, ‘We didn’t think Jill cared.’ It might be something like Jack’s more verbal and says, ‘I can’t wait to see you next week, Grandma and Grandpa,’ but Jill’s more reserved and doesn’t say, ‘I’d like to see you.’
In-laws with issues. Big ones.
Q. How can we stay away from Grandpa’s issues? There’s infidelity and alcoholism and he’s very disrespectful to women.”
A. You don’t want to say negative things about your children’s grandparents,” Karjoo said. “However, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s not the kind of behavior you want your children to demonstrate or copy. Explain that even adults make mistakes and are still learning how to behave correctly. Just as you still love your children when they misbehave, you all still love Grandma or Grandpa, even when their behavior is not the best, and how Grandma/Grandpa act is not your child’s fault (even though Grandma/Grandpa may say or act like it is their fault). Older or grown children may find some empathy for their grandparent’s behavior if they know some useful background information (Grandma’s parents weren’t very nice to Grandma, Grandpa is still dealing with PTSD symptoms from the war, etc. …)
Jill Hamilton is the mother of two teenage girls and lives in Long Beach. You can email her at jill.longbeach@yahoo.com.
