Skip to content
  • Dr. Dean Leav, a licensed psychologist who practices in Irvine...

    Dr. Dean Leav, a licensed psychologist who practices in Irvine (drleav.com), recommends that parents monitor social media and ban sexting. “It is smart and healthy to enforce a zero-tolerance approach toward sexting. It may seem relatively harmless, but it easily leads to other issues such as young teenagers becoming hypersexual before having the maturity to understand the emotional and practical ramifications,” he says. (Thinkstock)

  • Dr. Dean Leav, a licensed psychologist who practices in Irvine...

    Dr. Dean Leav, a licensed psychologist who practices in Irvine (drleav.com), recommends that parents monitor social media and ban sexting. “It is smart and healthy to enforce a zero-tolerance approach toward sexting. It may seem relatively harmless, but it easily leads to other issues such as young teenagers becoming hypersexual before having the maturity to understand the emotional and practical ramifications,” he says. (Thinkstock)

of

Expand
Jill Hamilton. Modern Parents columnist for OC Family.
PUBLISHED: | UPDATED:

During the past few weeks, I’ve been talking to a lot of people about cybersex and pornography (Don’t worry; it was all consensual!) and realized that I’d stumbled upon the key to the whole thing. The old-school, simple act of talking is the best way we have of grappling with the ever-shifting and sometimes murky issue of our teens, sex and whatever the heck is out there online. 

Here’s what else I learned we should do and know:

Start the conversation early. No one relishes giving (or getting) The Talk, so don’t have it. Instead, think of it as an open conversation that starts when your kids are young. If your toddler feels comfortable talking with you about body parts during bath time, they’ll keep it up when things get more complicated. If you’re skittish, slip a copy of “Changing Bodies, Changing Lives” under their door or direct them to the sex and relationship advice at sites like Bish (bishuk.com) or Scarleteen (scarleteen.com), so they don’t end up earnestly Googling “teens and sex” as my friend’s 12-year-old daughter did.

Talk about porn realistically. During a break in a class, the boys at my ninth-grade daughter’s table were openly discussing their favorite pornography. This is gross and inappropriate and all that, but the point is, teens are exposed to porn, no matter what your rules are at home. The issue is not how to block them from it (not happening), but teaching them to handle it. Because so many teens (and grown-ups) use porn as a primary form of sex ed, in our house we talk about the difference between porn sex and real sex (i.e., porn sex shows unrealistic responses from women, etc.). I let them know that looking at too many hypersexual images can sort of muck up your arousal and can lead to sexual problems down the road, including dysfunction with a real partner. 

Figure out your phone policy. Dr. Dean Leav, a licensed psychologist who practices in Irvine (drleav.com), recommends that parents monitor social media and ban sexting. “It is smart and healthy to enforce a zero-tolerance approach toward sexting. It may seem relatively harmless, but it easily leads to other issues such as young teenagers becoming hypersexual before having the maturity to understand the emotional and practical ramifications,” he says. 

Sexual health author, trainer and psychologist Douglas Braun-Harvey of the Harvey Institute in San Diego likens cellphone privacy to a teen using a car: There’s graduated freedom with maturation. For younger teens, there should be open access for parents. “Don’t make it punitive. That’s the mistake everyone makes” Braun-Harvey says. “Make it fun. I would say, ‘Hey, I’m going to look at your phone. What’s your favorite thing you like to look at?’ Then say, ‘OK, I’m going to go look at a couple of things on here too, just like we agreed.’ Don’t make it, ‘We’re going to look for trouble.’ Who wants that?”

(Caveat: Looking at your kid’s phone can be surprisingly boring, unless you have a high tolerance for searches like “Pokemon Go Lapras vs. Snorlax.”) 

Try this jiujitsu to prevent sexting. Simply letting your kid know that you’ll be looking at the phone helps curb incoming smut. “Your child will say, ‘Don’t send me that stuff; my parents look at my phone.’ That’s a great motivator for a kid not to send a picture of their penis to their best friend. Kids don’t like to be humiliated,” Braun-Harvey says. “If you set up the ground rules, kids will start setting up their own rules with each other to protect from humiliation.”

Don’t overmonitor or overreact. “A lot of teens that I’ve seen and treated are very upset with their parents because they tend to overrun their lives and overreact,” says Arsen Muradyan, who counsels teens and adults with sexual addictions at The Soul Restoration Project in Santa Ana. “It’s a fine balance to walk between concern and allowing your teen to explore and figure out their sexuality for themselves. You don’t want to shame your kid.” 

Not only can extreme monitoring backfire, but it also is probably impossible. Any stealthy kid with a desire to hide things from you will figure out how, from something primitive like deleting texts before you see them to more high-level shenanigans like hiding photos in a fake calculator app. 

The learning during these talks goes both ways. By talking with my 15-year-old, I learned that she received a text from a stranger saying, “I lost something. Can I look for it in your pants?” I was happy because she knew to block it and did. We had an excellent time inventing imaginary responses. “I don’t know. Was it a Slinky? A back issue of Newsweek? A can of corn?” I knew she was keeping me in the loop. At least for now. 

I also learned that people can hack your computer webcam and post naked pictures of you online, unknown to you. I’m not worried for myself because I am never naked in front of the computer, or in life, really, but this may affect our in-home clothing choices from now on.