Many parents are guilty of continually instructing their children to “be nice,” without putting thought into what exactly “being nice” means. Should kids smile at strangers? Shake hands with creeps? Say thank you to candy proffered by suspicious looking cads?
Of course not! Still, the admonition to be nice persists, and must sometimes be confusing to kids.
At the park or in the grocery store, I often hear parents fiercely whispering: “Be nice to your brother! Be nice to your sister. Be kind to that kid on the playground.”
Often, the phrase is tossed out after a child has done something not so nice, which can be interpreted as scolding rather than encouraging.
But how should children act in order to be considered nice?
“Children are so much more thoughtful and caring and compassionate than we give them credit for,” says Jo Ashline, an Orange resident and former kindergarten teacher. “
They have the capacity for great empathy and need only gentle guidance and meaningful support to help them grow into kind adults.”
Tips for encouraging empathy in your kids
Lead by example. Since being “nice” can sometimes seem an indefinable concept, children need to see the behavior in action in order to really understand. It is so much more effective when they actually see you hold the door open for a stranger than if you just tell them they should.
Teach your children to honor their own feelings. If someone is being mean or unfair to your child, should he or she still be nice? Let your child know that his or her feelings are valid, and that niceness isn’t always required, but there is no need to be unkind. Show your kids other ways to handle tough situations, such as talking to an adult or walking away from a frustrating situation.
Commit random acts of kindness. Buy a cup of coffee for the person behind you in line or help an elderly man with his grocery bags. Seeing the look on your children’s little faces as they watch Mom or Dad brighten a stranger’s day is pretty priceless.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Show your child that having empathy for another human being will make them a better person.
“Empathy is not the same thing as pity,” notes Ashline, a mother of two. “Empathy is the ability and willingness to look outside ourselves and imagine what the world is like for someone else.”
Ashline, who also is an autism awareness advocate, has a 13-year-old non-verbal son with autism. She believes he gives her a unique perspective on how other young children can show compassion. “Kids may hesitate at first because what they’re seeing is nothing like they’ve experienced before, or they may stare out of curiosity. But none of those reactions are wrong. They are pure and organic, and they open the door for great conversations about diversity in all areas of life.”
Being nice doesn’t mean you can’t say no. There are people who will try to take advantage of a child’s kindness and use it to cause harm.
Children ages 2 to 6 tend to be alarmists, so don’t worry them too much with the “bad guy” talk. However, do make it clear that being kind to strangers does not mean going anywhere with them or doing anything they say.
