Being a stepdad is a tough job. There is never a pat on the back. It can feel as if you’re running a race with the speed of an Olympic athlete, but you finish fourth. You are never standing on that podium, and a medal is never waiting for you.
Or it can feel like nailing the winning jumpshot in a basketball game, but the crowd rushes toward the water boy and showers him with cheers instead of you. Despite all this, I would never change anything because the little moments outweigh any negatives.
When I met my wife, Michelle, I was totally swept off my feet. Then I found out she had a 5-year-old son named Cody and I might get to experience fatherhood. It was as if a genie had granted me the perfect wish.
Cody is now 10 years old, and I have been a stepdad for almost four years. Of course, the “d-a-d” is silent and it sounds more like “Jorge.”
At first, I tried to be his “real” dad, which is a mistake many stepparents make. Even though you may feel like a true father – on paper, you are not. When I began to realize and accept this fact, it became easier to deal with the frustrations of stepparenthood.
10 rules I try to follow, as Cody’s stepdad
1. Don’t put pressure on him: I don’t make Cody call me Dad, or make him say, “I love you.” I’ve noticed that when I let things come naturally, Cody opens up more. Hey, it only took Cody three years to finally tell me he loved me.
2. Don’t be afraid to be a part of his life: Cody sees his dad, and he has a relationship with him, but I make sure to fill in any holes. For example, I’ve coached him in baseball and basketball.
3. Don’t be his friend: I always tell Cody that I am not trying to be his pal. I am just as hard on him and discipline him as I imagine I would if he were my own. I always try to be the adult in the relationship – not a buddy.
4. Accept that he may never like what you like: My favorite sports teams are all different from Cody’s, and I have come to accept that. His grandfather and uncle already influenced him, and it seems as if it’s too late to change those deeply ingrained choices. On the bright side, I’ve found great joy and solace in our shared love of country music.
5. Pick your battles: Most of the time, I am the last person Cody listens to. When he has five voices parenting him, he usually goes to the person who lets him off the hook. This can be frustrating, but I’ve learned I have to trust other people in his life.
6. Don’t expect acknowledgment: Even though I have treated Cody like my own since I met him, I only hear from family members when I do something wrong. Chances are, no one but your significant other may ever thank you or appreciate the care you provide your stepchild.
7. Be patient: This is probably one of the most difficult tips, because I want it all right away. I want Cody to see how much he means to me on a daily basis, and to see how much of an impact I may have made on his life. But I may have to wait for him to realize this until later in life – or he might never understand.
8. Teach: My dad regularly had long drawn-out conversations with me that would annoy me. But at 37, I don’t know where I would be now without having had those talks. So if I have a chance to bore Cody with a lesson, I do.
9. Communicate: One of my favorite things to do with Cody is to sit down together after an argument and share our feelings. Or when he tells me about girls he likes, and how his day went. During these moments, I know he trusts me.
10. Have unconditional love: There are times when Cody won’t respond as I want him to. Sometimes he views other people in his life as his heroes. He even seems a lot more excited when he is with other people. He will never carry my last name. But it never changes how much I care about him or that I will always be there for him.
In the end, I realize I don’t need a medal to measure my worth in Cody’s life, or a crowd to hoist me on its shoulders and applaud my work. I just hope that one day Cody will step up in an important situation, because stepping into this unexpected role has brought so much to my life.
Contact the writer: jmedina@ocregister.com
